I have too much to say, and not enough energy to say it. I write blog entries in my mind when trying to fall asleep. I have mentally blogged about:
~The fight I had with my doctor-sister. I don't think our relationship will ever fully recover. I don't even know if I care, yet.
~The first time my husband and I had sex since recieving the news that the pregnancy wasn't viable. (It wasn't until after my spotting stopped.) I had missed him so much, and missed not even wanting to have sex, and despite the fact that sex really doesn't lead to babies around our house, I cried for about half an hour afterwards, and I'm not quite sure why.
~My HPTs are now stark white. I may have ovulated already.
~I bought the Circle and Bloom natural cycle, because I've had difficulties sleeping and missed doing my IVF and pregnancy Anji meditations. I thought I'd use it this cycle and then probably during my FET. I have mixed feelings about it. Hate the "special ovulation" meditation. Hate how she's so coy about "certain hormones"--just say GnRH, FSH, estrogen, LH...we're not idiots. But love the relaxation openers, some of the meditations, and having something to listen to again.
~My clinic, the one I am divorcing, is having its annual patient party, and has several door prizes of the "cash off treatment" variety, including a free IVF and a half-priced IVF. So I might be going, even though I really don't like my clinic and was looking forward to switching, because...free IVF? I'm in.
~I suck at reading the pregnancy blogs in my reader. It makes me feel small and petty not to, or to read and not comment, but I don't know how to get over this block.
That's about it. I'm being slightly more social and trying to be somewhat more normal. But I'm still very sad a lot of the time.
9 comments:
Me too. I write blogs in my head all the time, but then dont have the energy to type them. Or even care for that matter. Im sorry to hear about the fight with your sis :( My clinic does the free IVF raffle every couple months. Seems so odd like "Get your raffle ticket for you future family" haha But like you said "Free IVF? Im in." :) Thinking of you...
FREE IVF? That is awesome...and I see why you would stick around just for that!
Oh and please don't feel bad about not reading or commenting on pregnancy blogs....I just know it has got to be so hard. We are all here for you and understand...I have had to take many breaks from them at some point as well Thinking of you...
I absolutely know the feeling of sibling fights and wondering whether the relationship will ever recover. I'm just getting over one that's lasted about a year. You're dealing with so much right now... I'm really hoping that you are getting the care and support you need and deserve.
Wait a minute, door prizes? Free IVF? I don't know what to think of that! Holy crap. But I do definitely hope you win.
Oh, and don't feel bad about staying away from the pregnancy blogs. I'm kind of staying away too. Sometimes I just don't have enough sympathetic joy to share with the real life pregnant ladies AND the blog world pregnant ladies. But that's the great thing about this community -- we give what we can to each other, we can step away when we need to, and there's remarkably little judgment for it because we're all right in the middle of this!
You're doing great.
So sorry you had a fight with your sister. And don't worry about the pregnancy blogs...I'm sure they understand.
i cry after non baby making sex someties too. it just feels so conflicting to me. its a reminder of what we can't have when we have it... and i don't read that many pregnancy blogs either... its ok. we're a wonderful community, but ultimately you have to do what makes you most sane and if that's staying way from pregnancy blogs... then stay away.
I blog in my head all day long..and sometimes at night when I am trying to sleep! I'm sorry you are having such a rough time. Sending hugs and thinking of you. xx
You're entitled. To all of it. To fights. To crying. To not feeling like keeping up with pregnancy blogs. Best advice I was ever given: the surest way past something is to go right through the middle of it. (Not that it is ever that easy, and we all make return trips.) But you have a right to feel all of it. And as far as the reading blogs, I don't think there is a soul out here who doesn't understand. I know I do. I've done the same. Because it's hard as hell.
Please, please, please give yourself time. After my miscarriage, I hated every pregnant woman I saw...one of my best freinds found out, on the day we found out our baby had died, that she was pregnant. I had to stay a few steps removed when she delivered and I still wasn't pregnant again. And I hated myself for hating them all, but I couldn't help it. Now, it makes perfect sense. It's the deepest and rawest pain I've felt. It's instinctual to protect yourself.
And sex....I had a hysterectomy a few months ago and I cried the first time my husband and I had sex again after that. It's an emotional thing, and what you're going through makes it worse.
Be kind to yourself and give yourself permission to feel whatever you're feeling without guilt or excuses.
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