Oh, we thought I was handling this so well. Even I was amazed! Taking a break of my own free will? (I mean, yes, school schedule plus finances, but it wasn't doctor-mandated or anything.) Who ever would have thought! Calmly planning consultations elsewhere? Saying, "Well, I knew it wouldn't work, so it's ok"?
Bwahahahaha. Not so much, it seems.
My husband and I were hanging out with my older sister and her husband last night, and I told them my cycle had failed (beta is/was today, but, at 18DPO with neg pregnancy tests...failed), and that I was so sad I wasn't pregnant. And my sister said:
"I know, it sucks. I'm not pregnant either."
Me, "Are you trying?"
Her, "Yes"
Me, "For how long?"
Her, "This was our first month. Getting my period was so sad!"
...yeah.
She then went on to tell me that, 'because of her age', she "only" has a 20% chance each month.
I said, "You know, I am going to hate you when you're pregnant. I'm just telling you now."
She said, "You can't do that. You're my sister!"
And when they left, I cried into my husband's arms for almost an hour. And I realized I simply cannot do it. I cannot take a break. It took us two years to get a single pregnancy. I can't just throw away months like that.
My sister sent me an email:
I wanted to write you right away and say that I am so sorry that I brought up such a sensitive topic in such a casual way. I knew as soon as I spoke that it was not the appropriate time or place. As you know, I have a problem with blurting things out that I shouldn’t. I feel terrible about what happened and I will work to be more sensitive in the future. Our friendship means so much to me and I never meant to hurt you. I love you very much.
And I sent her one back:
I know you didn't mean to hurt us. I don't think you understand what I would give to have a 20% chance each month, just like that--no appointments, no every-other-day blood draws and vaginal ultrasounds, twice-a-day injections, no risk of cancellation, no day under full anesthesia while they stick a needle through my vaginal walls to aspirate each follicle I've developed, no sweating bullets for a full 24 hours, waiting to hear how many of my eggs were mature, whether [JimDear]'s sperm were healthy enough to survive the wash process, if they got enough sperm to attempt to fertilize each egg, and then how many actually fertilized. No waiting to hear how many embryos survive to transfer. No one threading a tube inside my cervix to inject embryos, no pain, no bed-rest, no risk of ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome, and no $10,000 each cycle, and above all, no nurses calling to say "We're so sorry, but..."
I don't think you realize that we only get a handful of chances each year.
I don't think you understand what it's like to be pregnant, excited about your ultrasound, only to discover that there is no heartbeat, and you will not be having a child. It's so painful to be in our situation.
And it makes me so upset, knowing that you (who only want girls, and haven't even been all that interested in babies or children until recently) and [your husband] (who would, to the best of my knowledge, would be just as happy to wait a few more years), will in all likelihood get pregnant very easily, and very quickly. You will, in all likelihood, give birth before I'm even pregnant. I'm consumed with jealousy and with grief. And to hear you be so relaxed about it, to hear you tell me that no, I can't hate you, is just something that [JimDear] and I can't deal with right now.
So when I went in to have my beta this morning, I told the nurse (there's only a skeletal staff today) that I was absolutely going to cycle THIS VERY MONTH. That the estrogen I took for my FET would count as suppression (I do the birth control/antagonist cycle, so the estrogen is my birth control), and that I would be starting stims this Friday. She'll be talking to a doctor and getting back to me. So that's my plan.
Let's hope it works.
7 comments:
I'm sorry your sister was so casual about not getting pregnant after one month of trying, that has to be very hard for you to deal with. I hope you hear back from the dr soon and you get the go ahead! Hugs!
I've been dealing with a spate of "oops!" pregnancies in family and friend circles over the past fortnight, some of whom are really not in a very good place to be parents right now, though I hope that changes (mental illness, one night stand in which no protection was used, posting drinking pics on FB while 8 weeks pregnant, etc). It's infuriatingly unfair. I had a bit of a crying jag over abortion statistics being presented on campus, too, since they reflected the same hideous unfairness on a much larger scale.
There is absolutely nothing fair about who gets pregnant and maintains pregnancies. Nothing. I just kept repeating to myself that there is no baby rationing or quota system in place. Each baby is an independent event. It is horrid that some people's rolls of the statistical dice are so much more loaded and more expensive than others, but at least they aren't taking baby chances away from you.
Also, I think the greater the struggle, the greater the tendency to appreciate the result when you get there, and ultimately, I think that makes those who struggled to overcome infertility better parents. WHEN, and not IF, you become parents to a real live take-home baby.
Is this with the same clinic or with a new clinic? Wishing you the best of luck in either case.
Of course you cried for an hour. That is pretty much the worst possible conversation that someone in your position could have to sit through, ever. I am so angry on your behalf. Life is so fucking unfair.
Lots of hugs and love. Your "real" sister might be blurty and insensitive but we are all your sisters too...and we understand. <3
Marissa, I so understand you. I am in the process of writing a post solely about my sis (which I will post tomorrow). People who haven't gone through IF will never truly understand what it feels like.
If it feels right to YOU to start cycling right now, I really hope your doctor and clinic can get on board fast.
Oh, Marissa, I'm so sorry you had that conversation with your sister. My sister isn't in that position, but I could just imagine myself there and her saying those things. I'd be so angry and definitely crying too! *big hugs*
I'm so, so sorry. Both of my sisters have gotten pregnant with their third and fifth children this past year while we've gone through numerous failed Clomid cycles, IUIs, and an IVF. They've been as sensitive as they can, but we've had our rough patches and it's still very difficult. Thinking of you...
I'm so sorry. Good luck, and I'm crossing my fingers for you this month.
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