The first time donor sperm was brought up to us, it was done very unprofessionally. We had a couple of cancelled IVF/ICSIs under our belt (cancelled due to my reaction to Lupron and a charming cyst), and were trying to get to the stim phase once again. A nurse called and left voicemails for both me and my husband saying, (from memory), "Just calling to give you your estrogen levels, and also, we notice you haven't chosen your donor sperm back-up, we need to get this completed ASAP, call us back."
I was like "Donor sperm? WTF? This was never mentioned! A back-up? Is his count really that bad? And if it is, why the hell are we spending $10,000 on this whole ICSI thing if it won't work??"
I sent my husband a text (we were both at work) saying, "Did you get this voicemail? What should we do?" and he replied "We'll talk at home."
When we got home, he surprised me by...crying. He said "It just makes me feel so un-needed. Like I'm not even a part of this baby-making process."
So I said, "We'll just call them back and tell them no 'back-up', that we don't want it."
And that was the one and only time we discussed the subject.
But it weighed heavily on my mind. Donor sperm is not my ideal. It's not that I have anything against it, I just would rather be able to play the he-has-your-nose game. My husband is adopted, so there are no brothers/cousins/uncles we could use to get a genetic link. That door is closed.
I personally don't see the point in using a known donor in our situation--the male relatives his close to aren't genetically related (his father, his brother-in-law, his 17-year-old nephew (his sister is also adopted, from a different family)), and using their DNA just seems awkward. Using one of my brother-in-laws or step-brother (or step-father) just feels incestuous to me. And using a friend, while nice, doesn't seem like a good idea, as I wouldn't really want a donor to have much of a role in our child's life.
But to me, an anonymous donor doesn't seem like that big of a deal. I have zero concern with "OMG what if our child unknowingly has children with someone who turns out to be their half-sibling." So I don't really see the point.
Let me just say here, my biological father was an absolute asshole. Abusive and all that stuff. My parents divorced when I was 6, and I never saw him again. He killed himself when I was almost 16, and the world is a better place without him in it. I have two half-brothers out there whom I've never met, and have no desire to meet. Why would I want to, when all we have in common is some chromosomes from a dirty source? So this may color my opinions. I'm a scientist--I know DNA controls a lot. But most important things, to the best of my knowledge, are nurture+nature combined, or nurture alone. I'm talking things like sense of humor, work ethic, curiosity about the world, tolerance, not-being-an-ass, intelligence (yes, this has a genetic component, but there's a reason Head Start works...), the qualities that actually make someone worth hanging out with. It's not their hair color, their body shape, needing glasses, any of that. So, to me, whatever.
I had assumed my husband felt similarly. He's adopted, as I've mentioned. When he turned 18, he had the option of connecting with his biological mother. He didn't want to and doesn't regret that. She's nothing to him--his mom is his mom, his dad is his dad, so what's the point. (His sister, for the record, did chose to meet her birth mom, and they now have a relationship. I think either way is fine. But the point is, my husband didn't want it.) He's also way more open to adopting than I am--I want to be pregnant very, very much.
So for him to not want to use donor sperm caught me entirely off-guard. I mean, didn't he know somewhere, deep down, that we might be headed that way? And...not feeling like he's part of the process? I don't mean to down-play fatherhood (which is different), or support during pregnancy (which again, is different), but when it comes to conception, we're talking an orgasm. Into a cup, in our case. How exactly does that make you a part of it? I mean, really?
(Now that we have been through an egg retrieval and three transfers, I think he realizes that his 'part' in it is being there with me, watching the monitors, holding my hand, all of that. Not the 'sample'.)
I had a hard time believing that his concern was really him jerking off in a cup versus not. I figured the problem must run deeper, must have to do with me carrying another man's child, or me having a genetic link when he did not. But we never talked about it. I didn't want to bring it up, because it was so upsetting to him. And I thought IVF would work for us. Especially once we got our great fert report, I figured we were golden.
Not so much.
As we had failure after failure, the donor sperm idea kept coming back to me. I like to plan three steps ahead. I want to do another fresh cycle or two, but I'd rather move on to donor sperm after that than go for adoption (or donor embryos, which is another post). But I didn't want to hurt my husband.
And now I've rambled on for so long (without actually getting to the conversation!) that I have to leave. More to come.
3 comments:
I'm a geneticist and agree with you that a lot of traits are very nurture-oriented... our son has a lot more in common with me, personality wise, than he does with my wife who had the genetic and gestational connection. And while I get occasional "Oh he must resemble his daddy" comments when out and about alone with the Kid in tow (and occasionally from acquaintances who should know better), I either noncommittally shrug, say "Oh, I adopted him" or if I'm feeling extra snarky (when I'm talking to someone who knows our situation and should really, really know better), "No, actually he resembles his sperm donor."
As the nongestational parent, I think it's extra hard to be left out genetically because pregnancy is already a really a big deal in terms of bonding. I get why your husband would be feeling left out at using donor sperm, having been there myself. What worked for us: taking extra steps to involve the nongestational and nongenetic parent in pregnancy, and also to ensure that said parent has a crapton of time off with the baby after birth, preferably some solo-time, to get to feel like an equal parent.
Once our kid made his appearance as an outdoor baby, the situation became a lot less fraught and complicated. He was just my kid, because I was his mum and equally in charge of keeping him alive on a day to day basis. But, I think it's harder to get there in a situation where your partner is a genetic and birth-giving parent and you are neither, than in a situation where you are both on equal footing as adoptive parents. You have to work harder at establishing equal parenting investment/authority/bonding... and also equal recognition as a parent from the outside world, if the outside world knows you don't have a genetic connection. You can totally get there, though!
I also totally agree that the known donor situation should only be entered into in situations where it really feels like a good idea, and you have a friend/family member whose idea of involvement is on the same exact wavelength as yours. Otherwise, if you want your kid to be able to have answers about their genetics (in case it's more important to them than it was to your husband or to you), there are a lot of identity release donors out there that enable your kid to have knowledge of who the donor is when they reach legal adulthood.
I love what you say here: I think he realizes that his 'part' in it is being there with me, watching the monitors, holding my hand, all of that. Not the 'sample'.
So true. God bless the men in our lives.
You made my day with these words.
"But most important things, to the best of my knowledge, are nurture+nature combined, or nurture alone. I'm talking things like sense of humor, work ethic, curiosity about the world, tolerance, not-being-an-ass, intelligence"
We've recently learned that my husband does not create sperm and we will be unable to have a baby "of our own".
I'm still coming to terms with this news, but am also thinking about our other options. I don't know if we'll go the donor sperm route, or choose adoption. I've been doing research on both (which is how I stumbled upon your blog) and it is refreshing to read that someone believes our child will be who they are based on how we raise them, not neccessarily on where they come from.
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