My doctor-sister says that, at four weeks, 100-700 is considered normal. I am at 4.5 weeks. For those commenters who are saying that "first betas" and "over 50" and such...please remember that my "first beta" is 3 days later than average. Than anyone I've encountered, frankly, except for those who do it on 15 days (I am 17) because 14 was on a Sunday.
Something is wrong. I am pinning my hopes on a vanishing twin (how else to explain the early HPTs and the puking?). But I just don't know. And how sad is it that my hope is to have ONE dead embryo instead of two? For god's sake. Who hopes for a dead baby?
But I haven't thrown in the towel.
Part of me really thinks this is my punishment for being so happy this past week. I don't know where that is coming from--I don't believe in God or karma or whatever--but I can't shake it. I feel like I "went overboard" with my happiness and so now it is being taken away. Like I brought this upon myself.
I am trying to be hopeful. But I just hurt so bad inside.
10 comments:
Marissa, I am so sorry to discover this news on your blog. I experienced an early m/c last fall after IVF#3 so I know the heartbreak. But it's not your fault. This is not karma (I don't believe in that either), and you haven't done anything wrong.
This waiting sucks doesn't it? When you think it's over but you aren't completely sure yet. You're right -- it hurts. ((hugs))
I'm so very sorry. I know how terrifying, frustrating, and hurtful this is. I had the same feeling... just when I gave in and started hoping and being excited, things took a very bad turn. So initially I started wondering and asking questions -- what had I done wrong? Was it because I finally let that wall come down and gave in to the hope and joy? At very least I certainly brought the pain upon myself by letting my guard down.
I'm still working through it. But in the short retrospective period I've had, I think the joy and the excitement were good to have. No matter how short lived, for that time, I was connecting to the life that was growing in me, and I won't ever regret that.
I am very much hoping for you that your baby is still on the way and growing within you. Hang in there. I felt very much alone, but there is a community of women who understand and care that is here for you.
Marissa, I'm so sorry. And the beating yourself up over the happiness? You're not alone in that. Sometimes, it's hard not to draw those conclusions. But you've got to know that if this does not end well you did NOTHING to cause this.
And I'm still guarding hope for you. There are statistical outliers who fall below 100, even at 4 weeks, 3 days. That's why they insist on a second beta. It's just too difficult to go by that one number alone. Hugs to you. And hopes.
I'm sorry you're hurting. You did NOTHING to cause this...There is absolutely nothing wrong with being hopeful and happy.
I hope you get a second beta soon and its a nice big number.
Oh Marissa, I know you'll have to find the right place within yourself to believe it, but I'm with the other girls. It's not your fault, and you're not being punished. Punishment for happiness just doesn't make any sense - It was YOUR RIGHT to be happy, YOU EARNED that joy. And feeling any thing else, wouldn't have changed a thing.
I won't give you a miracle story, I'll just tell you I think you have the right idea by not giving up yet.
Sending warm peaceful vibes your way...
I'm so sorry about all of this. It just really sucks. And in no way did you bring this upon yourself....
Hoping for the best....
I don't know what it is about IF that makes us feel like we're not allowed to ever be happy or excited. It's like an electric fence or something! You got not one not 2 but several positive pregnancy tests and you were and are absolutely allowed to celebrate, and be thankful, and joyful, and relieved about it all day every day.
And until the fat lady sings...you have a right to hang on to that hope and excitement.
When is your next beta? I am hoping for doubling numbers- stay strong!
My heart goes out to you. You are not being punished for being so happy. Please don't think like that. The world doesn't work like that and you know it!!!!!
When do you test again?
First- this is NOT punishment for ANYTHING and you did not bring this on yourself :( So please dont think that. Keep a good grip on that towel girl! :) Thinking of you and hoping for some good news.
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