Cycle Day One: Moving On

My beta, as expected, was negative. "Less than 0.5". Hardly a surprise, since my lining had gone from 14mm at transfer to 8.5mm, with probably about 0.5mm on the dildo.

Why yes, I was getting another scan.

I spent Sunday, Monday, and most of Tuesday grieving. I called them my "rage days". I was free to be as angry as I wanted, at whomever I wanted, without feeling any guilt. (I obviously could not act on this anger, as being a convicted felon is probably not a good thing to have on my record if we move on to adoption at some point...) I cried an awful lot. I kept inserting my Crinone and didn't drink wine or take a hot bath. I burned my protocol, retrieval, and post-transfer instructions. I ate a lot of ice-cream, even though it's only 7 degrees outside. And I had several conversations with my husband, and we reached two decisions:

#1. I will not be doing another fresh cycle with this clinic. It's not the BFN. That totally fucking sucks, don't get me wrong. But it was very likely caused by chromosomal anomalies. My eggs, his sperm, and the incorrect amounts of DNA. It happens. I had 15 mature eggs, 12 fertilized, 10 embryos made it to Day 5. I really can't point a finger at them.

No, what made us decide "no more fresh IVFs" was a combination of:

(a) They tried to suppress my with Lupron twice, with disastrous results. Once, sure, that's the standard. A second time, maybe. But then they wanted my third cycle to be another long Lupron. I was the one, with knowledge from the Internet, to bring up an antagonist protocol. I was the one to put my foot down on another round of Lupron, even while the doctor was telling me that it was the Lupron flare that caused my cysts and stimmed me. So why on earth did they want to use it for suppression again? I have no problem with being my own advocate, but doesn't it seem wrong that they didn't even broach the subject of alternative protocols at this point?

(b) My cyst should have been drained in November. That monster was 7cm. That's HUGE! My emotional desire to stim I can see them dismissing, but really, a cyst larger than my uterus, so large they put me on pelvic rest...and they didn't even bring up aspiration? I did, a week later, but they just brushed me off. Then in January, I was told I had three choices: Lupron to shrink it (WHAT?), more wait-and-see, or drain. It shouldn't have lasted that long, and them bringing up Lupron again is just... *shudder*

(c) My beta. There is no reason they couldn't have done it on Monday. I understand they want to spare us the pain of a chemical pregnancy, but I wanted to have it over and done with. It was obviously negative. If they didn't think a beta that early was included in my flat-fee, they should have let me just pay to have it done and then done it again on 17DPO per their wishes. Having to keep taking progesterone, to not being able to fully kill off Hope, to no drinking/bathing/sexing during that time...it was just cruel.

So in short, my clinic is very good at handling things when they go well, but not very good at handling things when they're going very poorly, and they suck on the emotional comfort front. So...no more fresh cycles there.

But, on a happier front:
#2 I want to do a frozen embryo transfer (FET) right away. I called the nurse last evening, and was given the exact same "you know, I don't want to give you false hope, but in 20% of pregnancies...." spiel. I listened politely and then said, "I'm sorry, but that is false hope. I am getting negative pregnancy tests at 15 days past what is considered ovulation. The tests have a sensitivity of 25. You want my beta to be over 100. It would have to more than quadruple overnight. Clearly, that is not happening. But that's not the point. I want to do a frozen embryo transfer right away, this very month." She had the doctor call me back. He gave me a tentative ok, pending blood work and a lining check.

Well, my e2 is at 36. My p4 is at 2.7, but that is very likely from the Crinone. And my lining is down to 8.5mm, from 14mm at transfer. ("Light bleeding is common" my ass. That dildo-probe saw nothing 'light' about the bleeding, let me tell you.)

My doctor suggested I take a month off, for my "emotional health". That was a no-go for me. Look, I can't "take a month off" from infertility. I would spend that entire month depressed, micro-analyzing this last cycle, stressed out, counting on my fingers, hating life, wanting to put birth control in the water of every woman I know, you know, the usual.

Feeling like I'm doing something is much healthier for me. I didn't even cry today when the stupid tech wished me luck on my beta. I was joking with the receptionist while I waited. Doing something is really the only way I feel good.

So yeah, I put $2600 on my credit card and walked out with a calender and scripts for estrogen (which my insurance covers!) and more god-awful Crinone. Let's get a baby inside me. Now.

Or on Feb 23rd, I'll take that.