(Pre-)Easter Dinner

I have a niece (step-brother and wife's child). They announced their pregnancy shortly after our 2nd failed "natural" cycle. So back in the good old days, before we knew we were infertile. But I think I knew, despite reassuring myself after that 2nd period that "3-6 months is totally normal". I experienced pregnancy-jealousy for the very first time. I felt like they'd stolen our baby. After we got home, I cried for the first time in our TTC journey.

(Also, can I just say that my step-bro is 5 years younger than I am, and she is 6, and he still doesn't have a steady job and has recently decided to go "back to school for a Ph.D", despite not even having a Bachelor's? This plan involves taking classes at community college to boost his GPA. She's a teacher. They're good parents, but...come on. She was an accident, they weren't ready. *sigh*)

I don't actually want Baby A as my own. But because of the timing of her conception, she is a living reminder of everything I do not have. From the pregnancy to the birth to the talking, walking toddler. She is the exact age as our baby should be. Not to mention, they stole my girl name and gave it to her. (Not exactly--I wanted the French version, they went with the Italian version, but still, means I can't use it and it's the same except the very last letter.)

I hate myself as I type this, by the way. I realize how bitter and petty I sound. I wish I could change how I feel.

Honestly, for the most part, it hasn't been that bad. She's adorable. My sister-in-law is the coolest person in my whole family about our IF. She lets me be the doting aunt when I want to, or not visit them for months. She always asks if Baby A is welcome at whatever we're doing if I planned it or am hosting it.

But this dinner was awful. I still can't sleep.

It started at 4. My husband couldn't come till 5. It was the first time I've seen Baby A since the miscarriage. I arrived at the exact same time they did. I couldn't get out of my car and inside fast enough. No helping them, nothing. I tried talking to other people, but...my family just gravitates to the baby. All conversations are about her. All eyes are upon her. I'm really not exaggerating here.

I was trying to talk to my older sister about how her husband's grant was denied, etc. She said a few sentences to me, then talked over me, to my mom, about "how amazing" Baby A is. Because she takes naps without screaming when she gets put down.

I ran out of the room crying. I locked myself in the bathroom and did not come out for...I don't even know. Probably about 20 minutes. I just couldn't.

I didn't talk to anyone until my husband showed up. I just kept my eyes on the ground. As soon as he showed up, dinner was served.

My mom had just gotten a new high chair for Baby A. They had to figure out how to put her in it, and everyone had to comment on how cute she looked next to the polka-dotted background. Every food passed was weighted and discussed based on if she could eat it yet, would she like it, etc.

We left after dessert, but before anyone got up from the table.

I cried again in the car driving home, and several more times tonight.

As soon as I am done with nursing school, we are moving. We've discussed moving to a mandated state more than once. We decided tonight. We're assuming I won't be pregnant by then. Seems safe, as my program is only 15 months long. Selling the house might be tricky, but whatever. Looks like Illinois, Maryland, or Massachusetts are the best places to go if you need IVF. I guess that's where we're going.

I suspect that my older sister is already trying to get pregnant. My doctor-sister, to whom I am still not speaking, is making an unexpected trip out for Mother's Day. I fully expect her to say she's gotten engaged. I know she wants children soon.

I cannot live in the same state as my family and deal with infertility at the same time.