8w5d: Yesterday

Yesterday was a big day. I went to the school early, since I needed to talk to Student Services. It was time to tell. All the students know, my clinical instructor knows, my sim lab instructor knows, and I was about to have to tell my pharmacology prof as well ("I'm on Zofran and sucking hard candies and ginger and eating all the time and stuff, but I still sometimes have uncontrolled vomiting episodes. I know you are very strict about your exams, but if I get up and run out, I'd really appreciate if you'd let me back in. It's twins, see."). So I figured I should tell them, so they didn't get grumpy about being the last to know.

It went pretty much as expected, with them telling me to go to school as long as I can, but if I miss too much, they'll put me on medical leave, plain and simple. And totally fair--no one wants a nurse who missed the whole week on pediatric wound care or whatever. Because my program runs once a year, I'd have to wait a whole year for the 3rd semester to roll back around. Which, the more I think of it, might not be a bad idea at all. Affording it would be hard, but think of me being able to spend every single minute of every single day in the company of my babies. That sounds ideal. (For now!)

The hilarious part was their reaction to it being twins. I live in Utah (and yes, I was once Mormon, but no, I most certainly no longer am, hence the drinking, sexing, swearing, gay-marrying (well, ok, I didn't do the last one, but I would like the right to do so) sort of lifestyle I lead), so there's no way in hell I'm the first pregnant nursing student. I even said that to them (without the hell part), because they were just speechless. Finally one of them was like, "Wow...twins! You must have been so surprised!!!"

Well, yes and no. Surprised that there was any baby at all trumped surprise that there were two. Two was unexpected, but entirely within the realm of probability. But...these ladies do not know I'm a big fat infertile. We haven't told very many people, but everyone we'd told "twins" to up to that point knew our history. Twins with IVF isn't a big shock. My clinic has about a 30% twin rate of their live births. But for someone who doesn't know my history, I guess twins would be a big surprise.

I said, "Well, not really. We had help getting here and have had a miscarriage before, so we're very cautiously excited, and it's also why we planned this pregnancy, even knowing about my school commitments." (Thus, cleverly, I let them know it was planned and cut short a lecture on "really bad timing".)

Maybe I've just spend way to much time in the ALI community, but I see twins, especially fraternal twins, and think "one of us". I'd sort of assumed everyone would hear twins and think "fertility drugs". None of their business, but they're not wrong.

Anyway, after that I had an exam (finals are next week, so of course every exam and paper were due yesterday), then ran to my OB appointment. I met the actual OB and liked her a lot. Even though she was the harbinger of doom: "With multiples--even di/di like you've got--you are a higher risk for everything. Gestational diabetes, pre-term labor, and preeclampsia are our biggest concerns. I won't let you go past 38 weeks. That's sort of the equivalent of 42 weeks for a singleton. Most of our twins go at 34-36 weeks. And about 60-70% of my twin moms get c-sections."

Well, none of that was unexpected, but it sounds rather stark in black and white. When I was a teenager, I wanted the whole home-birth water birth hippy natural thing. As I learned more about myself and my complete willingness to take on blame for any- and everything, I decided a home birth was probably not for me. But I still really wanted a natural birth. I do still want that. I was unable to get pregnant the way I wanted to, and will likely not get the birth I want.

As long as I get the babies I want, it's worth it.

I won't turn down a c-section. I don't want a baby to get hypoxic because of my selfish desire to "experience it all". I hope I can go vaginal, but if not...oh well.

Then out came the table-side ultrasound, which was probably constructed for 4-year-olds to play doctor with. She found the babies but couldn't see anything--couldn't measure them, couldn't look for heartbeats, couldn't check out my bleed. So I was sent downstairs to the MFM clinic.

Where I waited, waited, and then said, "I'm sorry, I've got an exam. We'll just have to reschedule." They could get me in at 4:30.

I rushed back to school, 5 minutes late for my exam. And then left immediately afterwards, back to the hospital. Where they saw my babies.

I love my babies. Itsy's heart was at 168, and Bitsy's was at 169. Twins! Itsy measured 3 days behind Bitsy, but since previously (s)he was 4 days behind, I am taking this not as measurement errors, but as proof positive of a growth-spurt. They're both within range for gestational age, and I hate to brag, but they're really fucking cute.

I've rambled for a while, so I'll post about sex later. Specifically, the sex I am not allowed to have, and the things I've screwed up while non-screwing lately. I'm all class, over here.