I wish I could just copy and past my blogs from the early part of my last pregnancy. I was so happy. Please don't get me wrong--I'm exceedingly happy this time as well. But it's different.
I think, last time, I didn't fully get it. I remember, at times, feeling like I was playing one big game of "Let's Pretend IVF Works!" I was pregnant, I called my doctor-sister and my mommy almost right away, I told my whole family and we all hugged, I was tickled pink the first time I puked, I went into maternity stores (and even bought a new bra and a maternity shirt) and tried on clothes with the fake belly. I was walking on air, and even my RE's concern about my betas couldn't dampen it. And once I saw that it was intrauterine, forget it. There was no way in hell i was coming off of my cloud.
Of course, I was terrified of miscarrying. I don't think you can hang around the ALI community and not be. An old high school friend of mine announced her pregnancy on Facebook. She was due 2 days before me (and has 4 previous children...), and I was like, "Wow, isn't she afraid of putting that out there?" This I said to my best friend. Whom I'd told right away, of course. I mean, I was scared. But either I didn't truly get it, or I just didn't actually really truly think it would happen to me.
I did not look at the ultrasound screen and think, "please, don't turn it off yet, this may be the last time I see my baby." No, I thought, "I can't wait to see him grow!" I got nervous sometimes reading my pregnancy book, but I never thought, "I will never make it to the third trimester section, may as well just rip that right out." I worried about managing the birth, school, and work. I never worried about taking a week off work so I could wait to miscarry at home. I was timid, but overly hopeful. I would never have said, "miscarriages happen to other women, not me", but I also never would have said, "This pregnancy will end in tears, way, way, way too early."
This time...I am very cognisant of all of that. I don't want a second beta because I don't want any bad news. There's nothing we could do anyway. (My RE did recommend increasing my progesterone, and I am. Despite my insurance deciding not to cover progesterone after all. I'm fucking pissed about that, by the way, and furious. And we're so short on money right now that the damn Crinone might just break our credit card. Fuck. Anyway...)
The point is, my first thought is not "I can't wait to see the doubling time!" It's "I just don't even want to know, nothing good will come of knowing." I'm not looking forward to our ultrasound even though I'm dying to know if it's one or two. I'm not even sure we'll make it to the ultrasound, frankly.
In pharmacology class on Thursday, we were studying medications for hypertension and certain cardiac conditions. At one point, the professor asked, "And what happens to a pregnant woman?" (meaning, of course, things like increased blood flow, increased cardiac demand, etc.) A smart-assed guy (whom I'm actually rather fond of), goes "Well she gives birth to a baby."
Everyone laughed, but my very first response was, "Not always."
Not always??? For fuck's sake. I was sitting in class, pregnant. And my first thought is, "No, pregnant women don't necessarily give birth."
I wish that wasn't what I thought. I wish I'd thought something like, "I can't wait!" or "Maybe it's two!" or "We need to buy a crib" or anything remotely normal.
I realize anyone who's not pregnant right now and is reading this probably wants to smack me over the head, because don't I know how lucky I am and shut the fuck up already.
And that, I think, is the problem. Last time, it never quite sunk in. I didn't fully realize how much I loved my baby, and thus how much it would hurt to lose him. I could imagine everything about motherhood except the failure to fully achieve that status. But this time, oh god, this time I know. I love my baby (my babies?) more than anything. I would cut off my arms to keep them. I cannot fathom breathing without them. And it's wonderful, but also terrifying. I love them so much and I cannot keep them safe. I can try, but I can't do everything. I cannot reach inside and rearrange their chromosomes, 23 matching pairs, please. I cannot control my blood flow, or the development of their tiny placenta(s). I'm so powerless. I know everything I have to lose, and that makes enjoying every moment with what I have somewhat bittersweet.
Ignorance truly is bliss, and I want it back.
9 comments:
OMG, this EXACTLY... This is what I am feeling, minus the being pregnant part... SO sad about our recent chemical pregnancy and terrified of what comes next that we won't make it to the "what's next"... Praying for you.. All you can do is take it one day at a time until you get to a point where you won't be counting the days any longer.. And that day WILL COME..{{HUGS}}
Ohhhh ignorance sure is bliss :( Sometimes I get really angry that I know what can happen. That I will be aware of every single little thing when I get pregnant again. It sucks. I'm jealous of all the women who DON'T even think about beta numbers, or progesterone or maybe or (maybe not) seeing something on the ultrasound. I feel like infertility makes your know things that a "normal" pregnant woman wouldnt even think about. Its so sad. The other day I was explaining something at work about IVF and how it works, etc. And some of the girls were like "Wowww I didnt know what exactly has to happen for a baby to be conceived." I felt like I was teaching a class on how the female reproductive system works. Well, I am still hoping and praying for you :)
Oh, man, I am totally right there with you on it being hard to be pregnant after a loss (or more). This pregnancy has been so different from my wife's pregnancy with our son, in many of the ways you describe. It has, however, gotten easier with time and I really hope that's also true for you.
I took the opposite approach from you in terms of demanding as much data as possible (and plotting it all in Excel), but really, you're right there's nothing you can do at this point, so I think your approach is probably more sensible. Just try to remind yourself that with every hurdle and milestone you pass, the odds of a take-home baby steadily improve.
Marissa - you are able to express your feelings so well on this. I had a miscarriage at 9 weeks 2 years ago and it totally takes your innocence away. It is normal to feel the way you do after experiencing a traumatic loss. I guess all you can really do at this point is pray for the release of your fears and to accept whatever happens. You are doing everything that you could possible do to make this work. I hope that everything goes well for you.
You wrote this so eloquently and pretty much summed up all my thoughts! This is eaxctly how I have been feeling. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and putting it out there. I hope we both get to take our babies home this time round. xx
If you would like, I can give you unopened crinone from my last cycle. I have almost two boxes. I totally get the money crunch! I won't be able to mail it for another week tho, I'm not home. If you are interested, email me at Birdolove@gmail.com.
I TOTALLY get it. I'm coming from the POV of an RPLer - so I'm lucky to be able to get those BFP's. But I can't help but constantly be jealous of those blissfully pregnant women who haven't had their hopes shattered. I think the one thing that sucks the most about miscarriage is that loss of innocence - that you know you won't be able to breathe until that baby comes out of you fully grown and healthy.
Still as hard as it is - and trust me, I know it's hard! Try to take care of yourself and enjoy this pregnancy - just a little!
Everything you said makes complete sense. It is so hard to deal with ignorant comments on top of everything you've been through. I am hoping that blissful ignorance leads to a wonderful outcome for you.
This makes total sense. I hope that eventually you're able to get some of the joy back, but of course you're going through this with a new perspective and it makes total sense that you'd be feeling such a mixed bag.
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