5w2d: How I've Been Coping

I keep thinking of things I want to write, but then I'm at work or with people and then, when I have time to write, I've just gotten another shitty beta.

So here, in my pre-ultrasound, beta-less day, I will blog.

Last Saturday, when I was filled with joy, I found out a woman about 45 minutes away was having a bog cloth diaper garage sale. She also owns a cloth diaper store and was having steep discounts on some new items as well. I've been very interested in cloth diapering for several years, and brought it up when JimDear suggested we start stocking up on (disposable) diapers now so the cost wouldn't hit us all at once. He was...not entirely excited about the idea, but willing to consider it. So I went to the sale, just to get a feel of cloth diapering (I'd never even seen a cloth diaper in person before). To say I fell in love is an understatement.

I came home with about 12 diapers--most new, some used--for less than $80. I got ones in every style--prefolds, covers, pockets, fitteds, all-in-ones. Adorable. I spent over an hour an and half at this sale, marvelling that I would soon have a tiny bum to put in tiny diapers. I told the woman that I was pregnant with my first, and she got all excited for me. I was so happy. I showed JimDear my "stash" and he immediately said YES! He was envisioning the old-school, pin-and-rinse-in-the-toilet kind, and thinks these will be wonderful.

Now, when I am feeling sad, I go into the guest room and hold some of my diapers. I snap and un-snap (or applix and un-applix) them, stuff and un-stuff them, stroke the soft velour, marvel that some of them are actually made from bamboo. This cheers me up without fail. I also "research" on the internet. Which means I've bought another 3 diapers. But from now on, I'm just browsing, I swear.

One way or another, sooner or later, I will have a baby to diaper.

I also bought a maternity bra. I needed a new bra--despite my low betas, my breasts are sure growing--and figured why the hell not. I bought this new bra at Motherhood yesterday. It was the first time I've been in that store. I tried on a whole ton of clothing with their fake-belly thing velcroed around my waist. I looked adorable. I only felt sad at the end, when I was checking out with only the bra. I want a belly to pet while I talk to the baby. This gave me an idea of what I would look like, how others would see me. Just like a mommy-to-be. Which I am, for the time being at the very least.

I've cried about three times. I've moped a lot. I've done way too much research--both in my trusty Mayo book and online--on ectopics. I really don't want one. To say the least.

I've called my sister after every beta. She is surprising me by doing some research. MFI, it turns out, can cause low betas. (It can also cause blighted ovums. (Ovi?) Let's hope my embryologist choose some good ones.) ICSI can cause lower betas. FETs can cause lower betas. 5-day-transfers have lower betas, on average, than 3-days. And boys might have lower numbers than girls. We have MFI, did ICSI, did a FET, had a 5dt, and that stupid Chinese gender predictor thing says I'm having a boy.

I read that the embryos start making hCG before they even implant. It's possible my little guy(s) implanted much later than I thought, even perhaps after my first positive HPT. Anything, I've heard, can happen with FETs.

I pee daily. My line still isn't as dark as the control. I'm not sure if it ever will become as dark, since it's held steady at almost-as-dark for 3 days now. Damn internet cheapies.

JimDear and I discuss names until one of us trails off. We decided to make the guest room into the nursery, not the office as originally planned.

I passed my drug screen and background check and officially accepted the offer for nursing school. I might have to take a semester off. I might not.

I am not spotting. I am not cramping. I am not having any pain. I am nauseous. I vomit about once a day. I can smell things from far away. I can also, I swear, smell mildew all over our house.

I just...cope. My ultrasound is not until 4:45pm tomorrow. JimDear and I will both be going. We are hoping to see a neat little sac, properly placed in my uterus.

Until we have concrete evidence otherwise, I am pregnant, goddamnit.