7dp5dt: Surreal

The lines continue to darken. I took a digital pregnancy test this morning and it flashed "pregnant" at me. (I was extremely dismayed to read in the instructions that the battery--or whatever it is that powers it--will only last "about a day". I want to keep this test. It's way more awesome than my internet strips. But only, you know, while it's alive.)

My husband is hilarious. Every time I go to the bathroom (which is somewhat often, since I drink a ton of water), he asks if I tested. I had to explain to him about holding it in, and all that. But he still keeps asking! This from the man who didn't want to see my earlier tests because he didn't want to get his hopes up. He suggested I buy more, since I've only got about 5 (he peeked at my stash!) left and "you'll want to keep testing till the heartbeat, right?" What a cutie.

I don't know if I'm having any symptoms. I switched (thank god!) to PIO on 2-3dp5dt, so I can either ascribe everything to that, or to my growing embryo(s?). I've got crazy dreams, the occasional cramp, increased sex drive (not doing "it" though, because I'm chickenshit), and...long and intense fits of joy. And the giggles.

I sometimes have intense doubt. I want this so badly, and I have been wanting it so badly for quite some time (not comparing length of TTC journey with anyone here, I'm simply stating that I have always wanted to be a mommy). Now that I am so close to it, I am terrified it will once again be snatched away. I know so many, many things can go wrong.

But I'm also a little scared by how easily I forget that. I've told my mother, my doctor-sister (who, despite our rocky relationship this fall, wants to fly out and give me my heartbeat ultrasound), and all the internet. My husband and I had an honest-to-god conversation about diapers last night.

I bought the Anji pregnancy meditations. I bought the Mayo Clinic pregnancy book. (I like it because all the reviews say it tells you "way more than you need to know". Those reviewers do not know me and my need to know, and the fact that I am considering robbing the embryologist of all his textbooks on early development.)

And my husband got a totally unexpected raise.

It seems like the good news just keeps coming.

Which can terrify me, of course. I don't want the gods to decide we've got too much happiness, that somehow they mistakenly gave us something good when they meant to give it to the fertile couple down the street. (I don't believe in gods, but, well, this is making me all a bit superstitious. I want my tarot cards read, too.)

My clinic only does one beta, on 17DPO. I'm considering going to get one on 14DPO from a LabCorp or Planned Parenthood. (I researched this after my last awful experience, when I knew I was not pregnant, and my clinic would not let me come in "early" to test.) This way, I can have a "doubling time" like everyone else on the internet seems to get. Which would be awesome if it's good and dreadful if it's bad.

I have a lot of emotions: guilt (when I think of everyone who hasn't yet gotten their BFP), joy, disbelief, worry, anger (that I can't just enjoy this and that I had to do ART in the first place), joy, joy, and joy.

I am overcome. I want this baby--these babies?--to make it. I want it all.