My miscarriage began on Thursday, March 31st. 7w6d, down the drain. Literally.
The cramps were extremely painful. I have mentioned before that sometimes I'm glad of physical pain. This was one of those times. It hurt. It was awful. I would have taken narcotics if offered. But...shouldn't it hurt? No matter that my body had already absorbed some of my baby, I was losing my pregnancy. It was the antithesis of birth. It hurt my soul, it hurt my husband, damn right it should hurt my body.
I spent about 8 hours over 2 days in the bathtub. It helped with the cramps, and frankly, it helped with the copious amount of blood and tissue loss. I would get in for about 45 minutes, drain, rinse in the shower, get out, and repeat an hour or so later. I realize that, objectively speaking, that's probably pretty disgusting. I was soaking in blood, tissue, products of conception. I really did not mind. It helped with the pain, it controlled the smell, I didn't have to feel anything on a pad.
I also "labored" over the toilet, quite a bit. The worst cramps, and I'd run for it. I could feel things leaving my body. I've never, in my history of heavy periods, seen toilet water this red, with almost-black chunks and clots and everything at the bottom.
After two and a half days of that (needless to say, I did not leave the house), I think the worst is passed. I am still cramping and bleeding heavily, but not so much that I'm considering going to the ER. I can wear a tampon, though I'm changing them frequently. I have not taken a pregnancy test to confirm the loss. Not yet.
My clinic has no interest in monitoring me, which I think is a bit strange. I can call them after I get my post-miscarriage period, which they say usually takes 6-8 weeks. Then we can try again. I figure I'll take a test once my bleeding stops, and if it's positive, I'll either call my awful OB, or make an appointment at the new clinic.
JimDear and I want to do a FET with our last 2 embryos. Then we'll move on to IVF at the new clinic. We don't have much hope for our frozen embryos, but we want to give them a shot. I will probably have started nursing school by that point, and it's much easier, and cheaper, than a fresh cycle.
JimDear has been a hero throughout all this. He has done all the housework, brought me water (and tissues) when I needed it, fielded all our phone calls (I asked my family to leave me alone, but they won't), held me, been wonderful. I feel unworthy of his love.
15 comments:
Jesus. You have seriously been stuck in a living nightmare. You are so strong for making it through this. We love you.
I'm so sorry that you had to go through that Marissa. No woman should ever have to go through that and I'll never understand why so many have to. It just isn't fair!
I am, however glad to hear that the worst is behind you and that you can get some closure, grieve, heal and move to your FET cycle. So sorry, friend.
I am just so sorry you are having to go through this. I hate it for you. Sending you peace and love and many many hugs....
I'm so, so very sorry. I cannot begin to imagine the strength and courage it has taken to endure this. I'm thinking of you...
I am so sorry... the loss of your baby is so unfair and it makes me very sad that you are hurting both physically and emotionally. I hope that your next FET is a success and that it will lead to a baby(ies) that you so deserve. Many hugs.
Sending you big huge hugs. I am so sorry that you've had to go through this.
I am so sorry! My thoughts are with you during this difficult time. I agree that it's strange that your clinic doesn't want to monitor your levels and think that you should POAS and call them if it's positive, like you said. Also, for what it's worth, when I had my miscarriage, my doctor told me not to use tampons, just pads. I never asked her why, and it never made any sense to me, but I wanted to pass it along. I'm so sorry you're going through this!
You are sooo worthy of his love! Sending you lots of hugs during this sad time. I'm happy for you that you have a plan in place to try again :)
you are more than worthy of his love. i'm so sorry you have to go through this. but just know that you will achieve your dream. you will. hugs.
Marissa, I'm so sorry. It's a terrible experience. I'm also really kind of shocked that they're not going to monitor you back to zero. The bleeding is terrible - the general rule I was told was this: if you soak more than one pad per hour, you need to seek medical attention.
Also, sometimes, it takes awhile for the pregnancy test to go back to white:(
SO sorry you have to go through this.
I'm so sorry. Take care of yourself. ((hugs))
I'm so sorry. Your post brought back my miscarriage in livid detail. I'm also surprised that your clinic is not more involved. I had to have an US after I passed the 'products of conception' to insure that everything was gone, and constant blood tests. It took me two months to get my period afterwords, so I guess 8 weeks is about right, but you should be seen before then by someone!
I also had embryos in storage, but didn't hold out much hope for them. They survived the thaw, but looked like total crap. It turns out that embryos left over from a fresh cycle where a pregnancy occurred, even if it ended in miscarriage, have a 30% greater chance of a resulting pregnancy. In my case that turned out to be true. I hope that is the case for you as well. My fingers are crossed for your FET, and please, please get checked by a doctor soon.
I am so sorry you are going through this. This is so heart breaking. Take good care of yourself and know that we are all here for you.
I can't imagine what you are going through...its horrible. My heart is breaking for you and I don't even know you. ((HUGS))
I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss. I know it's really hard to deal with right now. Reading your description brought back images of my own losses, and I really feel your pain.
I do have one concern for you, however:
Please please please stop using tampons. If used during an m/c they could cause complications. I hate pads, I get it, but please take that bit of precaution!
*hugs*
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