7w5d: All that and more

I lost my last baby at 7w6d. I know, I know, this pregnancy is different. And it is, but it's still impossible for me to forget about it. This whole week has sucked.

Also, I think I've told you guys I'm an idiot? I went off my SSRI after seeing the heartbeat. Mine was not the best choice for pregnancy, and I didn't want to be on any at all come the third trimester, so a brief chat with my RE ("it was infertility that made you depressed, and now you're pregnant") and they went in a drawer. I probably should have waited till Week 10.

I didn't anticipate every step of this week being haunted by the fact that, at this point in my last pregnancy, everywhere I went, I wondered: is this where I will miscarry?

And I'll be honest: my two biggest symptoms are puking and wanting to sleep 23 hours a day. It's hard to be cheerful when you're dog-tired and bent over the toilet much of the time. Again, if this actually meant I'd get a baby, I wouldn't hate it. But I was sick (though admittedly not this sick) in my miscarriage pregnancy, and so I just don't feel that reassurance. Instead of feeling pregnant, I feel more like I've got a weeks-long flu with a high probability of dead baby at the end.

The glass, she isn't even close to half full.

(You all hate me right now. That's ok. I hate myself too.)

So the appointment.

They were running behind. Very behind. I waited for an hour. I'm not lying, an actual solid hour. And I guess it was just my nurse, because they kept taking other women back. There was a woman--an obnoxiously loud belly-rubber. I mean, she was rubbing her damn belly so loudly I could hear her hands on her shirt from clear across the room. It wasn't a nice, soothing "rub...rub...rub..." It was more "I'll get this grease out of the pot no matter HOW hard and fast I must scrub!" "Rubrubrubrubrubrubrub". I hated her. She was taken back and then sent downstairs to deliver, so then I felt like a bitch. She was probably rubbing out her contractions or something else late-term that I know absolutely nothing about.

There was a mom with two little boys under five. She just sent them to the chairs while she chatted with the receptionist. The boys were not well-behaved. I actually really like toddlers and such, but man, these kids were naughty. I had awful thoughts about their mom, primarily along the lines of "she clearly doesn't care about the two she has, WTF is she doing having another?" I mean, she wasn't just checking in. She was chatting. They chatted till she got called back, and then she yelled (seriously!) at her boys to follow her.

I had to vomit, and they wouldn't let me use the restroom because "we'll need a sample". I snapped "it's not that", left the office, and used the restroom in the hall.

I came back and got called in.

One of those boys was laying on the floor in the hallway. Mom was nowhere to be seen. The nurse stepped over him and was like "I guess he likes the floor". I guess so.

I peed as instructed. They then weighed me. Then she took me to an exam room, and left.

She came back and took my blood pressure. At this point, I realized she was "the nurse" I would be seeing. She never told me her name. I felt too awkward to ask it.

She said, "We tested your urine, and you're pregnant."

I said, "I know. I'm here from my RE's. I've had two ultrasounds. It's twins. I wrote all this down? And I brought the pictures with me, if you'd like them."

She said, "Yeah, but sometimes people come in with symptoms, and that's it. And it turns out they're not pregnant."

Well, ok then. I gave her all my pictures, and stressed the ugly ones--the sinus bleed, the bleeding ovary, Itsy measuring behind with a slow heartbeat.

She was like, "Yeah, let's go over your history."

So we did. No, no, no, no, no. Look, we don't know any of my husband's history. Adoption. No, nothing. No seriously, nothing. On the form where you asked? I said it. I also said we did Counsyl, see that, right there? Under "any genetic testing"? So no, we would not like the CF screen. Quad testing? Isn't that useless with multiples? ("Well, it might not be twins, we don't truly know at this point.")

What am I afraid of? Loss. Loss. Loss. Look, lady, I don't give a fuck that your whole office shares a call for delivery. Really, I don't. I know some women are all attached to their doctors and only want someone they know delivering their baby. I am much less greedy. I just want a delivery. I want someone who knows what they're doing, but I just want a baby outside me. I don't care if it's magical, not at this point. Did I mention my previous miscarriage? A lot?

I'm a vegetarian and borderline anemic. Anything I should do? Want me to eat meat? I will. ("You can talk to the doctor about that. Have you scheduled your 12 week appointment?") Should I take extra vitamins, minerals, hippy water sprinkled with baby dust, anything? ("The doctor will let you know.")

And then..."any questions for me?"

"Yes. How are my babies? Do we still have two heartbeats?"

"Let me go talk to the doctor."

And she came back, and told me the doctor wants to see me next week, for an ultrasound. And then, "We have a table-side machine, but it has really bad resolution. So we'll see what we can see."

Can't we just hop downstairs, where L&D is, and use one of theirs? Or something??? I mean, you've got a week to set this up.

Also, on that day, the only day you can get me in, I have a quiz at 8 and an exam at 12:20. Your 10:30 appointment better be on time, or I will walk out and just never walk back.