2011--Year of Extremes

It keeps coming up on blogs, Prompt-ly, message boards..."rate your 2011". The first time I saw this topic, my knee-jerk reaction was "Solid A. I will ring in the New Year at exactly 31 weeks pregnant with seemingly healthy twin boys. It simply does not get any better than this."

But then I got to thinking. 2011 was a total bipolar mess for me.

I realize that others have suffered worse than I have, but speaking just for myself: I had the very worst day of my life in 2011. That was the day I was told there was something extremely wrong with Atticus. That I should get steroid shots and deliver within 3 weeks or risk losing them both. (3 weeks would have put me at 26 weeks.) That I should probably do an amnio to decide if I wanted to give up on Atticus right then and there, and focus on saving Damien. (Which honestly...oh my god. I think we would have amnio'd, but I can't say for sure what we would have decided.) I spent that day in hysterics. Imagining NICU babies. Imagining one very-special-needs baby and one sick-from-being-so-premature baby. Imagining no babies. Imagining months of NICU to lose one. Imagining losing Atticus at birth or shortly thereafter and feeling guilty for birthing Damien early when maybe he didn't need to be. Imagining losing Atticus in utero and carrying one live and one dead baby. Birthing a dead baby.

None of that came to pass, for which I am beyond grateful. And while it wasn't "true" in the sense that the doctors were flat-out wrong, it was nonetheless real, in that my husband and I actually did receive that news, discussed our options while crying, both of us feeling helpless and hopeless and physically ill. I personally felt like transferring 3 embryos and being so greedy for a baby was what led to us being in that situation. I felt like I'd failed my unborn babies already. I kept apologizing to my husband, which got us nothing but more tears.

To say that day sucked is an understatement. Even 2 days later, after my ultrasound. Even 4 days later, when the virus scans came back negative. Even now, sometimes. It haunts me and I'm still not 100% sure about our decisions, and I have fears for both of their health.

And I think the day I was told that my first pregnancy, so hard fought for, was non-viable...that might be the 2nd-to-worst day in my life. That was also in 2011. And the news we got that day was both real and true, and I lost Isaiah.

But.

The day I discovered I was pregnant with Isaiah might be one of the best of my life. (Despite the fact that everything about my current pregnancy started out stronger--darker lines, bigger beta, etc., I was still haunted by loss and unable to fully enjoy it.)

My 18-week ultrasound, when we found out the twins were boys and also, more importantly, that everything about their little bodies looked perfectly healthy...that might actually be the best day.

(I feel the need to clarify here that, while I did have an awesome time at my wedding, I wouldn't call it the best day of my life. By the time that we actually said our vows, we were already committed to each other and I had no doubts that we'd be spending our lives together. So while the ceremony was lovely and the party was a blast, I don't feel like my life actually changed that day. It was, instead, a celebration of what we already had. And getting that--meeting, becoming friends, becoming lovers, moving in, buying a home, deciding to start a family, deciding to get married--was a path, not so much a day or a moment, so it's hard to pinpoint exactly when it happened.)

There was other good stuff--mainly learning how awesome my marriage is, despite the trials we've been through. But also just really good nights in or out, good days at work and school, silly shit our cats did while we watched, going to the cabin, etc.

And other shitty stuff--bedrest and withdrawing from school, extremely complicated relationships with my mom and siblings, never having enough money, etc.

But I don't feel like the "F" stuff cancels out my "A" stuff. Nor do I feel that the "A" stuff cancels out the "F" stuff. This year wasn't a "C"...it needs some other sort of scale.

All said, though, I am really looking forward to 2012. BABIES!!!!! I think they'll be way, way more awesome once they're here than they are in the Frat House. I can't believe that, in less than 2 months (though how much less, I cannot say), I'll be meeting them. I'm so excited!