My husband and I, last night, had our first real parenting conversation in a very long time. Sure, we've made passing remarks and had kind of discussed his FMLA leave, but we hadn't really discussed anything beyond "I hope they're Jazz fans" or "Like it or not, they're playing with LEGOs". But last night, spurred by the arrival of our baby bath tub (a birthday gift from my doctorsister), we discussed bathing schedules. Whether to bathe them on the same night or different ones. This led to other things, including wondering what they'll look like--eyes, hair, heights. Will they look alike? (We highly, highly doubt that they are identical. But some siblings look more alike than others.) Like their daddy? Like me or my family?
(And frankly, this is part of where closed adoption sucks. Would it really matter to know if our children favor their dad's birthmom's dad? Well, no. But it would be fun to point out "his chin", "her ears". Trivial, yes. But when daydreaming about unborn children, it makes me a touch sad not to have a complete template to pick and choose from.)
I frequent http://www.ehd.org/. It's a scientific, awesome site that I stumbled upon when researching embryo development. It's a big week for Damien and Atticus. They can hear! Or at least, "hearing begins". Their inner ears are developed, their nerves are developed, but how well they can actually process at this point is unknown. Their eyelids are unfusing, and soon, if not already, they will be blinking. The layers and structures of the skin are complete.
And, with expert medical care, my boys stand a 40% chance of survival.
In theory.
Too much knowledge has made me familiar with "wimpy white male syndrome". Which basically states that, of all preemies, white males tend to fare the worst. Unless we're about to be breaking news (as any shock gasp baby/IVF mix-up would be), white males are what we're having. And Atticus is tiny.
So I'm trying not to think about it. I mean, having any chance at all is amazing, but with a greater chance at "no baby" than "babies", it's hard to rest easy. And even "babies" is a long, hard road, one whose outcome is not known at the beginning.
Instead I am feeling their ever-increasing kicks. And heatbutts. And squirming.
I just need to assume, from here on out, that I'll be taking my adorable boys Trick or Treating next year.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Double the annoying things to say!
People love to comment on twin pregnancies. Which, frankly, I really can't blame them. I mean, hang around the ALI community long enough and twins are run-of-the-mill. But go beyond our community, and they're really not. So when you question a woman about her pregnancy (and yes--any pregnancy gets questions and comments) and she reveals that she's having TWO babies, I get the knee-jerk reaction of "Wow--[insert comment here]".
The thing is, I'm reminded of when I waitressed in high school. I cannot even tell you how many "smart" replies I got to, "Can I get you anything else?" (I was, by the way, working at a diner-type place, so really, what was I expecting?) After a couple of weeks, I'd heard everything. The comments the customers thought were so clever were simply old hat. And as well-intentioned as they were, it's only so funny to joke about sexual favors or me paying your bill or whatever.
Likewise, "Oh, my neighbor's daughter has twins". What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? Ask for her number? Especially when they go on to add things like, "She was so huge near the end" or "she needed a C-section" or "you could see those babies moving like aliens in there" or "and they're never having any more children ever". I know they're just trying to relate to me, but these stories, much like "Well, my cousin couldn't get pregnant for 8 years and then they stopped trying and then she got pregnant!", don't really leave much room for my own experience. I can't relate back. And I really doubt that the speaker, who is never the parent of multiples (or infertile), knows the whole story. I mean, I can imagine my own cousins relating my pregnancy, which they know from Facebook, "I have a cousin who's pregnant with twin boys. Everything's going great!"
But the "double" and "twice" comments. Those I really don't even feel like trying with. "Double trouble!" "Twice the fun!" "Double diapers!" I've heard it. Trust me, I've heard it. Yes, there are indeed two babies in there. And they are, like it or not, going to be a "set" from now on. But this notion that they are somehow just double or twice a "regular" baby really sets my teeth on edge, for some reason.
The worst, the absolute worst, is "Two for the price of one."
I don't know what the fuck people mean by that. If they're alluding to fertility treatments, guess what: I did more than one embryo transfer, more than one fresh IVF, and we paid for that. Both financially and emotionally. The RE didn't just toss a 2nd baby in as a prize pack. And if they mean two for the price of one pregnancy...ugh. Technically, it's two pregnancies (ask any OB), just at the same time. And "price of one" would only be fair if the risks to me and my babies were simply the normal risks any pregnancy carries. Maybe I wouldn't have had HG with a singleton. I highly doubt I would be on bedrest.
But the reason I hate this comment so very much is because of Isaiah. His due date is right around the corner (Nov 11). Blog friends who were cycling around that time are full term or have already given birth. And the simple facts are: if I hadn't lost Isaiah, I wouldn't have Damien and Atticus. And when I hear that comment, that's right where my brain goes.
It wasn't voluntary. I didn't choose to swap one healthy baby for two. Isaiah, as much as he was wanted, as much as he was and is loved, almost certainly had insurmountable issues. He didn't develop for a reason, and not a metaphysical reason or an "everything happens for a reason" reason, but rather a genetic/chromosomal reason. Or possibly, not likely but still possibly, a uterine/bloodflow/my-fault reason. But that doesn't change anything, really, when it comes to the simple fact of me either being 38 weeks pregnant or 21. I can't be both at the same time.
Isaiah is not the price we paid for Atticus and Damien. He's not. We never would have made that decision. But when I hear that comment, I go straight to "I had one baby, lost him, and now I have two."
I hope I never hear that comment again.
I can't wait to hear the bullshit "Do they have psychic powers" or "Have they got their own language" or whatever else instead. I can't wait to have two live babies in my arms. Healthy, full-term babies. Please.
The thing is, I'm reminded of when I waitressed in high school. I cannot even tell you how many "smart" replies I got to, "Can I get you anything else?" (I was, by the way, working at a diner-type place, so really, what was I expecting?) After a couple of weeks, I'd heard everything. The comments the customers thought were so clever were simply old hat. And as well-intentioned as they were, it's only so funny to joke about sexual favors or me paying your bill or whatever.
Likewise, "Oh, my neighbor's daughter has twins". What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? Ask for her number? Especially when they go on to add things like, "She was so huge near the end" or "she needed a C-section" or "you could see those babies moving like aliens in there" or "and they're never having any more children ever". I know they're just trying to relate to me, but these stories, much like "Well, my cousin couldn't get pregnant for 8 years and then they stopped trying and then she got pregnant!", don't really leave much room for my own experience. I can't relate back. And I really doubt that the speaker, who is never the parent of multiples (or infertile), knows the whole story. I mean, I can imagine my own cousins relating my pregnancy, which they know from Facebook, "I have a cousin who's pregnant with twin boys. Everything's going great!"
But the "double" and "twice" comments. Those I really don't even feel like trying with. "Double trouble!" "Twice the fun!" "Double diapers!" I've heard it. Trust me, I've heard it. Yes, there are indeed two babies in there. And they are, like it or not, going to be a "set" from now on. But this notion that they are somehow just double or twice a "regular" baby really sets my teeth on edge, for some reason.
The worst, the absolute worst, is "Two for the price of one."
I don't know what the fuck people mean by that. If they're alluding to fertility treatments, guess what: I did more than one embryo transfer, more than one fresh IVF, and we paid for that. Both financially and emotionally. The RE didn't just toss a 2nd baby in as a prize pack. And if they mean two for the price of one pregnancy...ugh. Technically, it's two pregnancies (ask any OB), just at the same time. And "price of one" would only be fair if the risks to me and my babies were simply the normal risks any pregnancy carries. Maybe I wouldn't have had HG with a singleton. I highly doubt I would be on bedrest.
But the reason I hate this comment so very much is because of Isaiah. His due date is right around the corner (Nov 11). Blog friends who were cycling around that time are full term or have already given birth. And the simple facts are: if I hadn't lost Isaiah, I wouldn't have Damien and Atticus. And when I hear that comment, that's right where my brain goes.
It wasn't voluntary. I didn't choose to swap one healthy baby for two. Isaiah, as much as he was wanted, as much as he was and is loved, almost certainly had insurmountable issues. He didn't develop for a reason, and not a metaphysical reason or an "everything happens for a reason" reason, but rather a genetic/chromosomal reason. Or possibly, not likely but still possibly, a uterine/bloodflow/my-fault reason. But that doesn't change anything, really, when it comes to the simple fact of me either being 38 weeks pregnant or 21. I can't be both at the same time.
Isaiah is not the price we paid for Atticus and Damien. He's not. We never would have made that decision. But when I hear that comment, I go straight to "I had one baby, lost him, and now I have two."
I hope I never hear that comment again.
I can't wait to hear the bullshit "Do they have psychic powers" or "Have they got their own language" or whatever else instead. I can't wait to have two live babies in my arms. Healthy, full-term babies. Please.
Monday, October 24, 2011
21w1d: Best rest it is
I have cervical funneling. Not enough to freak them out (15%) and my cervix is still very long (4.2). But enough to call in another doctor and spend a loooonnnnggg time with the dildocam (my, how I missed that). And apparently, if you shove really hard on a woman's uterus and the cervix doesn't shorten significantly, that's good news. But you need to test it 4-5 times, just in case.
So the short of it is: I'm on bedrest for 2 weeks, and then we re-evaluate.
I put a call into my school, but haven't heard back yet. I think I'm out, though.
The ultrasound was, all around, not as fun as they've been in the past. I had a very hard time laying on the table, and kept having to turn onto my side. I was dizzy and nauseous, and Atticus would not hold still. They couldn't even get his heart-rate as he was bouncing around between beats, squiggling out of range. It was cute for about 2 minutes, then the tech got irritated. Damien was more cooperative and has a lovely heart--4 chambers, no holes, clear septum, etc. A revisit of Atticus's heart at the end showed 4 chambers and a septum, but they couldn't "pass him off" just yet. So we get to do it again, when they check my cervix.
Nothing like gel up your twat and all over your belly, in case you were wondering. I'm sure I'll have to fight my husband off tonight (...and every night for the foreseeable future, since "rest" is the only thing that will be happening in our bed).
Atticus's placenta has moved a bit--not completely free of my cervix, but enough that the peri said she "would recommend vaginal delivery if things keep going the way they are and Baby A flips." So that was good news. They're still hanging out bunkbed-style. Atticus continues to measure about a week behind, but stayed within his growth curve. Damien was measuring ahead today, and for some reason had a huge tummy. Still within the curve, but at like 80%. Peri thinks it was a measurement error and expects it to be back down closer to 60% like the rest of his measurements were.
Damien weighs and estimated 1lb2oz, with Atticus at about 13 oz.
I'm proud of my boys for growing so well and being so active. I hope I can keep them inside for a long while yet.
And DVD or book recommendations to pass the time?
So the short of it is: I'm on bedrest for 2 weeks, and then we re-evaluate.
I put a call into my school, but haven't heard back yet. I think I'm out, though.
The ultrasound was, all around, not as fun as they've been in the past. I had a very hard time laying on the table, and kept having to turn onto my side. I was dizzy and nauseous, and Atticus would not hold still. They couldn't even get his heart-rate as he was bouncing around between beats, squiggling out of range. It was cute for about 2 minutes, then the tech got irritated. Damien was more cooperative and has a lovely heart--4 chambers, no holes, clear septum, etc. A revisit of Atticus's heart at the end showed 4 chambers and a septum, but they couldn't "pass him off" just yet. So we get to do it again, when they check my cervix.
Nothing like gel up your twat and all over your belly, in case you were wondering. I'm sure I'll have to fight my husband off tonight (...and every night for the foreseeable future, since "rest" is the only thing that will be happening in our bed).
Atticus's placenta has moved a bit--not completely free of my cervix, but enough that the peri said she "would recommend vaginal delivery if things keep going the way they are and Baby A flips." So that was good news. They're still hanging out bunkbed-style. Atticus continues to measure about a week behind, but stayed within his growth curve. Damien was measuring ahead today, and for some reason had a huge tummy. Still within the curve, but at like 80%. Peri thinks it was a measurement error and expects it to be back down closer to 60% like the rest of his measurements were.
Damien weighs and estimated 1lb2oz, with Atticus at about 13 oz.
I'm proud of my boys for growing so well and being so active. I hope I can keep them inside for a long while yet.
And DVD or book recommendations to pass the time?
Saturday, October 22, 2011
20w6d: Painting the Roses Red
And the nursery blue.
I realize we have entered into the world of cliches. In our defense, our bedroom is also blue (though a very different shade), and blue is one of my favorite colors. We're going to do a sea theme, with the top being sailboats and clouds, and then a border, and then the bottom being under-the-sea stuff. Which means buying decals, as neither of us are talented in that way. We're then going to "theme" each boy, with one getting sailboat bedding and one getting fish or turtles or something. We figure it's not too baby-ish. We both love the ocean and are SCUBA divers. I used to sail (but don't anymore, because the sailing here in Utah is shit). We hope our boys grow to love the ocean too, so we can take many vacations and/or move.
Also, if you think I'm the one who spent all day putting up primer (covering the formerly red walls of "the office"), you haven't been following me closely. I spent the day puking while my husband did the work. I'm a lucky girl, that's for sure.
Thursday was my birthday, and while I'd hoped it would be the best one ever, it was not. I had an exam, and just...I'm getting very overwhelmed. I'm extremely tired all day every day, and I've been getting more and more uncomfortable. I'm also increasingly anxious that I'll be put on bed rest and won't be able to finish the semester. At this point, that would be mixed news. I feel like such a bum--I mean, women are supposed to work in the fields up to delivery, squat, and get right back up and back to work. And here I am, and I can barely manage 2 9-hour shifts a week at the hospital plus one day in class. I quit my job a few weeks ago (which was always the plan as they're a small business and don't provide FMLA, but I'd wanted to finish out the year), and it hasn't helped. I feel helpless and useless, two things I do not like feeling.
I'm nervous about my scan on Monday. With the news of healthy babies, and boys at that, I was able to ignore the whole placenta previa thing...but it's creeping back into my mind. I plan on having a serious talk with the MFM if it hasn't migrated. I've been having Braxton Hicks contractions fairly regularly whenever I'm on my feet. They're harmless at this point, but if I really do have complete previa, risking pre-term labor just to finish the last 7ish weeks of the semester seems fucking stupid.
I dunno.
I'm so lucky to be pregnant with healthy babies and to have such a wonderful husband. I know that this year will be miles above my last, so I'm trying to shake this funk. Any tips?
I realize we have entered into the world of cliches. In our defense, our bedroom is also blue (though a very different shade), and blue is one of my favorite colors. We're going to do a sea theme, with the top being sailboats and clouds, and then a border, and then the bottom being under-the-sea stuff. Which means buying decals, as neither of us are talented in that way. We're then going to "theme" each boy, with one getting sailboat bedding and one getting fish or turtles or something. We figure it's not too baby-ish. We both love the ocean and are SCUBA divers. I used to sail (but don't anymore, because the sailing here in Utah is shit). We hope our boys grow to love the ocean too, so we can take many vacations and/or move.
Also, if you think I'm the one who spent all day putting up primer (covering the formerly red walls of "the office"), you haven't been following me closely. I spent the day puking while my husband did the work. I'm a lucky girl, that's for sure.
Thursday was my birthday, and while I'd hoped it would be the best one ever, it was not. I had an exam, and just...I'm getting very overwhelmed. I'm extremely tired all day every day, and I've been getting more and more uncomfortable. I'm also increasingly anxious that I'll be put on bed rest and won't be able to finish the semester. At this point, that would be mixed news. I feel like such a bum--I mean, women are supposed to work in the fields up to delivery, squat, and get right back up and back to work. And here I am, and I can barely manage 2 9-hour shifts a week at the hospital plus one day in class. I quit my job a few weeks ago (which was always the plan as they're a small business and don't provide FMLA, but I'd wanted to finish out the year), and it hasn't helped. I feel helpless and useless, two things I do not like feeling.
I'm nervous about my scan on Monday. With the news of healthy babies, and boys at that, I was able to ignore the whole placenta previa thing...but it's creeping back into my mind. I plan on having a serious talk with the MFM if it hasn't migrated. I've been having Braxton Hicks contractions fairly regularly whenever I'm on my feet. They're harmless at this point, but if I really do have complete previa, risking pre-term labor just to finish the last 7ish weeks of the semester seems fucking stupid.
I dunno.
I'm so lucky to be pregnant with healthy babies and to have such a wonderful husband. I know that this year will be miles above my last, so I'm trying to shake this funk. Any tips?
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
20w4d: No baby swapping
Chickenpig pointed out that twins can move, and A isn't always A. This is true.
In our case, though, we're almost 100% sure they haven't. One of our babies has always been measuring 4-7 days behind. The other one has been right on track or 1-2 days ahead. The littler baby has always been in the A spot. So either our boys have some sort of pact where one of them slows growth while the other one doubles it, AND they swap places, they haven't budged. Also, the placental locations are set. They don't actually move. The uterus grows, so their relative position on the wall can shift (hence why Atticus's placenta may have cleared my cervix by this coming Monday), but they're not swapping anterior and posterior, or high and low. And given the frequency of my scans, I'm pretty dang sure we'll know if Atticus has climbed the ladder or Damien took a chute.
By the way, I had a nightmare last night that I was doing IVF again. (My boys were nowhere in the picture, but I didn't feel like I'd lost them either.) I hate IVF. My sympathies go out to all those who are still cycling. :(
In our case, though, we're almost 100% sure they haven't. One of our babies has always been measuring 4-7 days behind. The other one has been right on track or 1-2 days ahead. The littler baby has always been in the A spot. So either our boys have some sort of pact where one of them slows growth while the other one doubles it, AND they swap places, they haven't budged. Also, the placental locations are set. They don't actually move. The uterus grows, so their relative position on the wall can shift (hence why Atticus's placenta may have cleared my cervix by this coming Monday), but they're not swapping anterior and posterior, or high and low. And given the frequency of my scans, I'm pretty dang sure we'll know if Atticus has climbed the ladder or Damien took a chute.
By the way, I had a nightmare last night that I was doing IVF again. (My boys were nowhere in the picture, but I didn't feel like I'd lost them either.) I hate IVF. My sympathies go out to all those who are still cycling. :(
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Almost a belly pic
There.
I found this online, and it's pretty much exactly what my boys are like, what with Atticus (Baby A, closer to cervix) having an anterior placenta and Damien posterior, and them hanging out bunk-bed style. I keep expecting them to flip to vertex and, you know, side by side, as they can't have much room in their current spots, but they seem content. And I guess this allows them to tag-team my ribs and my bladder.
Friday, October 14, 2011
19w5d: Positive!
I gained a pound!!! I'm beyond thrilled. I've decided to take this is my new "start" weight. There's simply no point in dwelling on the weight I puked away the first half of my pregnancy. I'm tired of feeling guilty for not having gained the '1/3 to 1/2 of total pregnancy weight gain' by 20 weeks. That's impossible, and by all indications, my boys are doing well, so you know? Fuck it. I'm up a pound and everything's going to be better from here on out.
My HG does seem to be getting better. The meds change or just time, I'm not sure. But I usually only puke 3ish times a day now, and one of those is right when I wake up, so it hardly even counts. I could still sleep about 20 hours a day, but really, I'm feeling so much better.
I'm also feeling my boys. I celebrated my birthday with my grandparents the other night. Damien loves cake. It's awesome. I'll be so sad when it's all gone (I've eaten a piece 3 days in a row now, which might have something to do with the weight gain), because it's like a magic trick. Eat cake, 20-30 minutes later, Damien goes nuts. Atticus gets a bit more active, but it's not the same. (Then again, his placenta is anterior, so I may still be missing some.) My husband thinks Atticus is holding out for pie, taking after Daddy that way. We'll test that theory around Thanksgiving I'm sure.
I went back, believe it or not, to Babies R Us yesterday. This time, I actually set up a registry. Kinda. I put about 20 crib sheets on there (I've heard you can never have too many), two carseats, a bunch of pacifiers, and, after starting at them forever trying to decide "which is best", one of those lay-flat baby bouncy chair things. Progress.
I'm measuring at 26 weeks. I wouldn't have been surprised if she'd said "30", honestly. I feel huge. I also almost tipped over when putting on my socks this morning--I guess I'll be doing that sitting down from now on.
My HG does seem to be getting better. The meds change or just time, I'm not sure. But I usually only puke 3ish times a day now, and one of those is right when I wake up, so it hardly even counts. I could still sleep about 20 hours a day, but really, I'm feeling so much better.
I'm also feeling my boys. I celebrated my birthday with my grandparents the other night. Damien loves cake. It's awesome. I'll be so sad when it's all gone (I've eaten a piece 3 days in a row now, which might have something to do with the weight gain), because it's like a magic trick. Eat cake, 20-30 minutes later, Damien goes nuts. Atticus gets a bit more active, but it's not the same. (Then again, his placenta is anterior, so I may still be missing some.) My husband thinks Atticus is holding out for pie, taking after Daddy that way. We'll test that theory around Thanksgiving I'm sure.
I went back, believe it or not, to Babies R Us yesterday. This time, I actually set up a registry. Kinda. I put about 20 crib sheets on there (I've heard you can never have too many), two carseats, a bunch of pacifiers, and, after starting at them forever trying to decide "which is best", one of those lay-flat baby bouncy chair things. Progress.
I'm measuring at 26 weeks. I wouldn't have been surprised if she'd said "30", honestly. I feel huge. I also almost tipped over when putting on my socks this morning--I guess I'll be doing that sitting down from now on.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
19w2d: Names?
We think we have names. We're trying them out (talking to the babies and just saying them over and over) before announcing them to the world, but I figured I'd go ahead and start using them here as part of that process. It's been 2 days, after all, and I think we're good.
Itsy=Atticus Lawrence
Bitsy=Damien Elliot
Lawrence is my father-in-law's name. He goes by Larry. I'm not overly fond of the name, but my husband wants to use it (especially since neither of his nephews is any way named after his dad), so of course that trumps all. And it's not an awful name, I just don't like it with my husband's last name (which sounds like, but is not, 'Lame').
We're using my husband's last name instead of mine, because mine is long, ugly, and always misspelled. Seriously always misspelled. It ends in -son and more than half the time gets -sen. Including, which drives me fucking nuts, on half of my school records. I kept my name for career purposes, and also because we went to Jamaica for our honeymoon and I didn't want to worry over the logistics of a name-change and a passport, and then when we got back, well, driver's licence, social security, car, house, etc. Easier to just keep it, even though I've never really loved it.
I do love our boys' names, though. We wanted names that were not extremely common but also not weird, names that could be pronounced in French and English, names that sounded good together but not matchy, and names that we felt they could grow up.
Atticus was originally a middle name, in my mind. After Atticus Finch, of course. I simply cannot imagine a better role-model, and To Kill a Mockingbird just might be my favorite book ever. (Might. I do have many favorites, but it's always consistently in the running.) But the more we said it, the more we liked it. It turns out that Atticus has been in the top 1000 names since 2004, and is currently at about 550. So he won't be the only one. And most people have heard of it (from the book or movie), so I don't think it will get a "ummm, ok, whatever" response. We think it might be a touch nerdy, but we don't think it's a name an athlete could never have. We think he might get called "Atty" when he's little (probably not by us), but that's pretty neutral.
Damien carries a bit of the "devil child" stigma. But we love it anyway. I've never actually seen the movie--I just know he's the devil's kid and thus, presumably, is very naughty. But it's a pretty popular name (70s in the Social Security rankings), and I can think of several famous Damiens (including the awesome musician, Damien Rice), so it's not like we're actually naming him Lucifer or Satan. And it's such a pretty name. In fact, if it weren't for the evil connotations, I might think it was a touch girly.
Elliot is just a name we both like and think flows well. We tried, for a while, to come up with middle names to honor my step-father, but we eventually gave up. In no small part because he hates his own name (and I actually really love it) and always tells people it's something different, and goes by his initials anyway. So we figured, in the end, that it was ok. And also, my step-brother and sister-in-law are having a boy and won't be sharing his name, and it's likely he'll be named after my step-dad (and let's hope, because when they were pregnant last time, they said after the birth that had she been a girl, they would have given her my husband's name, which is also my SIL's dad's name, and I just really hate that, because although it's clearly after her dad, it's my husband who is in our family and would be sharing the name).
Anyway.
We talked about waiting until they're born to assign the names to each baby, but part of the joy of having names is using them. And Damien, my little kicker, my speed-grower, just seems to fit Bitsy, whereas Itsy, my little fighter, my measuring-behind, my almost-no-heartbeat but then BOOM--heartbeat, never looking back, and will be first-born if vaginal, well, that's clearly Atticus, fighting the good fight and leading the way.
I love my little frat boys so very much. And I want them to stay safe inside for a while yet, but I'm so very much looking forward to holding Damien and Atticus in my arms.
Itsy=Atticus Lawrence
Bitsy=Damien Elliot
Lawrence is my father-in-law's name. He goes by Larry. I'm not overly fond of the name, but my husband wants to use it (especially since neither of his nephews is any way named after his dad), so of course that trumps all. And it's not an awful name, I just don't like it with my husband's last name (which sounds like, but is not, 'Lame').
We're using my husband's last name instead of mine, because mine is long, ugly, and always misspelled. Seriously always misspelled. It ends in -son and more than half the time gets -sen. Including, which drives me fucking nuts, on half of my school records. I kept my name for career purposes, and also because we went to Jamaica for our honeymoon and I didn't want to worry over the logistics of a name-change and a passport, and then when we got back, well, driver's licence, social security, car, house, etc. Easier to just keep it, even though I've never really loved it.
I do love our boys' names, though. We wanted names that were not extremely common but also not weird, names that could be pronounced in French and English, names that sounded good together but not matchy, and names that we felt they could grow up.
Atticus was originally a middle name, in my mind. After Atticus Finch, of course. I simply cannot imagine a better role-model, and To Kill a Mockingbird just might be my favorite book ever. (Might. I do have many favorites, but it's always consistently in the running.) But the more we said it, the more we liked it. It turns out that Atticus has been in the top 1000 names since 2004, and is currently at about 550. So he won't be the only one. And most people have heard of it (from the book or movie), so I don't think it will get a "ummm, ok, whatever" response. We think it might be a touch nerdy, but we don't think it's a name an athlete could never have. We think he might get called "Atty" when he's little (probably not by us), but that's pretty neutral.
Damien carries a bit of the "devil child" stigma. But we love it anyway. I've never actually seen the movie--I just know he's the devil's kid and thus, presumably, is very naughty. But it's a pretty popular name (70s in the Social Security rankings), and I can think of several famous Damiens (including the awesome musician, Damien Rice), so it's not like we're actually naming him Lucifer or Satan. And it's such a pretty name. In fact, if it weren't for the evil connotations, I might think it was a touch girly.
Elliot is just a name we both like and think flows well. We tried, for a while, to come up with middle names to honor my step-father, but we eventually gave up. In no small part because he hates his own name (and I actually really love it) and always tells people it's something different, and goes by his initials anyway. So we figured, in the end, that it was ok. And also, my step-brother and sister-in-law are having a boy and won't be sharing his name, and it's likely he'll be named after my step-dad (and let's hope, because when they were pregnant last time, they said after the birth that had she been a girl, they would have given her my husband's name, which is also my SIL's dad's name, and I just really hate that, because although it's clearly after her dad, it's my husband who is in our family and would be sharing the name).
Anyway.
We talked about waiting until they're born to assign the names to each baby, but part of the joy of having names is using them. And Damien, my little kicker, my speed-grower, just seems to fit Bitsy, whereas Itsy, my little fighter, my measuring-behind, my almost-no-heartbeat but then BOOM--heartbeat, never looking back, and will be first-born if vaginal, well, that's clearly Atticus, fighting the good fight and leading the way.
I love my little frat boys so very much. And I want them to stay safe inside for a while yet, but I'm so very much looking forward to holding Damien and Atticus in my arms.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
19w0d: Half-way
Yes, I know a singleton pregnancy is 40 weeks (actually though, anywhere from 38-42 is "normal") and so 20 weeks is the acknowledged half-way mark, but not for me! My OB has already said she won't let me go past 38 weeks (and my doctorsister agrees with that call), so for me 19 is my max-half. 37 weeks is full-term (for any baby), so I'm already more than half-way to that. And my personal goal is to keep Itsy and Bitsy (who might have names--we've got one, just unsure on the 2nd, and I'll share once we've decided for sure!) inside until February, which is about 35.5+ weeks.
So halfway! Hang in there, baby boys, we're doing great!
My baby brother's birthday is today. Which means October Birthday Fest is officially upon us. My doctorsister (Oct 15th) was in town, and so we celebrated her and my brother together. Normally, I would be thrown in too (Oct 20), but it was deemed too soon. My grandparents, however, are celebrating with me on Tuesday. And everyone wants to know what I want.
Baby stuff.
Baby stuff is what we're asking for my birthday, Christmas, and my husband's birthday (Jan 23). And for the two showers I'm apparently having (more on that later).
So, equipped with two internal penises (penes, apparently, is the correct plural), I decided to man up.
My husband and I hit Babies R Us yesterday. (SPOILER: We didn't buy anything.) It wasn't as bad as I'd feared. I did stay clear of clothing and toys (the awwwww-inducing areas of the store). We focused on: carseats, strollers, cribs, boppys, bouncy seats/swings.
So up first, carseats. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, and yeah no. We took my husband's car, to determine which infant seats could fit in it. Answer? None! At least, not comfortably. The clerk kept arguing with us, saying "it fits just fine behind the passenger seat though". We did explain about the whole twin thing, and believe it or not, twins need separate car seats (despite sharing a uterus, which does seem rather unfair). So we're just going to go with the ever-popular, extremely safe Graco, and a new car for me. We might get an extra base, possibly two, for my husband's car, but we've decided we'll just switch cars with frequency, and whoever's not at work (or whatever) gets the babymobile, and whoever's leaving takes the Carefree Car.
Especially since we might have more kids.
I'm not making that decision now, obviously, since I don't know what raising twins will take out of me. My husband, when we found out it was twins, said "we're done". It broke my heart. I haven't nagged him, figuring he would come to a decision on his own, and I'd rather all our children be wanted, even if it meant only two (please let these boys both live!), than to get my wish at the expense of my husband. And we did have a serious conversation about it a few weeks ago.
Growing up, I wanted 6 kids. When I reached my mid-twenties and was unhitched (and developed my plan of using a sperm-donor at 30 if I wasn't in a serious relationship with a man at that point), I decided on 4 instead. I told my husband this very early on in our dating career. (He wanted kids but had no firm ideas on amount.) Infertility made me reconsider. By the time of our last transfer, I had mentally down-sized to 2. I mean, two years, six embryos transferred, an awful fert report, at my emotional end, no baby in sight--2 seemed down-right greedy, and more seemed shameful and, frankly, a journey I didn't think I could endure.
But as challenging as this pregnancy has been, everything now seems easy again. I mean, 2 babies in just shy of 3 years (counting from tossing the Pill towards hopeful delivery) really isn't that bad. And I'm convinced that the emotional mess of IVF and trying for another baby will be very different than trying for a baby at all. Finances won't change, and that may prove to be a limiting factor. But aside from that...I see know reason to have a cut-off at 2 anymore. (Again, might change my mind once they're here.)
And my husband, and I am sooooo lucky!, is now on the same page. The wait-and-see-but-possibly page.
I read an absolutely hilarious sentence that immediately made it clear that the Salt Lake Tribune had just full-out copied the article from the AP. It was about Mitt Romney. The sentence described his family as "huge" (or maybe "enormous"). The dude has 5 kids. 5 kids, in Utah, is not a big deal. 5 kids for Mormon families is pretty much expected. All of my Mormon friends growing up came from families with 6 or more kids. 8 kids is not unusual. 10 is where we start saying "big". 12 plus takes you into "huge". And yes, I know families like that, more than one. My family, until we acquired the step-siblings, was on the smaller side, at 4. Most of my non-Mormon friends, whose parents chose to live here for whatever reason, came from families of 3+ as well. I only had one friend who was an only child, and she moved her from England at 11. (And she's one of my baby-shower-throwers, and is very awesome.)
So I might be a bit biased when it comes to "perfect family size". But I loved growing up with my siblings, and playing with all the siblings of my friends. We never "didn't have enough kids" to play a good game of kick-the-can, hide-and-seek, basketball, Monopoly, Rook, whatever. It only took a handful of calls to organize Capture the Flag, full-fledged soccer games, huge camp-outs in someone's back yard. I want my kids to have the same experience.
Which, by the way, is why I was so surprised at the dearth of double strollers at Babies R Us. I know twins are still kind of rare, but seriously--BIG FAMILIES! And they didn't even have the much-recommended Double Snap and Go! They only had 2 side-by-side doubles, one of which was a very cheap, flimsy sort, which I believe is called an "umbrella" stroller. And they had maybe 3 back-to-front ones, which looking at solidified my decision to go side-by-side. (They also didn't have any other twin stuff--no twin boppies or Pack N Plays (ugh, we will bypass that entirely, thanks)--which wasn't a total shock, but was a disappointment anyway.)
So we'll be ordering a few key things from the internet, apparently. Although we plan on checking out Target and the like too, but aren't hopeful they'll have everything we want.
I've got to run, so I'll finish all this up later.
So halfway! Hang in there, baby boys, we're doing great!
My baby brother's birthday is today. Which means October Birthday Fest is officially upon us. My doctorsister (Oct 15th) was in town, and so we celebrated her and my brother together. Normally, I would be thrown in too (Oct 20), but it was deemed too soon. My grandparents, however, are celebrating with me on Tuesday. And everyone wants to know what I want.
Baby stuff.
Baby stuff is what we're asking for my birthday, Christmas, and my husband's birthday (Jan 23). And for the two showers I'm apparently having (more on that later).
So, equipped with two internal penises (penes, apparently, is the correct plural), I decided to man up.
My husband and I hit Babies R Us yesterday. (SPOILER: We didn't buy anything.) It wasn't as bad as I'd feared. I did stay clear of clothing and toys (the awwwww-inducing areas of the store). We focused on: carseats, strollers, cribs, boppys, bouncy seats/swings.
So up first, carseats. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, and yeah no. We took my husband's car, to determine which infant seats could fit in it. Answer? None! At least, not comfortably. The clerk kept arguing with us, saying "it fits just fine behind the passenger seat though". We did explain about the whole twin thing, and believe it or not, twins need separate car seats (despite sharing a uterus, which does seem rather unfair). So we're just going to go with the ever-popular, extremely safe Graco, and a new car for me. We might get an extra base, possibly two, for my husband's car, but we've decided we'll just switch cars with frequency, and whoever's not at work (or whatever) gets the babymobile, and whoever's leaving takes the Carefree Car.
Especially since we might have more kids.
I'm not making that decision now, obviously, since I don't know what raising twins will take out of me. My husband, when we found out it was twins, said "we're done". It broke my heart. I haven't nagged him, figuring he would come to a decision on his own, and I'd rather all our children be wanted, even if it meant only two (please let these boys both live!), than to get my wish at the expense of my husband. And we did have a serious conversation about it a few weeks ago.
Growing up, I wanted 6 kids. When I reached my mid-twenties and was unhitched (and developed my plan of using a sperm-donor at 30 if I wasn't in a serious relationship with a man at that point), I decided on 4 instead. I told my husband this very early on in our dating career. (He wanted kids but had no firm ideas on amount.) Infertility made me reconsider. By the time of our last transfer, I had mentally down-sized to 2. I mean, two years, six embryos transferred, an awful fert report, at my emotional end, no baby in sight--2 seemed down-right greedy, and more seemed shameful and, frankly, a journey I didn't think I could endure.
But as challenging as this pregnancy has been, everything now seems easy again. I mean, 2 babies in just shy of 3 years (counting from tossing the Pill towards hopeful delivery) really isn't that bad. And I'm convinced that the emotional mess of IVF and trying for another baby will be very different than trying for a baby at all. Finances won't change, and that may prove to be a limiting factor. But aside from that...I see know reason to have a cut-off at 2 anymore. (Again, might change my mind once they're here.)
And my husband, and I am sooooo lucky!, is now on the same page. The wait-and-see-but-possibly page.
I read an absolutely hilarious sentence that immediately made it clear that the Salt Lake Tribune had just full-out copied the article from the AP. It was about Mitt Romney. The sentence described his family as "huge" (or maybe "enormous"). The dude has 5 kids. 5 kids, in Utah, is not a big deal. 5 kids for Mormon families is pretty much expected. All of my Mormon friends growing up came from families with 6 or more kids. 8 kids is not unusual. 10 is where we start saying "big". 12 plus takes you into "huge". And yes, I know families like that, more than one. My family, until we acquired the step-siblings, was on the smaller side, at 4. Most of my non-Mormon friends, whose parents chose to live here for whatever reason, came from families of 3+ as well. I only had one friend who was an only child, and she moved her from England at 11. (And she's one of my baby-shower-throwers, and is very awesome.)
So I might be a bit biased when it comes to "perfect family size". But I loved growing up with my siblings, and playing with all the siblings of my friends. We never "didn't have enough kids" to play a good game of kick-the-can, hide-and-seek, basketball, Monopoly, Rook, whatever. It only took a handful of calls to organize Capture the Flag, full-fledged soccer games, huge camp-outs in someone's back yard. I want my kids to have the same experience.
Which, by the way, is why I was so surprised at the dearth of double strollers at Babies R Us. I know twins are still kind of rare, but seriously--BIG FAMILIES! And they didn't even have the much-recommended Double Snap and Go! They only had 2 side-by-side doubles, one of which was a very cheap, flimsy sort, which I believe is called an "umbrella" stroller. And they had maybe 3 back-to-front ones, which looking at solidified my decision to go side-by-side. (They also didn't have any other twin stuff--no twin boppies or Pack N Plays (ugh, we will bypass that entirely, thanks)--which wasn't a total shock, but was a disappointment anyway.)
So we'll be ordering a few key things from the internet, apparently. Although we plan on checking out Target and the like too, but aren't hopeful they'll have everything we want.
I've got to run, so I'll finish all this up later.
Monday, October 3, 2011
Maybe I'm allergic to testosterone?
Because, you know, my TWO BOYS could be producing that...
Two boys! My house will be overrun by trucks! I'm psyched.
And they seem to be doing very well. Itsy continues to measure behind (5 days, 10% smaller) but Bitsy is a day ahead and right about at 50% for all his measurements. Itsy's placenta is partially covering my cervix, but the doctor really seemed to think it would migrate off. The cervix itself is long and closed, so that's good news.
We couldn't get the proper measurements on either heart, but again the doctor wasn't concerned--he said it's early to get them on twins, but wanted to do the rest at 18 weeks while they still had room to move around.
And I am indeed feeling movement! I wasn't sure, but I could totally feel some (but not all) of the big kicks Bitsy (posterior placenta) made.
Next MFM scan in 3 weeks, then every two weeks for cervix checks.
Two boys! My house will be overrun by trucks! I'm psyched.
And they seem to be doing very well. Itsy continues to measure behind (5 days, 10% smaller) but Bitsy is a day ahead and right about at 50% for all his measurements. Itsy's placenta is partially covering my cervix, but the doctor really seemed to think it would migrate off. The cervix itself is long and closed, so that's good news.
We couldn't get the proper measurements on either heart, but again the doctor wasn't concerned--he said it's early to get them on twins, but wanted to do the rest at 18 weeks while they still had room to move around.
And I am indeed feeling movement! I wasn't sure, but I could totally feel some (but not all) of the big kicks Bitsy (posterior placenta) made.
Next MFM scan in 3 weeks, then every two weeks for cervix checks.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
My sister is pregnant
And I don't know how I feel. She told me yesterday. Well, rather, she "hinted" yesterday, asking me which pregnancy book I had and telling me she didn't like the ones she had and...[pause]. So I asked, "Are you?" and she said, "Am I what?" Which, come on. "Pregnant?" "Yes."
I'm not sobbing about it, which is a huge improvement over my SIL's pregnancy (which I "discovered" while doing my last IVF cycle, but the whole family already knew...) I expected it--they were trying for about 5 months, and she'd asked me for my RE's number "just in case". I've blogged about her before, and why...well, I'm not all that certain that she'll make a very good mom. Which sounds horrible, I know. But there it is. She lacks empathy and patience. She means well, but she can be incredibly cruel unintentionally. And she's never liked kids, never worked with them, never even baby sat. So.
I'm still kind of pissed off. It was so easy for them. Sex. Not even charting. Just sex. And the last we talked about it (which was well over a year ago), my sister only wanted a girl. Now, she didn't "sway" or anything, but I just know she'll be "disappointed" if it's a boy. In fact, she kind of alluded to this yesterday, saying she hadn't had any morning sickness yet and she'd heard that means boy and is that true? I did not take the bait.
But it was so IRRITATING, because she knows about my HG and I had told her earlier (before she told me about her pregnancy) that I'd puked out of my nose in the morning and have lost another 3 lbs. So it was like a one-two punch of "I don't have any sickness" and "God I hope this baby isn't a boy".
Her husband just got his PhD and still hasn't found a job yet--and isn't working at all, even in a "lesser area".
I dunno, I guess I'm just frustrated at the unfairness of it all, and really not looking forward to "bonding" with her over pregnancy and newborn issues. (She lives about 15-20 minutes away from me.)
She doesn't know how far along she is but thinks she's due at the end of May.
I'm not sobbing about it, which is a huge improvement over my SIL's pregnancy (which I "discovered" while doing my last IVF cycle, but the whole family already knew...) I expected it--they were trying for about 5 months, and she'd asked me for my RE's number "just in case". I've blogged about her before, and why...well, I'm not all that certain that she'll make a very good mom. Which sounds horrible, I know. But there it is. She lacks empathy and patience. She means well, but she can be incredibly cruel unintentionally. And she's never liked kids, never worked with them, never even baby sat. So.
I'm still kind of pissed off. It was so easy for them. Sex. Not even charting. Just sex. And the last we talked about it (which was well over a year ago), my sister only wanted a girl. Now, she didn't "sway" or anything, but I just know she'll be "disappointed" if it's a boy. In fact, she kind of alluded to this yesterday, saying she hadn't had any morning sickness yet and she'd heard that means boy and is that true? I did not take the bait.
But it was so IRRITATING, because she knows about my HG and I had told her earlier (before she told me about her pregnancy) that I'd puked out of my nose in the morning and have lost another 3 lbs. So it was like a one-two punch of "I don't have any sickness" and "God I hope this baby isn't a boy".
Her husband just got his PhD and still hasn't found a job yet--and isn't working at all, even in a "lesser area".
I dunno, I guess I'm just frustrated at the unfairness of it all, and really not looking forward to "bonding" with her over pregnancy and newborn issues. (She lives about 15-20 minutes away from me.)
She doesn't know how far along she is but thinks she's due at the end of May.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)