According to some, I am in my 2nd trimester. Considering that it's twins, I am very likely in fact (especially since I'm 5 days in to the week) one-third of the way through my pregnancy.
And...this is why I'm having a hard time not hating myself: I'm not liking being pregnant. I am thrilled at the notion of babies entering my life. And I love every ultrasound I get, and secretly wish I could move into the MFM office for easier access. And when the Doppler picks up that galloping sound of Baby Heart and my husband and I hold hands, that I love. But the rest of it...not so much.
I know that I do genuinely have it worse (physically) than most pregnant women. Only 1-2% of us are lucky enough to land hyperemesis (and it's more common when you're carrying multiples, though singleton mommies get it as well). And frankly, feeling like shit each and every day gets old. Waking up in the middle of the night and wondering if you can pee before you puke (puking with a full bladder is not fun) really sucks. I am far, far too familiar with the color of my digestive enzymes. I've lost almost 20 pounds. And yes, I was overweight to begin with...but 20 pounds in about 2 months (when it really got bad)...that is absurd. I have an appointment with my regular OB this afternoon, and I'm afraid she's going to yell at me for it. I can't even look at the nutrition section of my baby book without feeling guilt. I'm pretty sure I'm getting my vitamins down (along with chocolate milk), through very careful timing and pure will. (I've mastered the art of delaying my vomiting for almost 5 minutes now.)
And the SCH is just a kick in the ass. A reminder that things might not end well. That more blood could follow. So don't get too comfy.
I always wanted to be pregnant. I mean, always. I loved being Mary in our Christmas pageants because she was pregnant for most of it. My grandparents recently gave us an old videotape (turned DVD) of a bunch of their grandchildren playing--we're putting on a fashion show and I'm modeling maternity (calling it "the Charlotte look", after my then-pregnant (incredibly awesome) aunt, and, by the way, if we have a girl, Charlotte is her middle name). I'm about 8 in this, with a hugely stuffed belly. The primary reason we did IVF over adoption was because I wanted to experience pregnancy.
And here I am...and it's nothing like I thought. It has become a means to an end. I still hope, very hard, that things change. That my HG goes away and I can enjoy this. That when I feel movement, I will become a joyful gestater. That (I'm crazy, I admit) both of them turn head-down and I get a vaginal birth and it's wonderful.
And meanwhile, I've only got two-thirds left. And while I am hoping, with every fiber of my being, that I get those full two-thirds, part of me is already wishing them away, wanting to fastforward just to babies.
I feel so guilty. I'm a shitty person. I worked so hard for this--I really, really did. The money, the cancelled cycles, the cycles themselves, none of that was easy. And I got what I wanted! And all I can think is, "Ok, I'll never do it myself, but I can kinda see why some women bitch about this on Facebook."
I try very hard to focus on the positive. And for this reason, my husband and I did indeed "come out". We put up an announcement on Facebook, saying that, after much effort, heartache, and loss, I have entered the 2nd trimester. I've gotten over 50 comments and multiple emails. Most people knew we were trying. Some knew about Isaiah. Some, like an old friend of my mother's, knew nothing at all, but immediately knew what I was saying. She moved when I was about 12, but had been very close to all of us, an almost-aunt, before. She tried IVF, almost 15 years ago, to no avail. Tried everything. Is living childfree. Wishes me the best. And some, of course, are absolute idiots, and somehow missed the "effort" and the "twins"--2 neon signs flashing "fertility treatments"--and made oh-so-clever comments about the wild and crazy sex we must have had.
We might go shopping. Window-browsing. Carseats are on the menu. I've got a Honda Civic, so finding 2 that can fit in the backseat is our goal. I'm going to buy some maternity clothes, from a real live store. I will enjoy this--goddamnit!--because it is going by so fast. This might be my only chance at a 2nd trimester, after all.
12 comments:
I wrote a post about this on my blog :) Don't feel guilty that pregnancy sucks!!! Getting pregnant is hard, being pregnant is harder, and being a parent of two newborns is the hardest. It doesn't really matter how hard you've tried, or how grateful you are. Those facts don't make a hard pregnancy suck any less. It doesn't matter how much it is longed for, it doesn't make breastfeeding twins easier, or the lack of sleep easier to take.
You have arrived! Now, feel free to complain with the rest of us. I'm giving you a guilt free pass.:)
Marissa, I really related to this post. Although I don't have HG, I have had all-day-long nausea (& associated GI upset) and extreme fatigue since 6 weeks, and it's been really, really hard. I have to say that, so far, I have not enjoyed being pregnant. Sure, I'm thrilled that we have two healthy babies growing, after over three years of trying to achieve pregnancy, and I know that we are so fortunate that our first DE IVF cycle worked. But none of that changes the fact that it sucks to feel like crap all the time.
And like you, I feel guilty every time I read about what I should be eating to give our twins the best chance at good birth weights. I am lucky if I am able to get in 1500 calories a day (in small, frequent meals), let alone what is recommended.
I hope that your HG subsides soon and you are able to enjoy your pregnancy more.
I'm so sorry it's awful. Even though I desperately want to be pregnant, I have nothing but sympathy for you because it sounds terrible. I really hope things turn around and you can start enjoying it.
HUGS!! :( I hope it eases soon.. My friend that went through IVF also suffered from this (singleton) and took zofran just to have regular "all day sickness" by 14 weeks she was much better so hang in there!
I am a joyful gestator and I feel guilty that I have it so easy when others don't. I would never, ever resent someone's right to complain about their pregnancy symptoms, because I know not everyone's body cooperates cheerfully with the experience. I'm only sorry that people for whom the experience is such a hard-won one can't rest on those laurels and enjoy.
Having twins is SO MUCH harder - your body is doing twice the work, and it's not really something that we're really evolved to do, by and large.
It's totally unfair that some women get hit with the HG stick and others don't. You should know that I have a friend who had bad HG (with a singleton), who also lost roughly the same amount of weight (she just fell short of her personal goal of getting back to prepreg weight at the start of the third trimester). She ended up having a very healthy, very strapping girl who is super-smart and very precocious... in spite of crap nutrition when her HG was really bad. Don't feel guilty. Do what you can, and resolve to be really kind to your body postpartum so it can restock those nutrient stores depleted by the babies.
Pregnancy is hard, and it doesn't make you bad or ungrateul to be struggling with such awful symptoms! Like S, I had all-day sickness and exhaustion from 6-16 weeks--then the nausea passed but the exhaustion didn't, and now that I'm 33 weeks I've been dealing with insomnia and just general pains and discomfort since probably around 24 weeks. And I'm only pregnant with one, but I have a toddler to care for while also trying to work from home, so still not easy! I maybe had 8 weeks in there when I wasn't miserable? And yet, I'm also of course overjoyed to be pregnant after 4.5 years of striving to get here, and so grateful that our first DE IVF worked. I used to get so mad at fertiles who would complain to me about their pregnancy symptoms when I would have done anything to experience that--and I still think it was wrong of them to complain to ME, knowing all I'd been thru, but at the same time, they weren't wrong--pregnancy is tough, and while it's totally worth it for the babies at the end, I have to admit that bringing our son home without ever having suffered any of the symptoms was actually pretty awesome (yay, adoption!) But of course I will gladly suffer whatever I have to for the sake of this long-awaited baby. All of which is to say, don't feel bad about admitting that you're feeling bad :) And hope the second tri is kinder!
....I don't even know what to say that's not cliche and patronizing. Ugh. I never have the right words but. I am sorry that this has been SUCh a rough pregnancy. And i do KNOW that it will barely be a memory once you get those two babes out here in the world with yu and your husband. But...then again none of those words or thoughts are probably going to make you feel much better. But i do hope things ease up for you so you can just be an obnoxiously happy preggo rubbing her belly and picking out travel systems. It's still very possible.
*hugs* Sorry to hear you are feeling miserable. My cousin had twins and I saw how much she suffered with hypermesis. :( I hope that things pick up for you soon and you can enjoy feeling those 2 little bubbas moving around inside of you. In the mean time, be kind to yourself. Your body is working overtime (x2) to help those little ones thrive. xx
Oh I hope you feel better soon!!! I've been wanting to throw up so I could feel this was real, but then I think about how bad you and some other girls have it and Im like "Hmmm maybe Ill pass." Im so proud of you for "coming out" on fb and for going shopping this weekend! You deserve it :)
Go and have fun shopping, Girl! it's your long-deserved time to enjoy this ride and celebrate those little beans:)
I am so very excited and happy for you!
You are not a shitty person! If anything, the fact that you worked so hard for this should mean you get extra allowances to moan about a hard pregnancy.
After all, it doesn't seem fair that you should have a hard time getting pregnant and then for that hard-won pregnancy to bite you in the arse.
I will hope that this balance will be rectified by you having a real easy labour and that your babies will sleep through the night right off!
You're soooooo not a shitty person. The reality (especially of that first trimester) can be so different from what we expect/hope for. And, no, that does not mean we don't want to be here. We want - and have wanted it - with body and soul. But you've been dealt an especially short stick on the hyperemesis front.
The good thing is that the chances are overwhelmingly in your favor that it WILL get better.
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