I'm calling it:
I am pregnant.
Holy fucking shit!!!!!!!!!!!!
I got 2 very visible lines today.
I just want to say, if this news is too painful for you, if you no longer wish to follow, read, comment, whatever, that's TOTALLY FINE. I have been in your shoes. I am optimistic about this, and you won't hurt my feelings.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
4dp5dt: Shadow of a Doubt
I have a shadow. I am not making it up. What I'm not certain of, is if it has enough color to be a line or if it is one of those "evaps" everyone talks about (which I have never seen).
I am not calling myself pregnant. I am not allowing myself to think that I might be pregnant. What I am doing, is being hopeful. I went into this FET thinking, pretty much, "whatever, I have to frozens so I may as well use them, then we'll try another fresh at a different clinic." I have not been excited, except for a few hours after hearing that both our embryos survived the thaw. (And, while waiting for the call, I actually cried a little, just because I want to be pregnant so very much and had such little hope for this cycle.) And after my have-to-pee transfer coupled with one of them being less than lovely (please forgive me for thinking that, dear embryo), I went back to just...not excited. Not distraught, but not happy at all.
Now, I am feeling some excitement. I am not allowing myself to daydream like I did last cycle, but I am entertaining thoughts of "maybe, just maybe". I do not want to set myself up for a fall. But...I'm climbing a little bit closer to hope.
I am not calling myself pregnant. I am not allowing myself to think that I might be pregnant. What I am doing, is being hopeful. I went into this FET thinking, pretty much, "whatever, I have to frozens so I may as well use them, then we'll try another fresh at a different clinic." I have not been excited, except for a few hours after hearing that both our embryos survived the thaw. (And, while waiting for the call, I actually cried a little, just because I want to be pregnant so very much and had such little hope for this cycle.) And after my have-to-pee transfer coupled with one of them being less than lovely (please forgive me for thinking that, dear embryo), I went back to just...not excited. Not distraught, but not happy at all.
Now, I am feeling some excitement. I am not allowing myself to daydream like I did last cycle, but I am entertaining thoughts of "maybe, just maybe". I do not want to set myself up for a fall. But...I'm climbing a little bit closer to hope.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
3dp5dt: Infertility Monopoly
Because I am an idiot, I tested today. I then proceeded to stare at the test for so long that my eyes blurred and I imagined a shadow of a line. At which point I chucked the test. It's still very very early, especially for a FET. I plan on testing daily, but I really shouldn't have started until at least tomorrow.
Anyway. Remember my OB sister? She's in her 3rd year of residency and almost done with her RE/I rotation. She's not learning much, frankly. Her program does Clomid IUIs but no injectibles and certainly no IVF. She told me she's getting pretty good at counting antral follicles. Take a back seat, sis--I'm probably better and have been doing it for longer. Anyway, she told me that, in OB/GYN, there are two very competitive fellowships: gyn/onc and RE/I. Gyn/Onc because...well, that's cancer, and you need to be pretty smart and able and dedicated and such to deal with all the "lady cancers". And RE/I because....they make so much money.
Yeah. I've long suspected that the embryologist is the true hero of the clinic. I figure I could run an IVF cycle myself, except for the egg retrieval. (Pretty sure I could do transfers.) I don't actually begrudge doctors for making a profit off my infertility. But...such a huge one?
Which got me thinking. Melissa Ford, our lovely blogger at Stirrup Queens, compares infertility to an island in very wonderful book. And she's right. But I kind of figure, what with the doctors making so much money off my pain, infertility is a lot like a board game. Specifically:
Monopoly.
You build little clinics on the properties. Once you have 4 clinics, you build a "Famous Center", like CCRM. You can then charge a shit-ton more and insist on even more bullshit hoops for patients. (Which is not to say that I may not land at CCRM's doorstep myself one of these days. They're that good. Alas.)
For the pieces, it'll be the standards: a syringe, a dildocam, a little gown, paper booties, a calender, an 8-cell embryo, an OPK, and an HPT (you can tell them apart because the HPT only has one line. Duh.)
"GO" is obviously Cycle Day One. Every time an infertile passes Cycle Day One, they collect 200 tampons.
"Jail" is a cyst. You have to stay in there for three turns while you wait-and-see (and roll the dice on Lupron or birth control--doubles and it works, not-doubles and you just wasted even more money!) or else you can pay a tidy sum to have it aspirated and continue along your way.
"Free Parking" is insurance coverage. Good luck landing on that one.
The dark purple properties are "birth control mishap" and "we weren't even trying!"
The light blues: no birth control, vacation, and "we'll see what happens".
The light purples: pre-natal vitamins, basal body temperatures, and charting.
The oranges: cervical mucus (and who DOESN'T want to own cervical mucus??), cervical position, and the ClearBlue Fertility Monitor.
The reds: Pillow-under-ass, PreSeed, Instead Cup. (See, you don't have to own them all. I never did the Instead cup thing, but judging by the posts on Fertility Friend, this wouldn't be a bad thing to invest in.)
Yellow: Infertility spells, acupuncture, infertility meditations.
Green: Cycle Day Three work-up, Clomid, IUI
And finally, the dark blues: IVF and PGD.
The utilities will be the man stuff: semen analysis and sperm wash.
The railroads: Domestic adoption, international adoption, foster-to-adopt, and take-those-damn-people-who-say-"you can have one of mine!"-up-on-their-offer.
And I'm having a field day coming up with Chance and Community Chest cards.
Gotta make this whole thing fun somehow...
Anyway. Remember my OB sister? She's in her 3rd year of residency and almost done with her RE/I rotation. She's not learning much, frankly. Her program does Clomid IUIs but no injectibles and certainly no IVF. She told me she's getting pretty good at counting antral follicles. Take a back seat, sis--I'm probably better and have been doing it for longer. Anyway, she told me that, in OB/GYN, there are two very competitive fellowships: gyn/onc and RE/I. Gyn/Onc because...well, that's cancer, and you need to be pretty smart and able and dedicated and such to deal with all the "lady cancers". And RE/I because....they make so much money.
Yeah. I've long suspected that the embryologist is the true hero of the clinic. I figure I could run an IVF cycle myself, except for the egg retrieval. (Pretty sure I could do transfers.) I don't actually begrudge doctors for making a profit off my infertility. But...such a huge one?
Which got me thinking. Melissa Ford, our lovely blogger at Stirrup Queens, compares infertility to an island in very wonderful book. And she's right. But I kind of figure, what with the doctors making so much money off my pain, infertility is a lot like a board game. Specifically:
Monopoly.
You build little clinics on the properties. Once you have 4 clinics, you build a "Famous Center", like CCRM. You can then charge a shit-ton more and insist on even more bullshit hoops for patients. (Which is not to say that I may not land at CCRM's doorstep myself one of these days. They're that good. Alas.)
For the pieces, it'll be the standards: a syringe, a dildocam, a little gown, paper booties, a calender, an 8-cell embryo, an OPK, and an HPT (you can tell them apart because the HPT only has one line. Duh.)
"GO" is obviously Cycle Day One. Every time an infertile passes Cycle Day One, they collect 200 tampons.
"Jail" is a cyst. You have to stay in there for three turns while you wait-and-see (and roll the dice on Lupron or birth control--doubles and it works, not-doubles and you just wasted even more money!) or else you can pay a tidy sum to have it aspirated and continue along your way.
"Free Parking" is insurance coverage. Good luck landing on that one.
The dark purple properties are "birth control mishap" and "we weren't even trying!"
The light blues: no birth control, vacation, and "we'll see what happens".
The light purples: pre-natal vitamins, basal body temperatures, and charting.
The oranges: cervical mucus (and who DOESN'T want to own cervical mucus??), cervical position, and the ClearBlue Fertility Monitor.
The reds: Pillow-under-ass, PreSeed, Instead Cup. (See, you don't have to own them all. I never did the Instead cup thing, but judging by the posts on Fertility Friend, this wouldn't be a bad thing to invest in.)
Yellow: Infertility spells, acupuncture, infertility meditations.
Green: Cycle Day Three work-up, Clomid, IUI
And finally, the dark blues: IVF and PGD.
The utilities will be the man stuff: semen analysis and sperm wash.
The railroads: Domestic adoption, international adoption, foster-to-adopt, and take-those-damn-people-who-say-"you can have one of mine!"-up-on-their-offer.
And I'm having a field day coming up with Chance and Community Chest cards.
Gotta make this whole thing fun somehow...
Thursday, February 24, 2011
1dp5dt: How I Peed On the Table
First, the good news: We successfully transferred 2 hatching blasts. They were our 5AAs. I did not get a new grade for them. One of them looked rather squashed. The embryologist explained that, as they draw the water out and wash it with the antifreeze stuff (I assume it's not the same as what's in my car...), the blastocysts can collapse a bit. But it was in the process of re-expanding and doing well. He said it was still "perfect". I guess I'll trust him. The other one looked pretty much the same as the first picture.
We only have a hard copy of the picture this time, not a digital one, so I can't post it. But they looked pretty fetching, if I do say.
Now, for the rest of it: We have instructions to arrive with a "filling bladder" half an hour before the scheduled transfer, to sign the final consent and take some Valium and such. My transfer was scheduled for 2pm. I went about my normal, perfectly hydrated day. I peed right before leaving for the clinic, which is about 20 minutes away. I then drank half a liter of water in the car. We get there, sign the consents, all is well. I can feel my bladder filling. We go change (my husband took the afternoon off as well), me into my little robe, booties, and hairnet, and him into a yellow jacket thingy, booties, and hairnet. We're led into the OR, and the tech puts me on the table and does a bladder check ultrasound.
I am perfect!
She leaves. 5 minutes later, she is back. The doctor, she explains, is running behind. Would I like to empty my bladder?
"How behind?" I ask. "Because if it's like 15 minutes, I'm good. If it's like 45 minutes, then I'm not good."
She goes to check. The embryologist comes in. I tell him he is "my favorite". He tells me all about my blasts. I am high on Valium and keep saying, "But it's squashed. I know you're the doctor but are you sure it's still good?" I also tell him I'm so sorry for his country. He has what I think is a New Zealand accent. It might be Australian though, but he just says thanks and that his family are all ok. I tell him I want a family. He says he knows and it looks good but he can't make promises. He ducks through the lab door and proceeds to tell everyone I am bat-shit insane.
The MA comes back "About half an hour," she says. "I think you should empty." So I do.
I hop back on the table, and she brings me two cups of water. They're not huge, probably 10-12 oz each. I down them. She brings another. Down the hatch it goes. She does a bladder check. It's been maybe 15 minutes, and surprise, while I am filling, I am not yet full. So...2 12oz cans of apple juice. And THEN, 1 12-oz can of lemonade AND another 12-oz can of fruit punch.
Oh my god. I don't like sugary drinks. (Except margaritas, of course.) Plus...that is a lot of liquid to drink in about half an hour. I tell the MA that I think we should replace my blood with hot chocolate. This way, the embryos would think how nice and warm it is compared to the liquid nitrogen and want to stick around. And I could stop drinking. She tells my husband he's got a lovely wife. I think this is some sort of code.
I remind my husband that he "has to be the clown since we didn't hire one". And so on.
At 2:55 (I know, because the RE asked the time), he's done with his procedure and in my room. He apologizes for running late. My husband is pretty pissed off by this point. I really have to piss by this point.
And yes, the bladder is full. Superfull. We do the transfer and I am dying. I have to pee so incredibly badly that I have a hard time paying attention to the embryos in the dish (shown on the TV screen, like last time). Magical, beautiful, BLAH BLAH GET THEM INSIDE ME ALREADY I HAVE TO PEE. I am clenching my pelvic floor muscles so hard to prevent an accident. When the embryologist is checking to make sure the embryos cleared the tube, I actually dislodge the speculum.
True story.
Dr. B decides he'd better cath my bladder. Thank the sweet lord. I am not even ashamed to be peeing on the table right in front of my husband, the doctor, and the MA.
And I had to pee again after my table rest time. And then I nearly wet myself on the drive home. And then again every half hour until about 8pm. Sweet jesus, I am never drinking anything they give me again.
But my embryos are safe and sound inside me. I assume. Unless I peed them out too.
We only have a hard copy of the picture this time, not a digital one, so I can't post it. But they looked pretty fetching, if I do say.
Now, for the rest of it: We have instructions to arrive with a "filling bladder" half an hour before the scheduled transfer, to sign the final consent and take some Valium and such. My transfer was scheduled for 2pm. I went about my normal, perfectly hydrated day. I peed right before leaving for the clinic, which is about 20 minutes away. I then drank half a liter of water in the car. We get there, sign the consents, all is well. I can feel my bladder filling. We go change (my husband took the afternoon off as well), me into my little robe, booties, and hairnet, and him into a yellow jacket thingy, booties, and hairnet. We're led into the OR, and the tech puts me on the table and does a bladder check ultrasound.
I am perfect!
She leaves. 5 minutes later, she is back. The doctor, she explains, is running behind. Would I like to empty my bladder?
"How behind?" I ask. "Because if it's like 15 minutes, I'm good. If it's like 45 minutes, then I'm not good."
She goes to check. The embryologist comes in. I tell him he is "my favorite". He tells me all about my blasts. I am high on Valium and keep saying, "But it's squashed. I know you're the doctor but are you sure it's still good?" I also tell him I'm so sorry for his country. He has what I think is a New Zealand accent. It might be Australian though, but he just says thanks and that his family are all ok. I tell him I want a family. He says he knows and it looks good but he can't make promises. He ducks through the lab door and proceeds to tell everyone I am bat-shit insane.
The MA comes back "About half an hour," she says. "I think you should empty." So I do.
I hop back on the table, and she brings me two cups of water. They're not huge, probably 10-12 oz each. I down them. She brings another. Down the hatch it goes. She does a bladder check. It's been maybe 15 minutes, and surprise, while I am filling, I am not yet full. So...2 12oz cans of apple juice. And THEN, 1 12-oz can of lemonade AND another 12-oz can of fruit punch.
Oh my god. I don't like sugary drinks. (Except margaritas, of course.) Plus...that is a lot of liquid to drink in about half an hour. I tell the MA that I think we should replace my blood with hot chocolate. This way, the embryos would think how nice and warm it is compared to the liquid nitrogen and want to stick around. And I could stop drinking. She tells my husband he's got a lovely wife. I think this is some sort of code.
I remind my husband that he "has to be the clown since we didn't hire one". And so on.
At 2:55 (I know, because the RE asked the time), he's done with his procedure and in my room. He apologizes for running late. My husband is pretty pissed off by this point. I really have to piss by this point.
And yes, the bladder is full. Superfull. We do the transfer and I am dying. I have to pee so incredibly badly that I have a hard time paying attention to the embryos in the dish (shown on the TV screen, like last time). Magical, beautiful, BLAH BLAH GET THEM INSIDE ME ALREADY I HAVE TO PEE. I am clenching my pelvic floor muscles so hard to prevent an accident. When the embryologist is checking to make sure the embryos cleared the tube, I actually dislodge the speculum.
True story.
Dr. B decides he'd better cath my bladder. Thank the sweet lord. I am not even ashamed to be peeing on the table right in front of my husband, the doctor, and the MA.
And I had to pee again after my table rest time. And then I nearly wet myself on the drive home. And then again every half hour until about 8pm. Sweet jesus, I am never drinking anything they give me again.
But my embryos are safe and sound inside me. I assume. Unless I peed them out too.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
ET quickie
Just a quick update. Both the blasts we thawed survived. I'm off to the clinic to get them back!
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
ET minus one! I love a good game of tag...
Rule #1: the tagged person must write their answers on their blog and replace any question they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.
Rule #2: tag 4 people to do this quiz; they cannot refuse (ok, so nothing bad will happen if you don’t participate but I would love to see your answers). The tag-ee must state who tagged them.
Ok., trying to make links here...I was tagged by the lovely Bridget at http://ourstorkgotlost.blogspot.com/
And the four people I'm tagging are:
(1) Ashley at http://onthelanai.blogspot.com/
(2) Lulu at http://closeriam2fine.blogspot.com/
(3) Wonder Woman at http://faithsseed.blogspot.com/
(4) Elphaba at http://eggsandsperm.com/
1. If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals or are they members of your family? Family members, of course! Why else would we have them?? It's not like our house is rat-infested or people try to break in all the time or anything.
2. If you could have a dream come true, what would it be? See, now I know this questionnaire was not written by an infertile. Because, duh. Although I'm going to be greedy: I want two happy, healthy pregnancies that come to fruition exactly on their due dates. I want the children from those pregnancies to have long, healthy, happy lives, and for them to argue over who gets to take me and JimDear in in our old ages.
3. What would you do with a billion dollars? My grandparents bought a condo in Kaua'i in the 1940s. It has an ocean view (rocks, tide-pools...) and is within walking distance of a good beach. We used to go there every 2-3 years. Many of my happiest memories, from toddlerhood till college, are of Hawaii. They are selling it now because they're getting old and their 7 daughters (well, really only 3 of them, but they're ruining everything) cannot agree on a way to share it. It's now worth over a million dollars (!!) It breaks my heart that my children will not get to have such a fun, wonder-filled vacation spot. So, step one, I would buy this condo. And, because I am not an ass, I would share it with my siblings (and cousins).
Then I'd replace our windows. They're from the 1960s and are single-pane. Time to upgrade!
Pay off the house and my husband's car. And our credit card. Put enough in the bank for about 10 more rounds of IVF.
And then help out my siblings (pay off their homes and/or student loans).
And then, like many of us I'm sure, I'd start an infertility foundation that gives grants for treatment and medications. :)
4. What helps to pull you out of a bad mood? My baby. Oh, wait. A hot bath, some red wine, dancing, my man, my pets, the usual: things I love.
5. (replaced because dull) If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? My weight. It's a constant battle to control it. I'm *always* "overweight" on the BMI chart. I don't actually mind being at 26-27, but I'd like to be able to stay there without working at it. 28-29 comes all too easily, and then I get mad at myself.
6. If you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your significant other? I went to a science fiction book club with my sister (I was living with her at the time) because she didn't want to go alone, because it would be full of nerd and weirdos and such. Met and married one of them.
7. What kind of books do you read? Contemporary lit, for the most part. Mindless thrillers for vacations, memoirs for when I want to feel like my life isn't as horrible as other people's, and the occasional sci-fi when my husband says it's really, really good.
8. How do you see yourself in 10 years? Working full or part time with 2 kids at the elementary school across the street.
9. What’s your fear? That I'll give birth to a healthy child who dies of SIDS. Seriously, my worst nightmare.
10. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to see outer space? Dude. I can see outer space from my backyard. No way.
11. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up? I'm ashamed to say...take my temperature. Yes, I'm temping on a medicated cycle. I'm an idiot. I know.
12. If you could change one thing about your significant other, what would it be? His sperm count. I love him and I'd rather him with his shit sperm than someone else with little Michael Phelps candidates, but in all honesty, if I had a magic wand, I'd wave it. Fuck IVF, I wish we could do it the old-fashioned way!
13. If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be? Actually, I can already do this. Wanna know why I kept my maiden name? Not for feminist principles, but because I was too damn lazy to get a change of name, and a new social security card, passport, licenses for work and driving, etc. So I'm keeping it.
14. If you had to choose between six months of sun or six months of rain, what would you choose? If I have clean, running water, I'm going sun. If it's a true dry season and I don't have a sink with a faucet and water coming out of it, rain.
15. If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be? So my mind goes right to "what would be best for a pregnancy??" But in all honesty, probably chana saag. I don't think I'd ever get sick of that.
16. What is the thing you enjoy about blogging the most? Being entirely honest about my 'situation' and having wonderful women totally understand!!
17. Do you prefer salty or sweet foods? I really don't know. I mean, I love chocolate. But lots of the foods I really like, like indian and thai foods, tend to be pretty salty. But if the question is, would I rather eat a pile of salt or a pile of sugar, I'll say sugar.
18. What items are in your purse right now? Day planner, pens, tampon, wallet, gum, chapstick, lip gloss. Keys are beside it on the table.
19. If you had to choose between vacationing at the beach or in the mountains where would you go? Umm, I live in Salt Lake. I'm vacationing on the beach, I can walk to the mountains.
20. What do you watch on television that you know you shouldn't? House. It's gone completely down hill but I just can't stop!
------------
FET tomorrow at 2 pm! They should call me "before noon" with my thaw report. And yes, I am nervous. And no, actually, I'm not excited yet. Hoping that changes.
Rule #2: tag 4 people to do this quiz; they cannot refuse (ok, so nothing bad will happen if you don’t participate but I would love to see your answers). The tag-ee must state who tagged them.
Ok., trying to make links here...I was tagged by the lovely Bridget at http://ourstorkgotlost.blogspot.com/
And the four people I'm tagging are:
(1) Ashley at http://onthelanai.blogspot.com/
(2) Lulu at http://closeriam2fine.blogspot.com/
(3) Wonder Woman at http://faithsseed.blogspot.com/
(4) Elphaba at http://eggsandsperm.com/
1. If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals or are they members of your family? Family members, of course! Why else would we have them?? It's not like our house is rat-infested or people try to break in all the time or anything.
2. If you could have a dream come true, what would it be? See, now I know this questionnaire was not written by an infertile. Because, duh. Although I'm going to be greedy: I want two happy, healthy pregnancies that come to fruition exactly on their due dates. I want the children from those pregnancies to have long, healthy, happy lives, and for them to argue over who gets to take me and JimDear in in our old ages.
3. What would you do with a billion dollars? My grandparents bought a condo in Kaua'i in the 1940s. It has an ocean view (rocks, tide-pools...) and is within walking distance of a good beach. We used to go there every 2-3 years. Many of my happiest memories, from toddlerhood till college, are of Hawaii. They are selling it now because they're getting old and their 7 daughters (well, really only 3 of them, but they're ruining everything) cannot agree on a way to share it. It's now worth over a million dollars (!!) It breaks my heart that my children will not get to have such a fun, wonder-filled vacation spot. So, step one, I would buy this condo. And, because I am not an ass, I would share it with my siblings (and cousins).
Then I'd replace our windows. They're from the 1960s and are single-pane. Time to upgrade!
Pay off the house and my husband's car. And our credit card. Put enough in the bank for about 10 more rounds of IVF.
And then help out my siblings (pay off their homes and/or student loans).
And then, like many of us I'm sure, I'd start an infertility foundation that gives grants for treatment and medications. :)
4. What helps to pull you out of a bad mood? My baby. Oh, wait. A hot bath, some red wine, dancing, my man, my pets, the usual: things I love.
5. (replaced because dull) If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? My weight. It's a constant battle to control it. I'm *always* "overweight" on the BMI chart. I don't actually mind being at 26-27, but I'd like to be able to stay there without working at it. 28-29 comes all too easily, and then I get mad at myself.
6. If you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your significant other? I went to a science fiction book club with my sister (I was living with her at the time) because she didn't want to go alone, because it would be full of nerd and weirdos and such. Met and married one of them.
7. What kind of books do you read? Contemporary lit, for the most part. Mindless thrillers for vacations, memoirs for when I want to feel like my life isn't as horrible as other people's, and the occasional sci-fi when my husband says it's really, really good.
8. How do you see yourself in 10 years? Working full or part time with 2 kids at the elementary school across the street.
9. What’s your fear? That I'll give birth to a healthy child who dies of SIDS. Seriously, my worst nightmare.
10. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to see outer space? Dude. I can see outer space from my backyard. No way.
11. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up? I'm ashamed to say...take my temperature. Yes, I'm temping on a medicated cycle. I'm an idiot. I know.
12. If you could change one thing about your significant other, what would it be? His sperm count. I love him and I'd rather him with his shit sperm than someone else with little Michael Phelps candidates, but in all honesty, if I had a magic wand, I'd wave it. Fuck IVF, I wish we could do it the old-fashioned way!
13. If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be? Actually, I can already do this. Wanna know why I kept my maiden name? Not for feminist principles, but because I was too damn lazy to get a change of name, and a new social security card, passport, licenses for work and driving, etc. So I'm keeping it.
14. If you had to choose between six months of sun or six months of rain, what would you choose? If I have clean, running water, I'm going sun. If it's a true dry season and I don't have a sink with a faucet and water coming out of it, rain.
15. If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be? So my mind goes right to "what would be best for a pregnancy??" But in all honesty, probably chana saag. I don't think I'd ever get sick of that.
16. What is the thing you enjoy about blogging the most? Being entirely honest about my 'situation' and having wonderful women totally understand!!
17. Do you prefer salty or sweet foods? I really don't know. I mean, I love chocolate. But lots of the foods I really like, like indian and thai foods, tend to be pretty salty. But if the question is, would I rather eat a pile of salt or a pile of sugar, I'll say sugar.
18. What items are in your purse right now? Day planner, pens, tampon, wallet, gum, chapstick, lip gloss. Keys are beside it on the table.
19. If you had to choose between vacationing at the beach or in the mountains where would you go? Umm, I live in Salt Lake. I'm vacationing on the beach, I can walk to the mountains.
20. What do you watch on television that you know you shouldn't? House. It's gone completely down hill but I just can't stop!
------------
FET tomorrow at 2 pm! They should call me "before noon" with my thaw report. And yes, I am nervous. And no, actually, I'm not excited yet. Hoping that changes.
Friday, February 18, 2011
O Rly?
I think, honestly, that the hardest part of infertility is, for me, the uncertainty. If someone could say to me, "You will have 3 failed IVFs but get a baby on a FET from the third", I would say "ok". If someone could say to me, "No matter what you do or do not do, you will get your baby in exactly ten years", I would scream with impatience and then get on with my life. If someone could say to me, "You will never, ever, ever get pregnant, not with your eggs and embryos, and not with anyone else's either", I would cry and then begin adoption proceedings.
Instead I get "53%" or "40%" or "most women..." or "usually, in such cases..."
All of which means exactly nothing. Or rather, it means that every cycle not on birth control (or Lupron, birth control pill's ugly, wicked step-sister) is plagued by hope and riddled with despair.
Take me, for example. Here is what we know:
My lining is 13.3mm.
My estradiol is 521.
My progesterone is (or was, before I inserted some lovely Crinone) 0.7.
Today is "ovulation day".
I've got 4 frozen embryos. Upon freezing, I had 2 5AA blasts, 1 5BB blast, and one 1BC blast.
Blastocysts frozen with the new vitrification technique, like mine, have about a 90% survival rate.
On Wednesday, February 23rd, my clinic will thaw my 2 best embryos. They will continue thawing until we have 2 that survive, or until we run out.
My clinic has, as of the most recent SART stats, a 41.7% pregnancy rate for women of my age.
I guess we'll see what happens.
Instead I get "53%" or "40%" or "most women..." or "usually, in such cases..."
All of which means exactly nothing. Or rather, it means that every cycle not on birth control (or Lupron, birth control pill's ugly, wicked step-sister) is plagued by hope and riddled with despair.
Take me, for example. Here is what we know:
My lining is 13.3mm.
My estradiol is 521.
My progesterone is (or was, before I inserted some lovely Crinone) 0.7.
Today is "ovulation day".
I've got 4 frozen embryos. Upon freezing, I had 2 5AA blasts, 1 5BB blast, and one 1BC blast.
Blastocysts frozen with the new vitrification technique, like mine, have about a 90% survival rate.
On Wednesday, February 23rd, my clinic will thaw my 2 best embryos. They will continue thawing until we have 2 that survive, or until we run out.
My clinic has, as of the most recent SART stats, a 41.7% pregnancy rate for women of my age.
I guess we'll see what happens.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
O Minus Two: Quiet
I deleted a comment on my last post, calling me a hypocrite for thinking an 11/11/11 due date is "cool for me but not for anyone else". I now wish I hadn't. Obviously, that commenter (who did not have a blog of her own) missed the point. The date is fine. The jealousy and antagonism comes from perfectly fertile people calling fertility doctors and wanting to mess around with their cycles just to have a neat birthday. It also comes from knowing that people will act against the best interests of their baby when November 11th rolls around, and will be inducing when they do not need to (which leads to a much higher need for C-sections, by the way) or scheduling unnecessary C-sections and all that shit. It's because all these people are treating a baby as a novelty when it is my deepest desire, and also because people like this get what they want when I very likely will not. It's because life is fucking unfair and they don't even realize it.
And, frankly, because it trivializes fertility doctors and fertility treatments. Why should insurance cover, say, IVF when it's just used to go about picking favorite due dates? Or PGD when people just use it to pick the gender of their baby (for no medical reason--I have no quarrels with people who have an X-linked defect and so choose to have girls, for example). It's so hard to want acknowledgement for infertility as a horrible, horrible medical condition that deeply affects quality of life when it's constantly catching media attention for things like picking due dates and Octomom and such.
But aside from that, not much is going on.
Hopefully, I "ovulate" on Friday. My temperatures are still down, so OPKs be damned. I hunted all over for digital ones and couldn't find them. I have one left, because I took so many to "double check". I figure I'll use it today. Then...nothing tomorrow. Because if I get a positive tomorrow, it would mean I actually ovulate on Friday (or possibly Saturday) instead of just fake ovulating. Which shouldn't make a difference to my cycle, right? Sure, I could go out and spend another $20 for 7 more stupid tests, but I really don't want to. I'm sick of throwing money at my uterus.
I did ask (I may have posted about this already, I can't remember) my clinic what happens if I got a positive OPK. They said "call us". No, really? They continued to be cagey about it. The most I ever got was "assuming all blood tests and ultrasounds indicate ovulation, you sit down with the doctor and discuss where to go from there".
And it would suck to be cancelled. But on the other hand, it would not suck as hard as my cancelled IVFs. Taking estrogen is nothing. I'm already taking my pre-natal vitamin, baby aspirin, and antidepressant. What's throwing in a few more pills? And I've had hardly any scans. It would mean no baby this time, but...
I didn't expect my IVF to fail. I honestly didn't. When I made it to transfer, I really thought it would work. Well, it didn't. So now, while I'm not all doom-and-gloom, I'm just not at all excited for this FET. Maybe things will change once I transfer. But my RE gave us a 40% chance. Which really is not that great. So...whatever, I guess.
And, frankly, because it trivializes fertility doctors and fertility treatments. Why should insurance cover, say, IVF when it's just used to go about picking favorite due dates? Or PGD when people just use it to pick the gender of their baby (for no medical reason--I have no quarrels with people who have an X-linked defect and so choose to have girls, for example). It's so hard to want acknowledgement for infertility as a horrible, horrible medical condition that deeply affects quality of life when it's constantly catching media attention for things like picking due dates and Octomom and such.
But aside from that, not much is going on.
Hopefully, I "ovulate" on Friday. My temperatures are still down, so OPKs be damned. I hunted all over for digital ones and couldn't find them. I have one left, because I took so many to "double check". I figure I'll use it today. Then...nothing tomorrow. Because if I get a positive tomorrow, it would mean I actually ovulate on Friday (or possibly Saturday) instead of just fake ovulating. Which shouldn't make a difference to my cycle, right? Sure, I could go out and spend another $20 for 7 more stupid tests, but I really don't want to. I'm sick of throwing money at my uterus.
I did ask (I may have posted about this already, I can't remember) my clinic what happens if I got a positive OPK. They said "call us". No, really? They continued to be cagey about it. The most I ever got was "assuming all blood tests and ultrasounds indicate ovulation, you sit down with the doctor and discuss where to go from there".
And it would suck to be cancelled. But on the other hand, it would not suck as hard as my cancelled IVFs. Taking estrogen is nothing. I'm already taking my pre-natal vitamin, baby aspirin, and antidepressant. What's throwing in a few more pills? And I've had hardly any scans. It would mean no baby this time, but...
I didn't expect my IVF to fail. I honestly didn't. When I made it to transfer, I really thought it would work. Well, it didn't. So now, while I'm not all doom-and-gloom, I'm just not at all excited for this FET. Maybe things will change once I transfer. But my RE gave us a 40% chance. Which really is not that great. So...whatever, I guess.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Sometimes Fertiles Piss Me Off
http://www.cnn.com/2011/HEALTH/02/10/ep.conception.truths.myths/index.html?hpt=Sbin
I saw this article on CNN a few days ago. (Hope the link works). It's called "11-11-11: How To Get the Coolest Birthday For Your Baby". It refers to the date as "coveted".
And it makes me mad.
It's also not the only article I've run across telling everyone to go out and have sex NOW so they can get my due date. I feel possessive and also just...UGH. The thought of people intentionally planning their pregnancy around a due date (not just a due month, which honestly I'm ok with, though very jealous of) is just infuriating to me. The thought of women being induced or choosing to schedule their elective C-sections on 11/11/11 makes me want to tear my hair out. I hate elective induction and elective C-sections anyway, but thinking of all these babies being born a week or so before they're ready just for a little nifty line to fill out on forms makes me furious.
I think part of it, of course, is knowing that I'll be hearing all about these 11/11/11 babies come November...and that I might not have one. And while some of those babies' parents might have worked as hard, or harder, than I have to get to that point, because of articles like this, they will all seem like stupid, silly, fertile, ungrateful, idiots who stole my due date. Hearing about this, if I'm not pregnant (or already successfully, happily delivered), will ruin my whole month.
And also, it's Veteran's Day. So, you know, it just seems kind of wrong to turn it into this huge "ooh, neato" thing. Accidentally, sure, that's fine. But intentionally, just...no.
But mainly I think I'm jealous as fuck. That people can do this, or even think they can do this. And even, when it comes right down to it, that their babies come from sex, instead of, say, numerous injections, scans, blood draws, tens of thousands of dollars, multiple failures, time in a freezer, pills swallowed and gels inserted, oh, you know, three failed IVF rounds and hopefully a successful FET.
Look, I'm not an idiot. I know that my due date means nothing. It's an "on or around" with emphasis on 'around', especially if I am lucky enough to have twins. Hell, I'm still not counting October out. But for some reason, one I can't really put my finger on, I'm really bothered by people setting out to get 'my' due date, just for the hell of it.
In the meantime, I'm waiting to pee on an OPK, because I may or may not have gotten a positive earlier. I suck at interpreting them. It never used to matter, because I didn't do IUI (the sperm, they are not strong, shapely, or plentiful enough, alas), so I'd just be like "eh, close enough, let's have sex till my temp rises". (Or, well, whatever timing kick I was on that month.) Now suddenly it actually matters and I have no idea if the line was as dark. I'm on Cycle Day 11, so probably not...but ugh.
So yeah, I hate people for stealing the due date I may not even have.
I saw this article on CNN a few days ago. (Hope the link works). It's called "11-11-11: How To Get the Coolest Birthday For Your Baby". It refers to the date as "coveted".
And it makes me mad.
It's also not the only article I've run across telling everyone to go out and have sex NOW so they can get my due date. I feel possessive and also just...UGH. The thought of people intentionally planning their pregnancy around a due date (not just a due month, which honestly I'm ok with, though very jealous of) is just infuriating to me. The thought of women being induced or choosing to schedule their elective C-sections on 11/11/11 makes me want to tear my hair out. I hate elective induction and elective C-sections anyway, but thinking of all these babies being born a week or so before they're ready just for a little nifty line to fill out on forms makes me furious.
I think part of it, of course, is knowing that I'll be hearing all about these 11/11/11 babies come November...and that I might not have one. And while some of those babies' parents might have worked as hard, or harder, than I have to get to that point, because of articles like this, they will all seem like stupid, silly, fertile, ungrateful, idiots who stole my due date. Hearing about this, if I'm not pregnant (or already successfully, happily delivered), will ruin my whole month.
And also, it's Veteran's Day. So, you know, it just seems kind of wrong to turn it into this huge "ooh, neato" thing. Accidentally, sure, that's fine. But intentionally, just...no.
But mainly I think I'm jealous as fuck. That people can do this, or even think they can do this. And even, when it comes right down to it, that their babies come from sex, instead of, say, numerous injections, scans, blood draws, tens of thousands of dollars, multiple failures, time in a freezer, pills swallowed and gels inserted, oh, you know, three failed IVF rounds and hopefully a successful FET.
Look, I'm not an idiot. I know that my due date means nothing. It's an "on or around" with emphasis on 'around', especially if I am lucky enough to have twins. Hell, I'm still not counting October out. But for some reason, one I can't really put my finger on, I'm really bothered by people setting out to get 'my' due date, just for the hell of it.
In the meantime, I'm waiting to pee on an OPK, because I may or may not have gotten a positive earlier. I suck at interpreting them. It never used to matter, because I didn't do IUI (the sperm, they are not strong, shapely, or plentiful enough, alas), so I'd just be like "eh, close enough, let's have sex till my temp rises". (Or, well, whatever timing kick I was on that month.) Now suddenly it actually matters and I have no idea if the line was as dark. I'm on Cycle Day 11, so probably not...but ugh.
So yeah, I hate people for stealing the due date I may not even have.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
(e)T minus 15 days
Well, my estrogen was 305 at my blood draw this morning. The nurse said that was "fabulous". I have to confess: I have no idea. I mean, I know I want some estrogen, to grow my lining. But since I'm not actually growing follicles to ovulate (the other purpose of this estrogen regime is to prevent ovulation...), doesn't that just kind of mean, like...I am, in fact, swallowing my pills?
But hey, I'll take anything "fabulous". Now I starting peeing on OPKs and keep doing that till the 18th.
I have to say...FETs are kinda boring.
But hey, I'll take anything "fabulous". Now I starting peeing on OPKs and keep doing that till the 18th.
I have to say...FETs are kinda boring.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Dating
I was going to write a huge ranty post about how my clinic is staffed by idiots--idiots who ran the wrong blood test on me on Friday and didn't catch the error until I called (at 4:30pm, after an 8am blood draw) to ask if I was cleared to start my estrogen or not, idiots who told me "but you came in yesterday" when they couldn't even find my blood results, leading to me saying "No, I was in on Wednesday for my failed beta and FET start, and my p4 was too high, so you made me come in again today to test it", idiots who made me get another draw after work to confirm what they had to already know, which is that a p4 of 2.7 went down (to 0.8) once I stopped the stupid Crinone, and let's not even discuss how these idiots still haven't even gotten me to sign all the consent forms, despite me asking each time I'm there if there are any other forms, and then they call me 15 min-5 hours later to say "oh, oops, we didn't sign X and hubby needs to sign it too", idiots who call my husband "hubby"--but I'm trying to let it all go.
I want this cycle to be nice, hippy, positive-thinking, laughing-at-clowns (I wish I knew how to make links!! I'm sure most of you know about the clown study, but it would be neat to link it), etc. Especially since they wait till 17DPO for beta, and my frozen-on-day-6 embryos only count as Day 5.
But hey, it'll all be worth it, right?
Especially because my cycle will go perfectly, my embryos will turn into well-behaved fetuses, who, like their mother, are always exactly on time. Which is to say, I will be delivering my babies on...
11/11/11
Ok, that's fucking cool. Even if it doesn't happen, that will have been my due date.
I'm currently on oral estrogen. I take 3mg in the morning and 3mg at night. I stay on my baby aspirin this whole cycle.
I've got a blood check (e2) on 2/8. Hopefully, I will sign the last of my consents then.
I start OPKs (I thought I was done with them, but I still have 3 left over, but I can't believe I'm going to go throw more money at them...and that I want a negative!) on 2/9. They don't want me ovulating on my lonesome, because if I do, they'd have to transfer my embryos over President's Day Weekend and they don't want to (I'm assuming).
I have a lining check and e2 and p4 check on 2/18. I'm sure my lining will be nice and plump, since it loves doing that (to make my post-OB-tampon world all the more hellish...). If all is well, I start Crinone that day.
My transfer is 2/23. I start Crinone twice daily. Crinone is expensive as fuck, so I'm not looking forward to this. My clinic hates PIO though, and I hated, hated, hated the Endometrin samples they gave me when I asked to switch off of Crinone during my IVF.
They will thaw both my AAs. If they both survive, we will transfer both. If not, we go down to the BB, and then to the BC. I'm very glad I transferred two last cycle, after all my debating. This way I know I did all I could and can forgive myself for that. I plan on continuing that cycle. I also now have decided (again) that I want twins, because I want both of those lovely 5AAs to feel welcome, wanted, and grow into adorable little toddlers that make me want to tear my hair out.
My beta is 3/7.
And yes, I will test again. I have no trigger, so I plan on testing starting 5 days after my transfer. I know some of you will think I'm crazy, but I feel like my resilience and non-crippling depression from last cycle is in large part due to my gradual let-down (with a small nod going to my beloved Lexapro).
And then I have ultrasounds!!! Because it will be a positive! And then, at 10 weeks post-transfer, I stop the estrogen and Crinone, and my husband stops selling his plasma to afford the damn Crinone.
I want this cycle to be nice, hippy, positive-thinking, laughing-at-clowns (I wish I knew how to make links!! I'm sure most of you know about the clown study, but it would be neat to link it), etc. Especially since they wait till 17DPO for beta, and my frozen-on-day-6 embryos only count as Day 5.
But hey, it'll all be worth it, right?
Especially because my cycle will go perfectly, my embryos will turn into well-behaved fetuses, who, like their mother, are always exactly on time. Which is to say, I will be delivering my babies on...
11/11/11
Ok, that's fucking cool. Even if it doesn't happen, that will have been my due date.
I'm currently on oral estrogen. I take 3mg in the morning and 3mg at night. I stay on my baby aspirin this whole cycle.
I've got a blood check (e2) on 2/8. Hopefully, I will sign the last of my consents then.
I start OPKs (I thought I was done with them, but I still have 3 left over, but I can't believe I'm going to go throw more money at them...and that I want a negative!) on 2/9. They don't want me ovulating on my lonesome, because if I do, they'd have to transfer my embryos over President's Day Weekend and they don't want to (I'm assuming).
I have a lining check and e2 and p4 check on 2/18. I'm sure my lining will be nice and plump, since it loves doing that (to make my post-OB-tampon world all the more hellish...). If all is well, I start Crinone that day.
My transfer is 2/23. I start Crinone twice daily. Crinone is expensive as fuck, so I'm not looking forward to this. My clinic hates PIO though, and I hated, hated, hated the Endometrin samples they gave me when I asked to switch off of Crinone during my IVF.
They will thaw both my AAs. If they both survive, we will transfer both. If not, we go down to the BB, and then to the BC. I'm very glad I transferred two last cycle, after all my debating. This way I know I did all I could and can forgive myself for that. I plan on continuing that cycle. I also now have decided (again) that I want twins, because I want both of those lovely 5AAs to feel welcome, wanted, and grow into adorable little toddlers that make me want to tear my hair out.
My beta is 3/7.
And yes, I will test again. I have no trigger, so I plan on testing starting 5 days after my transfer. I know some of you will think I'm crazy, but I feel like my resilience and non-crippling depression from last cycle is in large part due to my gradual let-down (with a small nod going to my beloved Lexapro).
And then I have ultrasounds!!! Because it will be a positive! And then, at 10 weeks post-transfer, I stop the estrogen and Crinone, and my husband stops selling his plasma to afford the damn Crinone.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Cycle Day One: Moving On
My beta, as expected, was negative. "Less than 0.5". Hardly a surprise, since my lining had gone from 14mm at transfer to 8.5mm, with probably about 0.5mm on the dildo.
Why yes, I was getting another scan.
I spent Sunday, Monday, and most of Tuesday grieving. I called them my "rage days". I was free to be as angry as I wanted, at whomever I wanted, without feeling any guilt. (I obviously could not act on this anger, as being a convicted felon is probably not a good thing to have on my record if we move on to adoption at some point...) I cried an awful lot. I kept inserting my Crinone and didn't drink wine or take a hot bath. I burned my protocol, retrieval, and post-transfer instructions. I ate a lot of ice-cream, even though it's only 7 degrees outside. And I had several conversations with my husband, and we reached two decisions:
#1. I will not be doing another fresh cycle with this clinic. It's not the BFN. That totally fucking sucks, don't get me wrong. But it was very likely caused by chromosomal anomalies. My eggs, his sperm, and the incorrect amounts of DNA. It happens. I had 15 mature eggs, 12 fertilized, 10 embryos made it to Day 5. I really can't point a finger at them.
No, what made us decide "no more fresh IVFs" was a combination of:
(a) They tried to suppress my with Lupron twice, with disastrous results. Once, sure, that's the standard. A second time, maybe. But then they wanted my third cycle to be another long Lupron. I was the one, with knowledge from the Internet, to bring up an antagonist protocol. I was the one to put my foot down on another round of Lupron, even while the doctor was telling me that it was the Lupron flare that caused my cysts and stimmed me. So why on earth did they want to use it for suppression again? I have no problem with being my own advocate, but doesn't it seem wrong that they didn't even broach the subject of alternative protocols at this point?
(b) My cyst should have been drained in November. That monster was 7cm. That's HUGE! My emotional desire to stim I can see them dismissing, but really, a cyst larger than my uterus, so large they put me on pelvic rest...and they didn't even bring up aspiration? I did, a week later, but they just brushed me off. Then in January, I was told I had three choices: Lupron to shrink it (WHAT?), more wait-and-see, or drain. It shouldn't have lasted that long, and them bringing up Lupron again is just... *shudder*
(c) My beta. There is no reason they couldn't have done it on Monday. I understand they want to spare us the pain of a chemical pregnancy, but I wanted to have it over and done with. It was obviously negative. If they didn't think a beta that early was included in my flat-fee, they should have let me just pay to have it done and then done it again on 17DPO per their wishes. Having to keep taking progesterone, to not being able to fully kill off Hope, to no drinking/bathing/sexing during that time...it was just cruel.
So in short, my clinic is very good at handling things when they go well, but not very good at handling things when they're going very poorly, and they suck on the emotional comfort front. So...no more fresh cycles there.
But, on a happier front:
#2 I want to do a frozen embryo transfer (FET) right away. I called the nurse last evening, and was given the exact same "you know, I don't want to give you false hope, but in 20% of pregnancies...." spiel. I listened politely and then said, "I'm sorry, but that is false hope. I am getting negative pregnancy tests at 15 days past what is considered ovulation. The tests have a sensitivity of 25. You want my beta to be over 100. It would have to more than quadruple overnight. Clearly, that is not happening. But that's not the point. I want to do a frozen embryo transfer right away, this very month." She had the doctor call me back. He gave me a tentative ok, pending blood work and a lining check.
Well, my e2 is at 36. My p4 is at 2.7, but that is very likely from the Crinone. And my lining is down to 8.5mm, from 14mm at transfer. ("Light bleeding is common" my ass. That dildo-probe saw nothing 'light' about the bleeding, let me tell you.)
My doctor suggested I take a month off, for my "emotional health". That was a no-go for me. Look, I can't "take a month off" from infertility. I would spend that entire month depressed, micro-analyzing this last cycle, stressed out, counting on my fingers, hating life, wanting to put birth control in the water of every woman I know, you know, the usual.
Feeling like I'm doing something is much healthier for me. I didn't even cry today when the stupid tech wished me luck on my beta. I was joking with the receptionist while I waited. Doing something is really the only way I feel good.
So yeah, I put $2600 on my credit card and walked out with a calender and scripts for estrogen (which my insurance covers!) and more god-awful Crinone. Let's get a baby inside me. Now.
Or on Feb 23rd, I'll take that.
Why yes, I was getting another scan.
I spent Sunday, Monday, and most of Tuesday grieving. I called them my "rage days". I was free to be as angry as I wanted, at whomever I wanted, without feeling any guilt. (I obviously could not act on this anger, as being a convicted felon is probably not a good thing to have on my record if we move on to adoption at some point...) I cried an awful lot. I kept inserting my Crinone and didn't drink wine or take a hot bath. I burned my protocol, retrieval, and post-transfer instructions. I ate a lot of ice-cream, even though it's only 7 degrees outside. And I had several conversations with my husband, and we reached two decisions:
#1. I will not be doing another fresh cycle with this clinic. It's not the BFN. That totally fucking sucks, don't get me wrong. But it was very likely caused by chromosomal anomalies. My eggs, his sperm, and the incorrect amounts of DNA. It happens. I had 15 mature eggs, 12 fertilized, 10 embryos made it to Day 5. I really can't point a finger at them.
No, what made us decide "no more fresh IVFs" was a combination of:
(a) They tried to suppress my with Lupron twice, with disastrous results. Once, sure, that's the standard. A second time, maybe. But then they wanted my third cycle to be another long Lupron. I was the one, with knowledge from the Internet, to bring up an antagonist protocol. I was the one to put my foot down on another round of Lupron, even while the doctor was telling me that it was the Lupron flare that caused my cysts and stimmed me. So why on earth did they want to use it for suppression again? I have no problem with being my own advocate, but doesn't it seem wrong that they didn't even broach the subject of alternative protocols at this point?
(b) My cyst should have been drained in November. That monster was 7cm. That's HUGE! My emotional desire to stim I can see them dismissing, but really, a cyst larger than my uterus, so large they put me on pelvic rest...and they didn't even bring up aspiration? I did, a week later, but they just brushed me off. Then in January, I was told I had three choices: Lupron to shrink it (WHAT?), more wait-and-see, or drain. It shouldn't have lasted that long, and them bringing up Lupron again is just... *shudder*
(c) My beta. There is no reason they couldn't have done it on Monday. I understand they want to spare us the pain of a chemical pregnancy, but I wanted to have it over and done with. It was obviously negative. If they didn't think a beta that early was included in my flat-fee, they should have let me just pay to have it done and then done it again on 17DPO per their wishes. Having to keep taking progesterone, to not being able to fully kill off Hope, to no drinking/bathing/sexing during that time...it was just cruel.
So in short, my clinic is very good at handling things when they go well, but not very good at handling things when they're going very poorly, and they suck on the emotional comfort front. So...no more fresh cycles there.
But, on a happier front:
#2 I want to do a frozen embryo transfer (FET) right away. I called the nurse last evening, and was given the exact same "you know, I don't want to give you false hope, but in 20% of pregnancies...." spiel. I listened politely and then said, "I'm sorry, but that is false hope. I am getting negative pregnancy tests at 15 days past what is considered ovulation. The tests have a sensitivity of 25. You want my beta to be over 100. It would have to more than quadruple overnight. Clearly, that is not happening. But that's not the point. I want to do a frozen embryo transfer right away, this very month." She had the doctor call me back. He gave me a tentative ok, pending blood work and a lining check.
Well, my e2 is at 36. My p4 is at 2.7, but that is very likely from the Crinone. And my lining is down to 8.5mm, from 14mm at transfer. ("Light bleeding is common" my ass. That dildo-probe saw nothing 'light' about the bleeding, let me tell you.)
My doctor suggested I take a month off, for my "emotional health". That was a no-go for me. Look, I can't "take a month off" from infertility. I would spend that entire month depressed, micro-analyzing this last cycle, stressed out, counting on my fingers, hating life, wanting to put birth control in the water of every woman I know, you know, the usual.
Feeling like I'm doing something is much healthier for me. I didn't even cry today when the stupid tech wished me luck on my beta. I was joking with the receptionist while I waited. Doing something is really the only way I feel good.
So yeah, I put $2600 on my credit card and walked out with a calender and scripts for estrogen (which my insurance covers!) and more god-awful Crinone. Let's get a baby inside me. Now.
Or on Feb 23rd, I'll take that.
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