5w6d: Two Secrets

I have kept two big secrets from you guys.

The first: I spotted/bled on Monday. It was beyond terrifying. I figured my pregnancy was, indeed, ectopic, and that the end was near. I didn't write about it, because I was too scared, too sad. I just held my breath until my ultrasound. And, of course, my clinic was running late. I sat numbly in the chair, waiting, while my husband held my hand. I just kept thinking "this is so unfair, so horrible, this simply cannot be happening".

And then it wasn't happening. I cried when I saw the black dot in my uterus. I was so relieved. I felt like I'd been given a second chance. So when my clinic suggested I add Crinone back into the mix, I didn't hesitate. Yes, I will stick that goopy, crumbly, gross shit up my vagina. How many times a day? Only once? Are you sure? Because it's a small price to pay.

And the spotting is gone, the bleeding is gone, when I "evacuate" the Crinone each morning, it is...well, not pink.

That is how Monday was the worst morning and afternoon, but best evening, of my life.

My second secret: I'm glad it's not twins. Before I go on, let me say I would of course welcome twins. I put two embryos back, after all. I have no known medical reason to not carry twins. And twins are so cute, and if we had twins, we might be done building our family right then. I could buy a double stroller! So yes, I am not entirely opposed to twins.

However.

Twin pregnancies are riskier. Twin pregnancies are much less likely to go full term, and much more likely to require time in the NICU. Twin pregnancies can knock you on your ass, what with the increased everything. And twin births are harder. Twins are much more likely to need a C-section. Sections are great and life-saving to moms and babies, but not my first choice. I want as few medications and interventions as possible (but still going to a hospital, not doing it at home!), and I would very much like to take my baby home with me, rather than visiting it in the NICU.

And, to be honest, twins are expensive. No hand-me-downs. Two of everything. Difficult (I imagine) to breastfeed. Difficult to carry at the same time. I bet you get less sleep. I bet the diaper-changing consumes your whole life. I admire moms of multiples. I'm sure I could rise to the challenge if I needed to, but I'm kind of relieved I won't have to test that.

I feel a bit guilty feeling like this. After all, I did love both my embryos, and do wish both of them had made it. But having only one will be easier, and I feel a bit let off the hook.

So yeah. Those are my secrets.