Cosmic irony is disparity between human desires and the harsh realities of the outside world. By some definitions, situational irony and cosmic irony are not irony at all.
I complained about no symptoms. Today: This morning, I was awoken (from, honest to god, a dream about seeing two lines, yes I am pathetic) by a sharp pain in my left breast. That breast has ached all day long. The right does as well, though much less noticeably. I felt nausea before breakfast, again when I smelled my husband's sandwich at lunch, and again after I ate soup for dinner. I also vomited, though not a lot, about 20 minutes after eating. And I feel light-headed, despite drinking a ton of water. (And moodiness, of course, but we won't go there.) These are all signs of early pregnancy! Hooray! I win!!!
Except, as all us inferftiles are sadly aware, these are all common side effects of progesterone.
It is very cruel of them to have waited so long to appear, and then to taunt me when I have lost all hope.
I suppose it's possible, right, that my levels of hCG are so low that they cannot be detected by any of the three brands of pregnancy test I used today but are still high enough to make me puke and want to pass out? Right?
Sick of squinting at lines, wondering if that line that I didn't see an hour ago is not, after all, an evap, but rather proof positive of pregnancy, I went out and bought me some fancy-schmancy digital tests.
The accuracy is as follows:
3 days before missed period (which is where I'm placing myself, even though I usually have a luteal phase of 13 days, because I assume they're assuming a 14 day one): 84%
2 days before: 90%
1 day before: 95%
No timing, no walking from room to room in search of the best lighting, no squinting, no holding up to my trigger-positive ones to compare. Just pee, wait, read.
And cry.
My husband and I had a good, long cry together. We've agreed to "keep trying" but haven't defined what we mean by that. Frozen or try another fresh? We can't really afford either, but what are credit cards for. But if our best-of-the-best embryos died, why should we expect more from the runners up? But then again, he's been drinking and I suspect he's off his vitamins. I didn't want to say anything, didn't want to jinx this. Should I get a lap? I've never had one, who knows what's going on in there.
But oh, oh, the biggest question of all: what to do with the picture of our transferred embryos that is currently on our fridge?
6 comments:
Hugs. I don't know how you do the pee stick thing every day. It makes me crazy. I did choose to have a lap after my 2nd failed IVF and I was glad I did. They removed a small bit of endo that I had never been diagnosed with. Granted, its one year later and I'm still not pregnant, but it gave me peace of mind. I'm going to still hold out hope for you for this cycle.
Ugh. So sorry you're going through this. Sending much love.
I'm so sorry the digital test was a jerk :( But is it annoying for me to say, hold onto some hope until your beta!? Im always the "what if" girl with myself, always hoping that the test is wrong somehow. And I dont think theres anything wrong with that :) I took a digital this morning at 4am and I forgot how hard it is to see the actual words, " Not Pregnant." :( AF still hasnt shown for me and its day 42!!! Well, a big hug to you and my advice for the embryos pic...frame it :)
It's not over until the fat lady sings! Do wait until beta for a final verdict!
And it's okay to cry.
P.S. You've just convinced me NOT to test. I want to hold on to the "I'm pregnant" illusion (?) for as long as possible.
I'm sad for you but I'm still holding on to hope that this month is your month!!! Lots of hugs!
I'm really sorry. The symptom stuff is the worst: over these past 4 cycles, my PMS symptoms have become non-existent, which means I must be pregnant, right(wrong)?
My thoughts are with you.
Post a Comment