A girl in my "Formerly Due in Nov" loss support group over on FertilityFriend just announced her pregnancy.
All of the sudden, I can't hang there anymore.
I knew I was the only one of us (and there's a shit-ton) who'd done IVF...but for some reason, I didn't quite realize that it meant those women could get pregnant. Again. Very easily. Without even a single post-miscarriage AF.
I'm not even jealous of those women, I'm just so angry. Infertility has taken so much from me, and now I realize that, even fertiles who miscarry truly will not get it.
I don't think my loss is worse than theirs, it's just that...they can have so many more opportunities to try again. And I can't. Every month is a chance for them, and for almost everyone else in the world, but not for me. I've only actually had two chances this whole year, and next year doesn't look to be any better.
*sigh*
I'm just so tired of this life. I want a fucking baby of my own in my arms.
9 comments:
Ugh. Anger. It's a poison, but how are you supposed to rid yourself of it?
Yeah...after my very fertile BFF had an ectopic earlier this year, I felt so bad for her, but also thought she'd finally understand some of what I've gone thru. But as soon as they started trying again, she got pregnant immediately, again. And then she laments how she couldn't plan the spacing between her kids--because she's Having her second 5 months later than originally planned. Not to minimize her loss, but really? We became parents thru adoption 3 years after we started trying to conceive. I finally got pregnant 3 years after my first loss. It sucks feeling this way, but I totally get it. I'm sorry :(
It's sooooo different when normal fertile people have a m/c. Of course it's still awful, but they have much more hope. They can try again when they want. Whereas we have to make appointments, sort money, book in dates at the mere chance of getting pregnant. Our investment is so huge so much greater than theirs- emotionally, mentally, physically, financially.
Oh, that news must have come like a punch in the gut. Not at all what you need right now! It's always sort of shocking to me to be reminded that getting pregnant just isn't that hard for most people. Hugs if you want them; and I'm so sorry that your support group is having the opposite effect for you. No one needs that!
I have days where I just wake up pissed. I hope today is even just the smallest amount better.
As for clinical shoes, I really want to buy a pair of Dansko's but being a poor nursing student, that's kind of out of my price range for now (at least for shoes.) I actually was telling my family what I needed and my grandmother happened to have a pair of all white new balances. They are super comfy (and really super wide which makes me feel like I'm wearing clown shoes.)
im angry for you too. and for all of us. its so draining and energy sucking. some how, even though we are still on this path, its important to find balance and other places in our life that do give us some energy back. hugs.
Oh Marissa,
This is so hard, and continues to be so hard. I am so sorry that you are dealing with all of this pain and loss. Wishing that I had some words of comfort to share, but sometimes, it just really sucks.
-Foxy
I have had this evil thought that those who have never had issues with fertility, or never had a miscarriage, or never had critically ill newborns aren't really "real" moms. I know that the length of time it took for us to get pregnant again after our loss compounded my misery and anger. I was sure getting pregnant again was the only thing that would make me feel better, yet there was nothing we could do to make it happen faster. It sucked. I'm so sorry you are there.
Hugs to you, Marissa. Those groups are a double-edged sword. And when your circumstances aren't like those of other people in them...well, it can be very hard.
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