When we found out our pregnancy was non-viable, my grief was for our baby. I loved that baby very much, and would have done anything for it. (I suspected, I think I can admit, that my baby was a boy.) I visualized him growing, talked to him, thought up names...losing that baby was awful. But now, I think my grief is about me. I am upset that my baby will never get to walk, never learn to talk, never fall in love...but it is a selfish grief.
I'm sad I'll never get to see those things. I'm so upset that I'll never meet my baby. I'll never know, for sure, if my baby was a boy or a girl. If my child walked first, or talked first. Was gay, straight, or something in between. Had my eyes or my husband's. Liked music, liked books, liked basketball or baseball. Was good at math, spelling, history. Had a funny sense of humor, or was more sedate. An introvert or an extrovert. Liked the snow or wanted us to move somewhere warmer.
I'll never hear my child say "I love you"...or, as a teenager, scream "I hate you!". I won't cry on the first day of kindergarten, college, a wedding. I don't get to have the sex talk, the dating talk, the don't-pick-on-the-weak talk, get angry that my child colored on our walls or broke my favorite tea-cup from my own great grandmother.
Not with this child.
But I'm upset for me. I think it's time for me to stop mourning and recognize that it's self-pity, not true grief. I need to re-enter the world, to engage with the people I do have, to accept the love I am offered. It's very hard, but it needs to be done. For the child I will somehow, someday have, I need to be a stronger person.
10 comments:
I don't think this is self-pity that you're feeling and expressing. I do think it's a heart-wrenching grief that only those that have experienced the same can understand. I didn't experience near the loss you did... our loss was earlier, so our connection was much briefer. My heart still breaks though. Thinking of you...
I love this post. I admire your strength & I am inspired by your words. Thank you!
Xoxo
My heart aches for you... and your baby.
This is so unfair.
Hugs.
I can relate to your post. For me, it was the loss of a dream, the loss of plans, the loss of first Christmas, first grandchild, all firsts. As much as I tried not to get ahead of myself, my mind ran away with hopes , plans, new beginnings. When the m/c happened, I was in shock, I couldn't accept that all those plans were over.
However eventually my mind realigned itself over time and came to a level of acceptance. And I know next time when it works, I will have all those plans back.
You will too.
I don't know whether i'd call it selfiah. All grief and mourning could be called selfish then...because you just miss someone whose life was a part of your life.
But i applaud you for dusting yourself off and looking forward.I believe that this sorrow will lose some of its sting with time and that you have honored his short life.
your grief is so real and i ache for you. you will mourn this often. it ok to feel these things and i don't think its self pity. this is a shock to your system and it takes time to work through it. you are a strong person already :-) hugs. (aka. Kathleen)
Take all the time you need to mourn. It takes time to heal physically, emotionally and spiritually. Take all the time you need.
Thank you for this post. I think it hits home with so many of us :( I had strong feeling my loss was a boy too...
I don't think it is selfish or self-pity. It is still very much grief. Grief of what could have been but will never be. At least with that child. And it is completely normal and healthy, unless it keeps you from moving forward and enjoying life.
Miscarriage is hard, regardless of how far along you are. There is no right way, or correct period of time to process things. You can still let the love of others in as you deal with your loss and grief. You deserve it.
I don't think it's self-pity. Cut yourself the slack you would cut somebody else in this situation - and don't be hard on yourself. You don't deserve it. Grieving is long and complicated, but you also have a right to it. Hugs, Marissa.
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