I've blogged about her before. She's the one I had an awful fight with right before starting my 2nd fresh IVF cycle. I love her. She's...special. If she were a child now, she would probably be labeled as mild Asperger's, or perhaps PPD-NOS. Even as a child, when making friends just happens on the playground, it never happened with her. She would play with me and my friends. She is socially impaired. I don't know how else to put it. Tone-deaf, might be the best analogy. She cannot read situations. She says really horrible, hurtful things. And then she feels bad about them afterwards. She doesn't have very many friends (really, no friends at all, aside from some college friends), and this makes her sad. She does have an awesome husband. She's actually, most of the time, very fun to be around. She's smart. She means well.
We did not get along when it came to my infertility. To put it mildly. She said so many hurtful things, even before we moved on to IVF. She once told me it was funny that I wasn't pregnant, since I wanted it so baldy and had planned it so well. She once said, when we were watching an end-of-the-world survival drama, the very day I told her our first IVF had failed, that she didn't need to be able to cook or clean, because her contribution to society would "just be to have children". I mean, the list goes on. She's my sister, she loves me and I love her, but...damn, did I hate her sometimes.
When I told her about my failed FET, and she said, "I know, I'm not pregnant either, and it sucks"...and then told me how that was her first month trying, and...yeah. I lost it. But it also gave me the kick in the ass to call my clinic, to not take time off. So, in a way, part of why I'm currently 11w2d pregnant is because of her.
And she's not at all pregnant. And is starting to worry about infertility herself. (She's 34, this is their 4th cycle.) She came over today. We talked about it. I gave her the 20 or so left-over OPKs that I had (I had to buy them for my FETs, to make sure I didn't surge, and of course I went the internet-cheapie route). I told her to start taking her temperature. I debated telling her about FertilityFriend, but decided not to, because it would be very easy to find me on the message boards, and I value my online anonymity over there.
Anyway, it's strange. An evil part of me is glad she is kind of struggling. I know she never meant to hurt me, but part of me really wants her to begin to understand just how much harm her words did. And...until I have these babies in my arms, I don't feel safe. I mean, if I lose them and she's pregnant...just awful, awful, I will quit the whole damn family. But, on the other hand, the good hand, I do love her, and infertility really sucks. I hope she's not infertile. I hope they don't need help. But...I hope they "get it", a little bit. You know?
3 comments:
Hmm that does sound asby-like. You are a very good sister for helping her out, even if it kinda stings a little :) Ms. Karma will be good to you :) 11wk 2days??? AWESOME. :)
Yes, I know what you mean. I catch myself desperately wishing my friends would have trouble conceiving. Maybe not as much trouble as we've bad, but just like six months or so to buy me a little time so I can be pregnant when they announce they are. It's selfish but it certainly would help me out.
Oh do I know! You have every right to feel the way you do. My brother & SIL got pregnant on their second month trying w/ my niece (who is now 3). Then they got pregnant on their FIRST month trying w/ their next baby who is due next week. (BTW, my SIL just turned 40!) I meanwhile suffered through 4 failed IVF's. I, praise God, have had my own happy ending, with a healthy 21 month old son, so I can't complain. But part of me REALLY wanted them to have to work at getting pregnant for once! I remind myself that everyone is fighting their own battles. IF is just one of our's.
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