I Did Not Order This

Umm, uterus? You know I love you and how you always build up a nice lining, and how you got pregnant and held onto that baby for all you were worth, and then properly expelled it a week after stopping meds, and then built up another nice lining and began to shed it in a timely manner. You are usually my favorite girly part.

But KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF with the cramps!

I do not want this. We're not pregnant this time. There's really no need for all this.

Thank you, drive through.

Tomorrow starts FET #2!

Woohoo! Sneaking me in the back door, I start Estrace (well, my generic equivalent) tomorrow night. (And yes, my spotting is progressing along nicely to a light flow. Which, never been happier to buy tampons on the way home!)

I have a scan on Monday to make sure there are no cysts. I guess they'll draw blood as well? Not quite sure.

Transfer May 24th!! Which is my 2nd Tuesday of nursing school. I don't have my clinic schedule yet, so I'm hoping either I don't have clinicals that day, or I can work around it. We'll see.

Let's get this baby-making back on track! (And maybe I can get pregnant before my 2-year mark in June!)

Yay, spotting!

I started spotting, which for me is a 100% reliable indicator. Period tonight or tomorrow. This post-miscarriage cycle will be 29-30 days long, so really not too bad.

I put a call in to my clinic, just waiting for them to call me back. I really hope I can get FET #2 underway right away, hopefully with the transfer being before I start classes (May 16th).

More later.

(Pre-)Easter Dinner

I have a niece (step-brother and wife's child). They announced their pregnancy shortly after our 2nd failed "natural" cycle. So back in the good old days, before we knew we were infertile. But I think I knew, despite reassuring myself after that 2nd period that "3-6 months is totally normal". I experienced pregnancy-jealousy for the very first time. I felt like they'd stolen our baby. After we got home, I cried for the first time in our TTC journey.

(Also, can I just say that my step-bro is 5 years younger than I am, and she is 6, and he still doesn't have a steady job and has recently decided to go "back to school for a Ph.D", despite not even having a Bachelor's? This plan involves taking classes at community college to boost his GPA. She's a teacher. They're good parents, but...come on. She was an accident, they weren't ready. *sigh*)

I don't actually want Baby A as my own. But because of the timing of her conception, she is a living reminder of everything I do not have. From the pregnancy to the birth to the talking, walking toddler. She is the exact age as our baby should be. Not to mention, they stole my girl name and gave it to her. (Not exactly--I wanted the French version, they went with the Italian version, but still, means I can't use it and it's the same except the very last letter.)

I hate myself as I type this, by the way. I realize how bitter and petty I sound. I wish I could change how I feel.

Honestly, for the most part, it hasn't been that bad. She's adorable. My sister-in-law is the coolest person in my whole family about our IF. She lets me be the doting aunt when I want to, or not visit them for months. She always asks if Baby A is welcome at whatever we're doing if I planned it or am hosting it.

But this dinner was awful. I still can't sleep.

It started at 4. My husband couldn't come till 5. It was the first time I've seen Baby A since the miscarriage. I arrived at the exact same time they did. I couldn't get out of my car and inside fast enough. No helping them, nothing. I tried talking to other people, but...my family just gravitates to the baby. All conversations are about her. All eyes are upon her. I'm really not exaggerating here.

I was trying to talk to my older sister about how her husband's grant was denied, etc. She said a few sentences to me, then talked over me, to my mom, about "how amazing" Baby A is. Because she takes naps without screaming when she gets put down.

I ran out of the room crying. I locked myself in the bathroom and did not come out for...I don't even know. Probably about 20 minutes. I just couldn't.

I didn't talk to anyone until my husband showed up. I just kept my eyes on the ground. As soon as he showed up, dinner was served.

My mom had just gotten a new high chair for Baby A. They had to figure out how to put her in it, and everyone had to comment on how cute she looked next to the polka-dotted background. Every food passed was weighted and discussed based on if she could eat it yet, would she like it, etc.

We left after dessert, but before anyone got up from the table.

I cried again in the car driving home, and several more times tonight.

As soon as I am done with nursing school, we are moving. We've discussed moving to a mandated state more than once. We decided tonight. We're assuming I won't be pregnant by then. Seems safe, as my program is only 15 months long. Selling the house might be tricky, but whatever. Looks like Illinois, Maryland, or Massachusetts are the best places to go if you need IVF. I guess that's where we're going.

I suspect that my older sister is already trying to get pregnant. My doctor-sister, to whom I am still not speaking, is making an unexpected trip out for Mother's Day. I fully expect her to say she's gotten engaged. I know she wants children soon.

I cannot live in the same state as my family and deal with infertility at the same time.

Hope Addict

I don't even believe my FF ovulation date (CD 10), but if I did, I am 12DPO today. So, you know, not even late.

Plus, have I mentioned that the swimmers don't swim?

Now, ask me why I tested this morning. Go on.

I'm an idiot, but I want to be an urban legend. I hope to be pregnant and just can't abandon that.

In related news: http://www.theonion.com/articles/just-when-couple-finally-stops-stressing-about-hav,19990/

So much for support groups

A girl in my "Formerly Due in Nov" loss support group over on FertilityFriend just announced her pregnancy.

All of the sudden, I can't hang there anymore.

I knew I was the only one of us (and there's a shit-ton) who'd done IVF...but for some reason, I didn't quite realize that it meant those women could get pregnant. Again. Very easily. Without even a single post-miscarriage AF.

I'm not even jealous of those women, I'm just so angry. Infertility has taken so much from me, and now I realize that, even fertiles who miscarry truly will not get it.

I don't think my loss is worse than theirs, it's just that...they can have so many more opportunities to try again. And I can't. Every month is a chance for them, and for almost everyone else in the world, but not for me. I've only actually had two chances this whole year, and next year doesn't look to be any better.

*sigh*

I'm just so tired of this life. I want a fucking baby of my own in my arms.

Too much and not enough

I have too much to say, and not enough energy to say it. I write blog entries in my mind when trying to fall asleep. I have mentally blogged about:

~The fight I had with my doctor-sister. I don't think our relationship will ever fully recover. I don't even know if I care, yet.

~The first time my husband and I had sex since recieving the news that the pregnancy wasn't viable. (It wasn't until after my spotting stopped.) I had missed him so much, and missed not even wanting to have sex, and despite the fact that sex really doesn't lead to babies around our house, I cried for about half an hour afterwards, and I'm not quite sure why.

~My HPTs are now stark white. I may have ovulated already.

~I bought the Circle and Bloom natural cycle, because I've had difficulties sleeping and missed doing my IVF and pregnancy Anji meditations. I thought I'd use it this cycle and then probably during my FET. I have mixed feelings about it. Hate the "special ovulation" meditation. Hate how she's so coy about "certain hormones"--just say GnRH, FSH, estrogen, LH...we're not idiots. But love the relaxation openers, some of the meditations, and having something to listen to again.

~My clinic, the one I am divorcing, is having its annual patient party, and has several door prizes of the "cash off treatment" variety, including a free IVF and a half-priced IVF. So I might be going, even though I really don't like my clinic and was looking forward to switching, because...free IVF? I'm in.

~I suck at reading the pregnancy blogs in my reader. It makes me feel small and petty not to, or to read and not comment, but I don't know how to get over this block.

That's about it. I'm being slightly more social and trying to be somewhat more normal. But I'm still very sad a lot of the time.

What I'll Never Know

When we found out our pregnancy was non-viable, my grief was for our baby. I loved that baby very much, and would have done anything for it. (I suspected, I think I can admit, that my baby was a boy.) I visualized him growing, talked to him, thought up names...losing that baby was awful. But now, I think my grief is about me. I am upset that my baby will never get to walk, never learn to talk, never fall in love...but it is a selfish grief.

I'm sad I'll never get to see those things. I'm so upset that I'll never meet my baby. I'll never know, for sure, if my baby was a boy or a girl. If my child walked first, or talked first. Was gay, straight, or something in between. Had my eyes or my husband's. Liked music, liked books, liked basketball or baseball. Was good at math, spelling, history. Had a funny sense of humor, or was more sedate. An introvert or an extrovert. Liked the snow or wanted us to move somewhere warmer.

I'll never hear my child say "I love you"...or, as a teenager, scream "I hate you!". I won't cry on the first day of kindergarten, college, a wedding. I don't get to have the sex talk, the dating talk, the don't-pick-on-the-weak talk, get angry that my child colored on our walls or broke my favorite tea-cup from my own great grandmother.

Not with this child.

But I'm upset for me. I think it's time for me to stop mourning and recognize that it's self-pity, not true grief. I need to re-enter the world, to engage with the people I do have, to accept the love I am offered. It's very hard, but it needs to be done. For the child I will somehow, someday have, I need to be a stronger person.

Stupid everything

I have mentioned in the past that my clinic is good when things are good, and amazingly sucky when things aren't good. (This is why, once we've used our embryos, we will be switching clinics.) This was certainly true during my miscarriage.

They did not tell me anything. I got lots of hugs from the kind nurses, but not a single bit of information. While I usually have a whole list of questions and suggestions, I was unprepared this time. The only question I thought of, on my way out the door, was "Do I stop my progesterone?"

It didn't occur to me to ask about the estrogen. When it came time for my nightly dose, the clinic was of course closed. I was afraid to call my sister, because then we'd have to talk about everything. So...I just assumed I should stop it.

I called them when I started bleeding. I pretty much said, "I have started bleeding. I don't know what to do now." And they pretty much said, "Don't do anything. There's nothing to be done." I asked when I could try again, and was told after my next period. I asked if I needed any tests or anything and they said no.

There was no mention of not using tampons. There was no mention of not taking baths. I did both. I would probably do the baths again, because they helped so much. I didn't use tampons until about day 3, and stopped once commenters (thank you!) told me to.

But HELLO, doctors! My goal is NOT to get a serious infection and risk my reproductive organs any further. Thanks for the help, jerks.

I don't know. I'm still very sad. My bleeding is very light today, but I still feel awful. My morning sickness is gone and my breasts have deflated a bit, but...I just want to crawl into a cave and cry.

Well, that pretty much sucked

My miscarriage began on Thursday, March 31st. 7w6d, down the drain. Literally.

The cramps were extremely painful. I have mentioned before that sometimes I'm glad of physical pain. This was one of those times. It hurt. It was awful. I would have taken narcotics if offered. But...shouldn't it hurt? No matter that my body had already absorbed some of my baby, I was losing my pregnancy. It was the antithesis of birth. It hurt my soul, it hurt my husband, damn right it should hurt my body.

I spent about 8 hours over 2 days in the bathtub. It helped with the cramps, and frankly, it helped with the copious amount of blood and tissue loss. I would get in for about 45 minutes, drain, rinse in the shower, get out, and repeat an hour or so later. I realize that, objectively speaking, that's probably pretty disgusting. I was soaking in blood, tissue, products of conception. I really did not mind. It helped with the pain, it controlled the smell, I didn't have to feel anything on a pad.

I also "labored" over the toilet, quite a bit. The worst cramps, and I'd run for it. I could feel things leaving my body. I've never, in my history of heavy periods, seen toilet water this red, with almost-black chunks and clots and everything at the bottom.

After two and a half days of that (needless to say, I did not leave the house), I think the worst is passed. I am still cramping and bleeding heavily, but not so much that I'm considering going to the ER. I can wear a tampon, though I'm changing them frequently. I have not taken a pregnancy test to confirm the loss. Not yet.

My clinic has no interest in monitoring me, which I think is a bit strange. I can call them after I get my post-miscarriage period, which they say usually takes 6-8 weeks. Then we can try again. I figure I'll take a test once my bleeding stops, and if it's positive, I'll either call my awful OB, or make an appointment at the new clinic.

JimDear and I want to do a FET with our last 2 embryos. Then we'll move on to IVF at the new clinic. We don't have much hope for our frozen embryos, but we want to give them a shot. I will probably have started nursing school by that point, and it's much easier, and cheaper, than a fresh cycle.

JimDear has been a hero throughout all this. He has done all the housework, brought me water (and tissues) when I needed it, fielded all our phone calls (I asked my family to leave me alone, but they won't), held me, been wonderful. I feel unworthy of his love.