5w5d: Going Through Our Minds

Since Tuesday's ultrasound, my husband and I have both had an awful lot of thoughts going through our minds.

If (pleaseohplease) our twins are born and grow up to have birthdays, I plan on telling them about one of the very first things their daddy did when he found out we were having twins: We drove back from the RE's in totally shock, alternating between giddy and, well, HOLY FUCKING SHIT. (I might leave that part out, because I don't want their friends' moms calling and saying, "Maddison said the f-word and she says she learned it from YOUR TODDLER!") We hugged, cried, put the ultrasound pictures on the fridge, hugged, laughed, etc. Then I went to update my blog...and my husband sat down, wrote up a list of everything that needs to be done around the house, and went to Home Depot.

Awesome. I've been nagging him for over a year to finish the trim (I'm too short to do it alone), and now it will get done! Along with the baseboards and a handful of other things.

I love the good moments. In a fit of optimism, I googled "double strollers". I quickly became overwhelmed with all the options, closed the website, and pretended like I'd never done it.

I'm not going to lie: we knew we were risking multiples, and of course I'm incredibly thrilled. But twins wasn't exactly what I daydreamed about. Twin pregnancies and births are riskier. Daycare for twin newborns? Does that even exist? Two cribs, car seats, college tuitions at the same time...it's overwhelming to think about. I want them. I want them both. Neither of them is unplanned, unwelcome, unwanted. But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried that I might not be able to finish nursing school on time. My program only runs once a year, so it would mean pushing graduation back an entire year if I'm unable to do my clinic hours, go to whatever classes I have to, go to the simulation lab, etc. While I would love a year off, with babies, I'm not sure if we can afford it. (Because if I'm not in school, I'm not going back to work full time, and couldn't if I was on bedrest anyway...) I want healthy babies, and I'm worried we'll be sent straight to the Maternal-Fetal doctor, what with my history of loss, my age, twins, and a sinus bleed.

And on the other hand, I'm terrified of losing one or both of these babies. I don't know if I could survive a double loss. I know plenty of women have, and my heart goes out to them. But oh, I'm so scared. I can't rest easy in this pregnancy, even though the ultrasound was promising. We need heartbeats, and I'm scared I'll never see them. Terrified.

And then, there's the OH OH OH TWINS! voice. The voice telling me I just might get *two* babies. I might have two boys, two girls, or one of each. Sure, it took us two years, two fresh, and two frozen cycles to get these two babies, but for TWO BABIES, that's not bad! Babies, plural. My husband and I could each cuddle with one. When everyone wants to hold one of my babies, I can be holding another one at the same time, without looking enviously at them and thinking "GIVE ME BACK MY BABY!" (although I might insist on trading frequently). Two siblings to play with each other. (I loved having siblings close to my age--I was never lonely as a small child.) Two children. I want two children! Now!

My mind is all over the place. It doesn't help that my mind should be thinking about digoxin, end of life care, exams, papers, upcoming sister's birthday, still haven't talked to my mom yet, what to do, school school school, work. Instead I'm thinking about how I threw up in the parking lot today (gross, I know, but I just couldn't wait, it was hard enough to not puke in my car), how much my breasts ache, how I have a Baby A and a Baby B. They'll be able to touch each other in utero. That's crazy. My babies. I love them, I want them.

My husband and I can't stop talking about it, can't stop texting each other "twins!", can't stop marvelling. Is this really happening???