9dp5dt: Other People's Babies

...are the only pictures we have on our fridge. I told my husband I was avoiding the entire kitchen because looking at our embryos just makes me cry. He took the picture and put it "in a safe place". Perhaps when my grief is less raw, I will be able to look at it again, to do something nice with it.

My clinic called to inform me that they won't take me. The nurse fed me some nonsense about HPTs not being very sensitive and spotting being normal in 20% of pregnancies. They look for, she said, a beta of 100 at 17DPO. They agreed to take me at 16DPO. I think it's about the money. They don't want to do repeat betas. For crying out loud, that can't be more than 50-60 dollars, right? Glad to know that nickles and dimes are more important than my peace of mind. She kept going "we don't want to see you stop your medications and then maybe be pregnant..." Lady, stopping the medications is the whole point. I want a hot bath, a glass of wine, and some serious medication for this stupid cold that is still kicking my butt. And I absolutely do NOT want to insert any more Crinone, nor to deal with the disgusting mixture of Crinone and blood that comes out.

As if a failed cycle weren't enough.

I would love to do a FET this very month. But their unwillingness to even test me makes me think it'll be a no.

The worst part, of course, is the Demon Hope. God, that bitch. She's riding me, saying how I'm spotting less and it's still brown and after all the nurse thinks I might still have a chance and maybe I'm just magic and the hCG I make myself (as opposed to a trigger) doesn't leak into my urine very well. I want to slay that bitch, but I can't. Last night, she was dead. I know she was. I had a good, long cry. I told my mother we were a bust and she cried. I had an honest conversation with my husband about how knowing that my pain causes him pain makes me feel guilty, but I just can't give up on being pregnant and move onto adoption, like I suspect he wants to. He admitted that he is much less attached to the idea of pregnancy than I am, but that he wants to keep trying until he has only one tooth left.

He also told me the happiest moment of his whole life was when we said our vows, and he thought nothing could ever top that. Until our transfer. Which, no matter how it turns out, in that very moment, he was happier than even on our wedding day.

God, that made me cry.

So we'll keep trying. But it is not easy. Not at all. Especially since that Demon is back again.