Comment Discussion

This is a prompt from Promt-ly. If you're not members, you might want to consider it.

Anyway, the question was asked: Would you prefer to respond to each comment [on your own blog, in your own comment section]? Or would you rather go to others' blogs and comment there?

Also: do you prefer NOT to respond to comments (including going over
to a commenter's blog)? And if so, why?

And here was my response:

First and foremost and DRIVING ME NUTS is that I blog with Blogger. It
has developed some sort of glitch over the past couple of months where
it only lets me comment on certain types of blogs. So fellow Blogger
bloggers who don't allow anonymous comments and who don't have the pop-
up window option aren't getting any comments from me. And it's not
that I don't want to, it's that Blogger won't let me. I've ranted
about this a few times in my blog and filed a complaint with Blogger,
but yeah.

Second, and this may be a bit controversial, is that sometimes I'm in
a place where I can't comment on parenting or pregnancy blogs. After
my miscarriage, I received numerous comments of support and love, but
it took me almost 2 months to be able to respond to pregnant bloggers,
especially those who had gotten pregnant around when I did. I could
barely read their blogs and commenting felt so disingenuous that I
just couldn't. I'll sometimes go a few days after a BFN in a similar
place.

When things are going smoothly, I comment on almost every post I read.
(If I'm away from my computer for a few days and a blogger has written
multiple posts, I usually only comment on the most recent, unless one
of the other ones really "moves" me.) When I see a new name on my
comments, I go check them out, and follow them if I feel I can relate
to them or really like their most recent posts or whatever.

Oh, and also, I stopped doing ICLW because it was too stressful--I
always tried to leave GOOD, thoughtful comments, which take time. And
then my blog was flooded with people trying to make Iron Commenter or
whatever, with comments that made it seem like they hadn't even read
my whole post. I still scan the list for blogs to check out (it shows
they're current, unlike the blog role which has zillions of no-longer-
active blogs in it), but I don't add my name anymore. I always go back
and forth on this inside my head though, because I don't want to
isolate myself from the community.

Sooooooooo, what are your thoughts? Comment on my blog or write your own post, or keep them all to yourself. :)

4w0d: It's Not Like Last Time

I wish I could just copy and past my blogs from the early part of my last pregnancy. I was so happy. Please don't get me wrong--I'm exceedingly happy this time as well. But it's different.

I think, last time, I didn't fully get it. I remember, at times, feeling like I was playing one big game of "Let's Pretend IVF Works!" I was pregnant, I called my doctor-sister and my mommy almost right away, I told my whole family and we all hugged, I was tickled pink the first time I puked, I went into maternity stores (and even bought a new bra and a maternity shirt) and tried on clothes with the fake belly. I was walking on air, and even my RE's concern about my betas couldn't dampen it. And once I saw that it was intrauterine, forget it. There was no way in hell i was coming off of my cloud.

Of course, I was terrified of miscarrying. I don't think you can hang around the ALI community and not be. An old high school friend of mine announced her pregnancy on Facebook. She was due 2 days before me (and has 4 previous children...), and I was like, "Wow, isn't she afraid of putting that out there?" This I said to my best friend. Whom I'd told right away, of course. I mean, I was scared. But either I didn't truly get it, or I just didn't actually really truly think it would happen to me.

I did not look at the ultrasound screen and think, "please, don't turn it off yet, this may be the last time I see my baby." No, I thought, "I can't wait to see him grow!" I got nervous sometimes reading my pregnancy book, but I never thought, "I will never make it to the third trimester section, may as well just rip that right out." I worried about managing the birth, school, and work. I never worried about taking a week off work so I could wait to miscarry at home. I was timid, but overly hopeful. I would never have said, "miscarriages happen to other women, not me", but I also never would have said, "This pregnancy will end in tears, way, way, way too early."

This time...I am very cognisant of all of that. I don't want a second beta because I don't want any bad news. There's nothing we could do anyway. (My RE did recommend increasing my progesterone, and I am. Despite my insurance deciding not to cover progesterone after all. I'm fucking pissed about that, by the way, and furious. And we're so short on money right now that the damn Crinone might just break our credit card. Fuck. Anyway...)

The point is, my first thought is not "I can't wait to see the doubling time!" It's "I just don't even want to know, nothing good will come of knowing." I'm not looking forward to our ultrasound even though I'm dying to know if it's one or two. I'm not even sure we'll make it to the ultrasound, frankly.

In pharmacology class on Thursday, we were studying medications for hypertension and certain cardiac conditions. At one point, the professor asked, "And what happens to a pregnant woman?" (meaning, of course, things like increased blood flow, increased cardiac demand, etc.) A smart-assed guy (whom I'm actually rather fond of), goes "Well she gives birth to a baby."

Everyone laughed, but my very first response was, "Not always."

Not always??? For fuck's sake. I was sitting in class, pregnant. And my first thought is, "No, pregnant women don't necessarily give birth."

I wish that wasn't what I thought. I wish I'd thought something like, "I can't wait!" or "Maybe it's two!" or "We need to buy a crib" or anything remotely normal.

I realize anyone who's not pregnant right now and is reading this probably wants to smack me over the head, because don't I know how lucky I am and shut the fuck up already.

And that, I think, is the problem. Last time, it never quite sunk in. I didn't fully realize how much I loved my baby, and thus how much it would hurt to lose him. I could imagine everything about motherhood except the failure to fully achieve that status. But this time, oh god, this time I know. I love my baby (my babies?) more than anything. I would cut off my arms to keep them. I cannot fathom breathing without them. And it's wonderful, but also terrifying. I love them so much and I cannot keep them safe. I can try, but I can't do everything. I cannot reach inside and rearrange their chromosomes, 23 matching pairs, please. I cannot control my blood flow, or the development of their tiny placenta(s). I'm so powerless. I know everything I have to lose, and that makes enjoying every moment with what I have somewhat bittersweet.

Ignorance truly is bliss, and I want it back.

3w6d: Not so calm, but hell, I'll take it

Ok, so after writing that blog entry and having a nice evening, I started spotting. Of course.

My laissez-faire attitude went right out the fucking window as I called, in short-order: my clinic, the pharmacy, and my doctor-sister.

It was, of course, 11 pm. I left messages with the clinic, ("Hi, I'm pregnant, I know it's early, but I'm spotting and I cannot lose this baby. I would like to come in for progesterone and estrogen checks. Please call me back."), the pharmacy, ("Hello, this is [me], born [here], phone [this], I need a refill on my estradiol, I'm on a generic for estrace, at 1 mg pills with 3 in the morning and 3 at night, once again, this is [me]..."), and talked to my sister, ("Hi, I'm pregnant but I'm spotting and this CANNOT HAPPEN. Please, what can I do?")

My sister put me on pelvic rest, making me feel like a cheap whore for having sex in the first place. She mentioned that 30% of perfectly normal pregnancies have spotting or bleeding in the first trimester. She told me I could be very, very fine. She told me not to put anything besides the Crinone into my vagina. She didn't think I should go on alpha-blockers (what? I learned in school we have alpha-1 receptors in our uterus, especially when pregnant!) or any other muscle relaxant. She thought supplementing e2 was probably unnecessary. She thought if I was going to lose it, I'd lose it regardless.

So of course, I swallowed a handful of estrogen. I do not recommend you do as I do, but I've been known to have pretty low e2 levels. And I know low e2 can cause bleeding, and I did a fresh cycle so who knows what my ovaries are doing anyway?

This morning, the spotting had stopped. (I credit the e2 and extra Crinone I shoved up there.) My clinic called me and said they'd do a beta and a p4, but not an e2. (Which is fine, I'll just keep supplementing away, and yes, I'll tell them that.)

They just called with my levels:

Beta=106 at 13DPO
p4=9.6

I'm increasing my progesterone, opted out of a repeat beta (they won't make me, since all they want is a level of 100+ at 17DPO, and I'm already there), and scheduled an ultrasound for July 5th.

So...can I relax again? Please?

My Husband's Cat Has Something to Say...

My husband was making up the shopping list. I asked him to put crystalized ginger on it. He gave me a look. I explained that I've had twinges of nausea already, and that it will only get worse from here.

He got all awkward. He told me he's superstitious about this pregnancy. He doesn't want to buy the ginger, because I ate ginger last time, miscarried, and had some leftover and it was sad.

I understand where he's coming from. I do. As much as I'm carpe-ing this diem, I've got my fair share of fears. But...we need this. We acheived this pregnancy through blood, sweat, and tears. Lots and lots and lots of all three. And lots of money too. God damn it if we're not going to enjoy it.

He still wasn't convinced. I yanked out my old pregnancy tests and lined them up with my new ones. Today is between my last 15 and 16. And I'm only at 12. That pregnancy was wrong from the beginning, as sad as it is to say. This one...probably not. That's not a guaruntee, but it's an improvement.

He still was not convinced. So, I took my one and only digital. I'd peed less than an hour before, and I'm only 12DPO. And it came up in less than a minute. (As opposed to the 3 minutes it might take, and the agonizing wait it took for my last digital, also at 12DPO.)

I took a picture of it next to his cat. (Pretty much everything about this cat is an inside joke between us. It's not funny, so I won't explain it, but yeah, this cat is beyond dumb, and even he thinks I'm pregnant is the drift.)


So, here we go: pregnancy as confirmed by Sasquatch:

3w4d: What's My Line, Anyway?

After a probable chemical last cycle and my heart-breaking miscarriage, it's hard not to be obsessed.

I'm sure you're all dying to know this, but my test this morning is as dark as my BFP=miscarriage test at 14DPO. And I'm only 11 DPO. And, see, I almost didn't even use my urine this morning because it was so pale (I'm thirsty and it finally got HOT here...), and also I don't know when I last peed in the night.

I'm sure you all know how it is.

I am trying to take this pregnancy with nothing but joy and hope. I'm trying to banish all doubts to the end of this world. I mean, want to know why I don't know when I peed? Because I woke my husband up for sex sometime in the middle of the night, peed afterwards, and went to bed.

That's right--I had sex. GASP!!! (Although, not to be too graphic, but when he made the move for oral I had to stop him in his tracks lest he end up with a mouthful of Crinone. Because I'm sexy and all, but that just might be a mood-killer.) I'm trying to increase my protein and iron in-take (I'm a vegetarian, and I sometimes get lax on this), but I'm not running to Google everything I put in my mouth. I'm exercising, walking outside on hot days, taking whatever temperature of shower I feel like, having sex, painting my toenails...living like a perfectly normal person.

A perfectly normal insanely busy person, but still.

I haven't really blogged about this, but I'm not talking to much of my family. I had another conversation with my mother following the sister-in-law-is-pregnant-but-it's-a-secret-from-you conversation. In it, I tried to explain to her why family gatherings are so difficult--primarily because everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, is centered around my niece. And how that is never, ever going to end, with another baby on the way, and my older sister likely to be knocked up (she might already be, for all I know) soon, etc.

My mother said, in these exact words: "Of course everything is about [niece's name]. That's just how it is when there's a baby."

Well, no shit.

I asked her if maybe, just for one of the family gatherings, we could ask them to get a babysitter. Let me state that family gatherings are not rare. We have, in chronological order: January birthdays (my husband, my niece), grandparent's birthdays, Easter, May birthdays (step brother, step sister, brother-in-law), Mother's Day, Father's Day, July birthdays (sister, step-sister-in-law, brother's long-term girlfriend), August birthdays (mom), October birthdays (me, brother, sister, step-sister), Thanksgiving, step-father's birthday, Christmas-with-grandparents, Christmas Eve, Christmas. This does not include things like "sister is in town", "celebrate random thing", etc. I was asking for one grown-ups only holiday a year.

I was flatly turned down. I was told that, under no circumstances, would a member of our family be made to feel unwanted.

I hate to sound like a bitch, but...my step-brother and his wife have TWO other families (his mom's, hers). JimDear and I do not. We don't even really have his family (I haven't seen them since our wedding, he's seen them once. No hard feelings, just not close at all). I don't feel like asking for a single holiday where I felt welcomed and wanted and not shunned and isolated was unreasonable. Especially since it could have been any of them, including my own birthday.

My mother also informed me that I was "making this whole thing into a tragedy". This whole thing being our miscarriage and infertility.

I told her I needed some space before talking to her again.

And I haven't talked to her since. I also haven't spoken to my older sister. She never did answer my email, and she too was in on the whole secret-keeping thing. And I haven't spoken to my sister-in-law, because...she told me that she wanted to enjoy the happiness of her pregnancy and not worry about my feelings. I don't want her to not enjoy her pregnancy, but...seriously? I've never asked her for anything, and I thought she understood where I was at, but I guess not. Not if she thinks even telling me about her pregnancy would rob her of all the joy she could ever get out of it. And I sent my step-brother a congratulations text message and he never said thank you and hasn't spoken to me since, so...

Basically, I am only talking to my brother and my out-of-state sister. I am doing a Father's Day-ish dinner with my step-dad and husband next week. We'll see.

I don't know how I got onto all this.

I think I wanted to say something like, I haven't told any of my family and don't know when I will. They'll expect me to be "cured", and they have hurt my feelings so badly recently that I don't even want to deal with them. It's petty, but I know my mom wants to go to all my ultrasounds with me, and I don't want to share ANY of that with her. I feel like saying, "Go with [sister-in-law], since her feelings are more important to you than mine," or "go with [sister] when she gets pregnant, neither of you will know what you're looking at anyway".

I am selfish about this pregnancy. I have told a friend, just one. I'm going to keep it that way.

And in the meantime, I'm trying to live like a normal person. Not over-analyzing anything. Just being happy. Enjoying all the time I get with this baby.

I'm Pregnant

Really, I am.

The line is there, dark (as dark as my one from 11DPO last time, why yes I compared!), and...there.

This may all end in tears. Given our history, it's likely. We're not telling a single soul (except the whole internet, of course) until after a heart beat, probably until the 2nd trimester even.

But for now, for me and my husband, this is a celebration.

His DNA, my DNA, and a little help from an RE and an embryologist, and we've got an embryo (at least). Healthy enough to implant itself into my uterus. Healthy enough to make HCG. This is a huge accomplishment for us. We need to enjoy this.

Please, please, please, let our little embryo(s) be healthy enough to become a real, live baby.

4dp3dt: Have I Mentioned I'm An Idiot?

Because I am.

But it's Father's Day and we had a long talk last night about what to do next and donor sperm and all (again...) and I held on to my resolve until half an hour ago.

And then I peed on a Magic 8 Ball.

(By which I mean an internet cheapie.)

Very very very faint line. Worst possible outcome, because it's so faint it could be trigger, or the start of something, and I'll never know! (Until, like tomorrow. Or even the next day!)

7DPO is totally early. Oh my lord, do I know this.

But inside this rational scientist who knows a shit-ton about early embryonic development lurks a doe-eyed, hopelessly optimistic simpering fool. She fills my head with thoughts like:

But what if it's twins? Triplets! What if they hatched on Day 5? My embryos have done that before. Maybe even 4.5, it's not like they check them on Day 4 in the lab anyway. And they were in the uterus already, no tubes to deal with, just attach and squirm on in. Also, a friend gave me a really good tarot card reading yesterday (hahahaha, I know, right? I'm grasping at all my straws here, but it had the Empress *and* the Queen of Cups!), and besides, fourth time's the charm.

I'm hoping it's a baby-line.

My husband is amazed I waited this long to test (see, he knows me!) and is taking his Father's Day look-at-this-really-hard-see-it's-right-there gift with hope, but for some reason, hasn't called his parents and told them they'll be grandparents just yet.

3dp3dt: Blast off!

Well, the good news is, my little embryo made it to blast. Bless its little "fair minus" heart. It's a 5CC, which is the bad news. My clinic won't freeze unless the inner-cellular mass is graded at a B or better.

But this is more than I expected from this little guy. It shows that, despite our baffling fert report, my eggs (which control the early part of development) are still good. Even if the DNA inside them is crap, my embryos make it to blast. They just do. Which means the ones inside me probably did as well. It's up to them, now, for their DNA to take over and do its thing.

I hope one of them is normal. Please, let one of them be my baby.

2dp3dt: Huh, never written that before

I've been having cramping ever since transfer. I'm hopeful. My RE actually said he likes cramping because it "spreads the embryos out", so they're not competing for the same spot.

I should hear about my embryo tomorrow. I was told that if it wasn't a high-quality blast by Day 6, they'd toss it. I assume they don't want to disturb it before then. I don't have much hope for it, so I really won't be crushed. I think, even if it did make it, we'd try one more fresh with my husband's sperm, and any frozens we get, tossing the one in later.

I'll probably start testing on 8DPO. I need to dig out my last fresh chart--I think my trigger was gone at 6 DPO? Don't want to catch that by mistake.

My clinic wants me in at 17DPO for a beta, but because the nurses were so busy, they didn't schedule it after my transfer. I have thoughts about sneaking in earlier, but I'm not sure. 15DPO is a Monday, which really sucks for me, schedule-wise. They don't like to do betas on Sunday, so i might actually be doing it Tuesday afternoon (16DPO). I guess I'm not as stressed about it as I've been in the past--I know when it's neg (and feel no guilt at stopping meds at 15DPO...), and when i had my positive, I learned that betas don't really mean much--it's all about the ultrasound anyway, good or bad.

On a side note, I've learned about a few different ways of selecting sperm, like PICSI and IMSI. I think, if we don't go donor, we'll be traveling to a strange new clinic, probably out of state. (I wonder if any of them take egg donors over 30? Because seriously, stellar genes right here, yours for the cost of an IVF!) It might be time to slow down and explore our options a bit.

Of course, I might be the warning-story of the woman who got pregnant with sextuplets because all three of her ugly embryos identical twinned and implanted. Apparently, you never know with IVF...

(Almost) All Aboard!

We had an 8-cell "good minus", a 7-cell fair, a 6-cell fair, and a 6-cell "fair minus".

(Which is better than the honest-to-god dream I had of having 2 3-cell, 1 2-cell, and one dead embryo. Needless to say, I did not sleep well last night.)

It was actually my RE's suggestion and recommendation to transfer the best 3, so I did. We're growing out the last to freeze, but none of us are hopeful. This was my first transfer without my husband (he couldn't get off work), but it wasn't bad. Some cramping, but nothing too painful.

No real answers on the awful fert rate. We had four (?!?!) 3PN and the rest showing no signs of fertilization. WTF.

Considering transferring 3

I'll just throw this out there:

Pretty much since I got the call, I've been consumed with the notion of transferring 3. My RE will hate it. I know that. But come on--my 12 embryos from my last fresh cycle resulted in ZERO babies. Zero.

I've only got 4. The chances of one of them being pretty sucky seem good. So why not put back the three best? I don't think we're really "risking" triplets. I just can't imagine 3 embryos resulting in three babies.

Am I being an idiot?

I'm 31, he's 39, I've had one pregnancy resulting in a miscarriage at 8 weeks, he's had zero partners get pregnant (despite nearly 3 years of unprotected sex--2 of which were actively trying--with his ex, a proven fertile with 2 kids from different men (accidents, both of them!)). And, to get all political, I would at least consider selective reduction if it came to that.

So. Votes?

Four embryos

Only four of my eggs fertilized normally.

I'm pretty unhappy.

Looking at a day 3 transfer.

18 eggs

We got 18 eggs! Perfect.

But for some reason, this retrieval was way harder on me than last. More spotting, and more pain. I came home and promptly fell asleep--and just now woke up. So that's from about 10am to 2:45 pm. I think I was tired after last time, but not like that. And god, I still hurt. I think the needle went through my "OUCH!" nerve or something.

I have more to say (family stuff), but I also have a test tomorrow and an assignment to finish up. I hope you're all doing ok.

Trigger tonight

My e2 was 3041, which is not as bad as we were anticipating. So yay! Trigger tonight, with an 8am retrieval on Sunday.

T Minus One

I will be triggering tomorrow night, for a Sunday egg retrieval. I've got 10 mature and 6 almost-there follicles as of this morning, and another 10 in the maybe-but-not-likely category. My e2 is in the 2200s, so they want to see me tomorrow just to recheck it, and to give me some Dostinex.

I hate to say it, but I just am ready for this to be over. I ache, I'm hormonal, I had a huge nursing exam today and another one on Monday, etc. I was so excited last time when I made it to retrieval. This time, I'm just not.

I know zillions of women would kill to respond like I do. I appreciate my blessing. But the sad truth is, no matter how many mature eggs I get, we still have to add the sperm. I just hope we have better luck this time.

My Sister-in-Law is Pregnant

And everybody knew but me.

My grandparents spilled the beans during a huge family dinner tonight. At a restaurant, so I couldn't even go cry.

I'm more pissed off than I am sad. I figured it was only a matter of time--their little girl is 17 months--and as much as I hate the fact that my shiftless step-brother can't keep a job, his wife is an excellent mother. It just makes me angry that I am the last to know, and there were no plans to tell me. My sister-in-law (I've mentioned before that she's the most understanding about this whole thing) even asked my mom when and how she thought they should tell me.

This was after I told my mom I would prefer to know anything sooner rather than later, and in private.

My mother told her to wait till I was pregnant.

Umm...yeah.

After dinner, I called them both--my SIL to congratulate her but to ask why she's been avoiding me (she's had awful morning sickness and didn't want to lie to me...) and to say it hurt my feelings to find out this way.

And my mom to fight with her (after my SIL told me what she'd said, and that everyone else has known for 3 weeks).

They're due in December.

Some days, I just really hate everyone and everything.

e2=990

I have a ton of follicles (I lost count!), with 12 in the 14-15 range. My e2 (after a night of Ganirelix) is 990. I'm an OHSS risk, but then again, I was last time too. Retrieval will be Saturday or Sunday.

Back to studying...

4=12

After 4 nights of stims, I have 12 follicles. They're all about 12mm, except for 2 stragglers (1 at 9mm, one at about 8). I'm thrilled!!

I'm also incredibly busy, between work (dropped down to part-time, obviously) and school. This coming week is going to be insane. Assignments, my first exam, egg retrieval still set for Sunday, then another exam on Monday. I probably won't be blogging much, just leaving a few updates. Please forgive me in advance.

Stims: Continuing to be Normal (Updated!)

My e2 yesterday was 143. After 2 nights of stimming, that's pretty much ideal. The sad news (for me) is that it made my nurse decide I don't need an u/s on Sunday. I still have to give them my blood, of course, but no romance time with the seeing-eye-dildo. Which makes me sad, because I want to know how many follicles are growing, damnit!

Because I'm anal (but not for the dildocam, of course), I looked up my last antagonist cycle. I didn't have a blood-draw until the 4th day (e2 was in the 400s), or an ultrasound until the 6th (17 follicles). So I'm on the exact same schedule, just with one extra blood draw, because they just can't get enough of me.

I've blogged before about being "a hard poke". I have "princess veins" when I should have ordered "truck-driver veins". I'm a "go for it". All of these are direct quotes from the one and only staff-member who can reliably find my AC. And I'm slowly falling in love with her. After countless office visits, they know to get her when they see me. On the days when she is not there, I end up with numerous bruises, and they always seem to end up taking it from one of my hands. I actually try to get them to go straight for the hand, because, as much as it hurts, it's better to do that than did around in both my arms first...only to end up at my hand. I look like a heroin addict from a single draw. N, on the other hand, has taken my blood on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday of this week. She goes straight for the butterfly needle, straight for the AC on my right arm, and BAM! I don't have a single bruise. I have an itsy-bitsy red mark, that only showed up yesterday. I am on and off the chair in under a minute.

It's amazing. It's what normal women do. It's what my husband does, when he gives blood. (I'm forever banned, having lived in the Congo river basin for 2+ years.) It's not a pain in the ass at all.

To make up for it, of course, I've managed to make myself bleed on all 3 of my nightly injections.

But even with that, I'm amazed at how smoothly this cycle is going. I can't get over it. Please, let me continue to be text-book, right up to the take-home-baby at the end.

EDIT: Hahaha, one of my favorite nurses just called me and said "I see you're only getting blood work on Sunday? Can you do an ultrasound too? The more we know, the happier we are." Me too, and yes I can!

Stims--Day 1

Yep. I'm cycling, and it should be perfect. Today is my natural CD3, and I start my FSH (Bravelle, 300 units) and low-dose HCG (30 units) tonight! Scans every other day, add in Ganirelix when I have a follicle at 15mm, anticipated egg retrieval on Sunday, June 12th.

I only have one awful appointment--it's on the same day as my first pharmacology exam, and I'll have to rush to make it in time (and I'll miss the class before). But nothing that's during my clinicals.

I'm a bit in shock. I mean, we made the decision Sunday night, and here I am starting stims 3 days later. No cysts, estrogen, p4, LH all nice and low...holy crap. Last time, between deciding to do IVF and starting Lupron, and actually doing IVF, it took us 5 months. I know that's unusual, but it was our story. To have everything go so perfectly smooth just seems unreal.

By the way, I heard there's a Lupron shortage. Bwahahahahaha. It's because I took it all. All told, I spent 93 days on Lupron, usually on 20IUs, sometimes on as high as 40. So, sorry y'all, you'll have to go get cysts from some other medication.

(I will finish the donor sperm conversation soon, I swear!)