People love to comment on twin pregnancies. Which, frankly, I really can't blame them. I mean, hang around the ALI community long enough and twins are run-of-the-mill. But go beyond our community, and they're really not. So when you question a woman about her pregnancy (and yes--any pregnancy gets questions and comments) and she reveals that she's having TWO babies, I get the knee-jerk reaction of "Wow--[insert comment here]".
The thing is, I'm reminded of when I waitressed in high school. I cannot even tell you how many "smart" replies I got to, "Can I get you anything else?" (I was, by the way, working at a diner-type place, so really, what was I expecting?) After a couple of weeks, I'd heard everything. The comments the customers thought were so clever were simply old hat. And as well-intentioned as they were, it's only so funny to joke about sexual favors or me paying your bill or whatever.
Likewise, "Oh, my neighbor's daughter has twins". What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? Ask for her number? Especially when they go on to add things like, "She was so huge near the end" or "she needed a C-section" or "you could see those babies moving like aliens in there" or "and they're never having any more children ever". I know they're just trying to relate to me, but these stories, much like "Well, my cousin couldn't get pregnant for 8 years and then they stopped trying and then she got pregnant!", don't really leave much room for my own experience. I can't relate back. And I really doubt that the speaker, who is never the parent of multiples (or infertile), knows the whole story. I mean, I can imagine my own cousins relating my pregnancy, which they know from Facebook, "I have a cousin who's pregnant with twin boys. Everything's going great!"
But the "double" and "twice" comments. Those I really don't even feel like trying with. "Double trouble!" "Twice the fun!" "Double diapers!" I've heard it. Trust me, I've heard it. Yes, there are indeed two babies in there. And they are, like it or not, going to be a "set" from now on. But this notion that they are somehow just double or twice a "regular" baby really sets my teeth on edge, for some reason.
The worst, the absolute worst, is "Two for the price of one."
I don't know what the fuck people mean by that. If they're alluding to fertility treatments, guess what: I did more than one embryo transfer, more than one fresh IVF, and we paid for that. Both financially and emotionally. The RE didn't just toss a 2nd baby in as a prize pack. And if they mean two for the price of one pregnancy...ugh. Technically, it's two pregnancies (ask any OB), just at the same time. And "price of one" would only be fair if the risks to me and my babies were simply the normal risks any pregnancy carries. Maybe I wouldn't have had HG with a singleton. I highly doubt I would be on bedrest.
But the reason I hate this comment so very much is because of Isaiah. His due date is right around the corner (Nov 11). Blog friends who were cycling around that time are full term or have already given birth. And the simple facts are: if I hadn't lost Isaiah, I wouldn't have Damien and Atticus. And when I hear that comment, that's right where my brain goes.
It wasn't voluntary. I didn't choose to swap one healthy baby for two. Isaiah, as much as he was wanted, as much as he was and is loved, almost certainly had insurmountable issues. He didn't develop for a reason, and not a metaphysical reason or an "everything happens for a reason" reason, but rather a genetic/chromosomal reason. Or possibly, not likely but still possibly, a uterine/bloodflow/my-fault reason. But that doesn't change anything, really, when it comes to the simple fact of me either being 38 weeks pregnant or 21. I can't be both at the same time.
Isaiah is not the price we paid for Atticus and Damien. He's not. We never would have made that decision. But when I hear that comment, I go straight to "I had one baby, lost him, and now I have two."
I hope I never hear that comment again.
I can't wait to hear the bullshit "Do they have psychic powers" or "Have they got their own language" or whatever else instead. I can't wait to have two live babies in my arms. Healthy, full-term babies. Please.
6 comments:
I can only imagine how frustrating it is to hear all that. I like how you likened the scenario to IF in some respects, which I can understand. People just don't always know what to say, plain and simple. *hugs*
First of all I am very sorry for your loss of Isaiah. I can only imagine how difficult that must have been for you.
I am a proud mom of b/g twins and I totally understand your annoyance with certain comments. Just wait until they are born and you venture out in public...you will be amazed at what some people say. I think people are just fascinated with twins and have stereotypical things running around in their heads and they just blurt them out when they see an opportunity. My friend sent me this youtube video and it could not be more accurate:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tT-lgB_HGEE
Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy. May it be long and boring! Before you know it you'll be enjoying a wonderful new life with your boys.
Katie
Just keep telling yourself: people are idiots. People are idiots. They can't think of anything to say, but keeping quiet doesn't seem to be an option, so they say something monumentally stupid like "double trouble!"
Ugh. People are so stupid.
Yeah, it just keeps getting worse, unfortunately. What I really hate is the people who want to know all about your reproductive business. Then people want to know which one is the 'quiet twin' or which one is your favorite. I always get "boy, you sure have your hands full" hence the title of my blog ;)
Oh, the annoying twin comments, and they can be quite hurtful. Now I find people go straight to just asking a one word question: "IVF?" One woman who made that remark has quite large plasticy breasts. I wish I had replied "Boob job?" It's just as rude a question!!!!
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