My husband confessed to me that he's worried he won't be a good dad. (He will be.) He couldn't articulate the reasons why he was afraid of this. I think it's perfectly normal to worry that you won't be a good parent--it's such a huge task, raising a child (or more), and at this point he already loves our little guys so much that the thought of letting them down, some how, some way, is devastating.
And there is, of course, the difference between a good parent and a perfect parent. (Namely, one exists and the other does not.)
But it was, for me, a bit of an odd conversation. When I was trying to reassure him that he would be great, it occurred to me that I don't actually know what a father does.
My own father was abusive, and my mother divorced him when I was 6. I do have some happy memories of him (because even truly vile individuals are not truly vile all the time, in the eyes of a small child anyway), but none of those are really unique "only a dad could do this" sort of memories. My mom was then, more or less, single.
The man I call my step-dad, she never actually married. They began dating when I was 10 or 11. They both had children of their own, and they took things rather slow. In addition, his job required him to travel a lot, and to live for months at a time in different places across the state and country. He spent weekends, then even weeks, at our house. We did things together, of course. With him and with his kids, family vacations and such. But I wouldn't say that he took an active role in fathering me. He never was the one to punish me, or to give me permission to do something, or to take me school shopping, or to hear about the boys I had a crush on (neither did my mom, for that one...), or anything like that.
When I was 16, he moved in with us full-time (but still taking work trips). I was only once home alone for a significant time with him while my mother was out of town. She'd told me I needed to tell him where I was going, with whom, and when I'd be back. I remember telling him, "I'm going out with {Friend}, we'll be home at 11" and him saying, "You're 17, you can do what you want."
It had to have been awkward for him, too. He didn't want to overstep his boundaries. I do love him, and he does love me. I consider him the closest thing to a father I'll ever have. My kids will be his grandchildren. And he and my mom, despite never having married, have been together for over 20 years now.
But when it comes right down to it, he didn't raise me.
I don't think families must be two-parent or else horrible things will happen. I don't think 2-parent households must be of opposite sexes or else horrible things will happen.
But I do, somehow, think there is a difference between a father and a mother. I just have no idea what that difference is. I don't think it's pregnancy/breastfeeding. My husband, after all, has a different relationship with his mom than he does with his dad, and neither was pregnant with him or breastfed him. But then again, his mom did the stay-at-home thing until he was in 2nd or 3rd grade, so maybe it's just that.
Anyway, it was an interesting conversation. I don't believe in rigid gender roles, but I think, due to my upbringing and possibly cultural stereotypes, I somehow think of mothers as the primary parent? Something like that. And I don't actually believe that should be true. I think I'll need to work on that, somehow. On viewing a father as an equal in the parenting equation. We've had discussions on some parenting things, most recently whether or not to use pacifiers. But I have made some unilateral decisions (will attempt to breastfeed, will follow the advice of "when one wakes up hungry, wake the other and feed them both") and presented them as "this is what we'll do". I don't think that's healthy for major decisions in the long-run, and I think I need to shift my thinking a bit, to recognize that dads are of equal importance to moms. It sounds trite, but it's difficult for me to do.
8 comments:
Marissa,
My DH took a Daddy Bootcamp class this weekend (we also took a birthing class) that was only 4 hours. Prior to this Bootcamp, he admitted he was "in denial" about what having a baby (well, 2!) would be like but the class really set things in motion for him and he's really excited about being a dad now.
It was surprisingly touchy feely. We thought it was going to be a how to...change a diaper/burp/feed, etc. class and it did cover those things but they spent most of the class talking about what it's going to be like to be a dad. They broke out in groups and discussed what their dads were like and how they would do things differently.
Maybe this would help your DH process his uncertainties too?
You raise some interesting points about the roles of mothers and fathers and what makes a good father.
My experience growing up was quite different from yours: our parents divorced when I was 9 and my father raised my sister and I thereafter. In trying to explain the difference in relationships I have with my father and my mother, I've often noted that my father played more of a traditional "mom" role in my life. But at the same time, he was a dad, too, and masculine.
I agree that your husband's feelings are perfectly normal and just the fact that he is concerned shows that he *will* be a good dad. . . because I think caring is the biggest factor.
I actually in the dark a little and curious and excited to see what it's going to be like raising my daughter in a two-parent household. My parents divorced when I was 4, so I honestly don't ever remember living under the same roof. My father was never a good dad really. We have more of a friendship then we do a father-daughter relationship. My step dad is wonderful but he's only been around for 6 years or so. I can't wait for my daughter to have a great relationship with her dad. No parent is perfect, that's for sure. But I really do believe in giving an "A" for effort to all the goods Dads who TRY :)
I think the dads as secondary parents makes me really cranky when I see it reflected as an assumption in parenting books and in advertising. (Like the fact that Amazon calls their "caregiver of a small child" program "Amazon Mom" rather than recognizing that making tons of diaper purchases should make you eligible for free prime shipping totally regardless of what your genitalia are. So stupid. Not stupid enough to keep me from signing up for it, because it's a great bargain and the Subscribe & Save feature is totally gold for things like diapers and diaper pail liners, but ALMOST. Men and grandparents who are primary caregivers CAN sign up for it, too, but they have to put up with the inane title in EVERY EMAIL they send out.)(Diaper and formula companies do this too. Like men don't change diapers or feed formula? WTF.)
I know that men and women are different, and thus interact with kids differently. This is why I make an effort to roughhouse with our kids and also to make sure that there are a crapton of male role models (family members and dads of friends and just single male friends of ours, and someday sports coaches and boy scout troop leaders) in their lives.
But, I think that both parents should have equal say in parenting decisions and how they run. Even if one parent is the primary caregiver and the other is working outside of the home, I think it's really important for the parents to be a united front and that means giving 50% say to the working parent who spends less time.
The involved dad who really equally parents that I know did a fatherhood class or whatever which sounded very touchy feely and possibly hokey to him at first but which he said was totally awesome in making him claim his parenting power. If this fad has hit your local area, I would encourage your husband to get on that.
I have a lot of sympathy for the dad experience because I think a lot of it starts as an extension from being the nongestational parent. I think adoption is a bit different because you're BOTH the nongestational parent and that levels the playing field... but the person who gives birth starts out with some superpowers (boobs that make milk!) and a whole lot of attention and acknowledgement from the outside world as a parent. And the person who doesn't give birth doesn't get those things, and it's so easy for that to slide into a secondary parent role where the person who gave birth also calls the shots. It's not easy to fight that, but I think it's SO important not to do that. I really appreciate so much that the Spouse totally made me feel like an equal parent with our first, and I am doing my best to return the favor this time around when the tables are turned.
Also, want to second that anyone who WORRIES about whether they will be a good parent is virtually guaranteed to be one. Your husband will find his stride and his parenting style if you give him the autonomy to start making decisions. I think one of the best things that can happen for a nongestational parent is to be left alone with the kid for an evening periodically to just feel like they are totally in charge. With two kids that should be even easier to achieve. :)
Agreeing with Guinevere about the worrying part. As I too have been recently told, most everyone who worries about beign a good parent, will most likely be one. It means you are already thinking about things, what you want and don't want.
I hope you and your husband are able to discuss things and set his mind at ease. At least some. Becoming a parent (at least the thought of it) is quite scary, but should be exciting too.
I love the idea of Daddy Bootcamp and have to agree with Guinevere: the worrying dads are often the best dads.
Wow, your post really got me thinking ... how can I ensure that Mr. Jem connects with being a dad? I like the Daddy Boot Camp idea, too.
Post a Comment