My Sister-in-Law is Pregnant

And everybody knew but me.

My grandparents spilled the beans during a huge family dinner tonight. At a restaurant, so I couldn't even go cry.

I'm more pissed off than I am sad. I figured it was only a matter of time--their little girl is 17 months--and as much as I hate the fact that my shiftless step-brother can't keep a job, his wife is an excellent mother. It just makes me angry that I am the last to know, and there were no plans to tell me. My sister-in-law (I've mentioned before that she's the most understanding about this whole thing) even asked my mom when and how she thought they should tell me.

This was after I told my mom I would prefer to know anything sooner rather than later, and in private.

My mother told her to wait till I was pregnant.

Umm...yeah.

After dinner, I called them both--my SIL to congratulate her but to ask why she's been avoiding me (she's had awful morning sickness and didn't want to lie to me...) and to say it hurt my feelings to find out this way.

And my mom to fight with her (after my SIL told me what she'd said, and that everyone else has known for 3 weeks).

They're due in December.

Some days, I just really hate everyone and everything.

e2=990

I have a ton of follicles (I lost count!), with 12 in the 14-15 range. My e2 (after a night of Ganirelix) is 990. I'm an OHSS risk, but then again, I was last time too. Retrieval will be Saturday or Sunday.

Back to studying...

4=12

After 4 nights of stims, I have 12 follicles. They're all about 12mm, except for 2 stragglers (1 at 9mm, one at about 8). I'm thrilled!!

I'm also incredibly busy, between work (dropped down to part-time, obviously) and school. This coming week is going to be insane. Assignments, my first exam, egg retrieval still set for Sunday, then another exam on Monday. I probably won't be blogging much, just leaving a few updates. Please forgive me in advance.

Stims: Continuing to be Normal (Updated!)

My e2 yesterday was 143. After 2 nights of stimming, that's pretty much ideal. The sad news (for me) is that it made my nurse decide I don't need an u/s on Sunday. I still have to give them my blood, of course, but no romance time with the seeing-eye-dildo. Which makes me sad, because I want to know how many follicles are growing, damnit!

Because I'm anal (but not for the dildocam, of course), I looked up my last antagonist cycle. I didn't have a blood-draw until the 4th day (e2 was in the 400s), or an ultrasound until the 6th (17 follicles). So I'm on the exact same schedule, just with one extra blood draw, because they just can't get enough of me.

I've blogged before about being "a hard poke". I have "princess veins" when I should have ordered "truck-driver veins". I'm a "go for it". All of these are direct quotes from the one and only staff-member who can reliably find my AC. And I'm slowly falling in love with her. After countless office visits, they know to get her when they see me. On the days when she is not there, I end up with numerous bruises, and they always seem to end up taking it from one of my hands. I actually try to get them to go straight for the hand, because, as much as it hurts, it's better to do that than did around in both my arms first...only to end up at my hand. I look like a heroin addict from a single draw. N, on the other hand, has taken my blood on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday of this week. She goes straight for the butterfly needle, straight for the AC on my right arm, and BAM! I don't have a single bruise. I have an itsy-bitsy red mark, that only showed up yesterday. I am on and off the chair in under a minute.

It's amazing. It's what normal women do. It's what my husband does, when he gives blood. (I'm forever banned, having lived in the Congo river basin for 2+ years.) It's not a pain in the ass at all.

To make up for it, of course, I've managed to make myself bleed on all 3 of my nightly injections.

But even with that, I'm amazed at how smoothly this cycle is going. I can't get over it. Please, let me continue to be text-book, right up to the take-home-baby at the end.

EDIT: Hahaha, one of my favorite nurses just called me and said "I see you're only getting blood work on Sunday? Can you do an ultrasound too? The more we know, the happier we are." Me too, and yes I can!

Stims--Day 1

Yep. I'm cycling, and it should be perfect. Today is my natural CD3, and I start my FSH (Bravelle, 300 units) and low-dose HCG (30 units) tonight! Scans every other day, add in Ganirelix when I have a follicle at 15mm, anticipated egg retrieval on Sunday, June 12th.

I only have one awful appointment--it's on the same day as my first pharmacology exam, and I'll have to rush to make it in time (and I'll miss the class before). But nothing that's during my clinicals.

I'm a bit in shock. I mean, we made the decision Sunday night, and here I am starting stims 3 days later. No cysts, estrogen, p4, LH all nice and low...holy crap. Last time, between deciding to do IVF and starting Lupron, and actually doing IVF, it took us 5 months. I know that's unusual, but it was our story. To have everything go so perfectly smooth just seems unreal.

By the way, I heard there's a Lupron shortage. Bwahahahahaha. It's because I took it all. All told, I spent 93 days on Lupron, usually on 20IUs, sometimes on as high as 40. So, sorry y'all, you'll have to go get cysts from some other medication.

(I will finish the donor sperm conversation soon, I swear!)

Emergency Broadcast System

Oh, we thought I was handling this so well. Even I was amazed! Taking a break of my own free will? (I mean, yes, school schedule plus finances, but it wasn't doctor-mandated or anything.) Who ever would have thought! Calmly planning consultations elsewhere? Saying, "Well, I knew it wouldn't work, so it's ok"?

Bwahahahaha. Not so much, it seems.

My husband and I were hanging out with my older sister and her husband last night, and I told them my cycle had failed (beta is/was today, but, at 18DPO with neg pregnancy tests...failed), and that I was so sad I wasn't pregnant. And my sister said:

"I know, it sucks. I'm not pregnant either."

Me, "Are you trying?"

Her, "Yes"

Me, "For how long?"

Her, "This was our first month. Getting my period was so sad!"

...yeah.

She then went on to tell me that, 'because of her age', she "only" has a 20% chance each month.

I said, "You know, I am going to hate you when you're pregnant. I'm just telling you now."

She said, "You can't do that. You're my sister!"

And when they left, I cried into my husband's arms for almost an hour. And I realized I simply cannot do it. I cannot take a break. It took us two years to get a single pregnancy. I can't just throw away months like that.

My sister sent me an email:
I wanted to write you right away and say that I am so sorry that I brought up such a sensitive topic in such a casual way. I knew as soon as I spoke that it was not the appropriate time or place. As you know, I have a problem with blurting things out that I shouldn’t. I feel terrible about what happened and I will work to be more sensitive in the future. Our friendship means so much to me and I never meant to hurt you. I love you very much.

And I sent her one back:
I know you didn't mean to hurt us. I don't think you understand what I would give to have a 20% chance each month, just like that--no appointments, no every-other-day blood draws and vaginal ultrasounds, twice-a-day injections, no risk of cancellation, no day under full anesthesia while they stick a needle through my vaginal walls to aspirate each follicle I've developed, no sweating bullets for a full 24 hours, waiting to hear how many of my eggs were mature, whether [JimDear]'s sperm were healthy enough to survive the wash process, if they got enough sperm to attempt to fertilize each egg, and then how many actually fertilized. No waiting to hear how many embryos survive to transfer. No one threading a tube inside my cervix to inject embryos, no pain, no bed-rest, no risk of ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome, and no $10,000 each cycle, and above all, no nurses calling to say "We're so sorry, but..."

I don't think you realize that we only get a handful of chances each year.

I don't think you understand what it's like to be pregnant, excited about your ultrasound, only to discover that there is no heartbeat, and you will not be having a child. It's so painful to be in our situation.

And it makes me so upset, knowing that you (who only want girls, and haven't even been all that interested in babies or children until recently) and [your husband] (who would, to the best of my knowledge, would be just as happy to wait a few more years), will in all likelihood get pregnant very easily, and very quickly. You will, in all likelihood, give birth before I'm even pregnant. I'm consumed with jealousy and with grief. And to hear you be so relaxed about it, to hear you tell me that no, I can't hate you, is just something that [JimDear] and I can't deal with right now.

So when I went in to have my beta this morning, I told the nurse (there's only a skeletal staff today) that I was absolutely going to cycle THIS VERY MONTH. That the estrogen I took for my FET would count as suppression (I do the birth control/antagonist cycle, so the estrogen is my birth control), and that I would be starting stims this Friday. She'll be talking to a doctor and getting back to me. So that's my plan.

Let's hope it works.

The Donor Sperm Conversation (part 1)

The first time donor sperm was brought up to us, it was done very unprofessionally. We had a couple of cancelled IVF/ICSIs under our belt (cancelled due to my reaction to Lupron and a charming cyst), and were trying to get to the stim phase once again. A nurse called and left voicemails for both me and my husband saying, (from memory), "Just calling to give you your estrogen levels, and also, we notice you haven't chosen your donor sperm back-up, we need to get this completed ASAP, call us back."

I was like "Donor sperm? WTF? This was never mentioned! A back-up? Is his count really that bad? And if it is, why the hell are we spending $10,000 on this whole ICSI thing if it won't work??"

I sent my husband a text (we were both at work) saying, "Did you get this voicemail? What should we do?" and he replied "We'll talk at home."

When we got home, he surprised me by...crying. He said "It just makes me feel so un-needed. Like I'm not even a part of this baby-making process."

So I said, "We'll just call them back and tell them no 'back-up', that we don't want it."

And that was the one and only time we discussed the subject.

But it weighed heavily on my mind. Donor sperm is not my ideal. It's not that I have anything against it, I just would rather be able to play the he-has-your-nose game. My husband is adopted, so there are no brothers/cousins/uncles we could use to get a genetic link. That door is closed.

I personally don't see the point in using a known donor in our situation--the male relatives his close to aren't genetically related (his father, his brother-in-law, his 17-year-old nephew (his sister is also adopted, from a different family)), and using their DNA just seems awkward. Using one of my brother-in-laws or step-brother (or step-father) just feels incestuous to me. And using a friend, while nice, doesn't seem like a good idea, as I wouldn't really want a donor to have much of a role in our child's life.

But to me, an anonymous donor doesn't seem like that big of a deal. I have zero concern with "OMG what if our child unknowingly has children with someone who turns out to be their half-sibling." So I don't really see the point.

Let me just say here, my biological father was an absolute asshole. Abusive and all that stuff. My parents divorced when I was 6, and I never saw him again. He killed himself when I was almost 16, and the world is a better place without him in it. I have two half-brothers out there whom I've never met, and have no desire to meet. Why would I want to, when all we have in common is some chromosomes from a dirty source? So this may color my opinions. I'm a scientist--I know DNA controls a lot. But most important things, to the best of my knowledge, are nurture+nature combined, or nurture alone. I'm talking things like sense of humor, work ethic, curiosity about the world, tolerance, not-being-an-ass, intelligence (yes, this has a genetic component, but there's a reason Head Start works...), the qualities that actually make someone worth hanging out with. It's not their hair color, their body shape, needing glasses, any of that. So, to me, whatever.

I had assumed my husband felt similarly. He's adopted, as I've mentioned. When he turned 18, he had the option of connecting with his biological mother. He didn't want to and doesn't regret that. She's nothing to him--his mom is his mom, his dad is his dad, so what's the point. (His sister, for the record, did chose to meet her birth mom, and they now have a relationship. I think either way is fine. But the point is, my husband didn't want it.) He's also way more open to adopting than I am--I want to be pregnant very, very much.

So for him to not want to use donor sperm caught me entirely off-guard. I mean, didn't he know somewhere, deep down, that we might be headed that way? And...not feeling like he's part of the process? I don't mean to down-play fatherhood (which is different), or support during pregnancy (which again, is different), but when it comes to conception, we're talking an orgasm. Into a cup, in our case. How exactly does that make you a part of it? I mean, really?

(Now that we have been through an egg retrieval and three transfers, I think he realizes that his 'part' in it is being there with me, watching the monitors, holding my hand, all of that. Not the 'sample'.)

I had a hard time believing that his concern was really him jerking off in a cup versus not. I figured the problem must run deeper, must have to do with me carrying another man's child, or me having a genetic link when he did not. But we never talked about it. I didn't want to bring it up, because it was so upsetting to him. And I thought IVF would work for us. Especially once we got our great fert report, I figured we were golden.

Not so much.

As we had failure after failure, the donor sperm idea kept coming back to me. I like to plan three steps ahead. I want to do another fresh cycle or two, but I'd rather move on to donor sperm after that than go for adoption (or donor embryos, which is another post). But I didn't want to hurt my husband.

And now I've rambled on for so long (without actually getting to the conversation!) that I have to leave. More to come.

Clearing up a few things

First, I'm having a hard time leaving comments. I keep getting logged out or something. It's making me very upset--I want to SAY things to people and I get so frustrated that I can't. I understand I'm not the only one, so hopefully it gets fixed soon. But I am not ignoring you!

Second, I still haven't started spotting. I just don't know what's going on. Wish I did, but I don't.

Third, no, we have no explanation for my husband's sperm issues. All of his hormones are perfect. He had an itsy bitsy varicocele in one of his testes, but the doctor was entirely convinced that wasn't an issue, and that doing anything about it would likely cause more harm than do any good. We had his genome ran (with Counsyl), and he's not a carrier for anything (except a weird iron-uptake thing, which is easily treated nowadays). (Sometimes MFI can mean you're a carrier for CF or other things.) We have not had him karyotyped. We (the two of us, our doctors have just said "we simply don't know") think it's likely one of two things:

(1) He was adopted shortly before Roe v. Wade was handed down. His mother was a college student at a party school (and seriously, this is all he knows of his parents--no health history, just the general circumstances of his conception), and so it seems likely that she was drinking (if not doing more) before finding out she was pregnant, and quite possibly afterwards. Pre-natal care was probably not very high on her list, and "accidentally-on-purpose" early miscarriage strategies don't seem impossible. Yes, we are stereotyping, and no, I don't think everyone who gives a child up for adoption takes little pre-natal care, but still, given what we know and the time of his birth (Jan 1971), we don't think it's a huge stretch. So possible exposure to chemicals in utero.

(2) Exposure to chemicals post-birth. He was raised right next to a military base that, while not quite Area 51, has many questionable things about it during the Cold War. And his (adopted) dad worked there, so we're not making it up.

Of course, it could always just be (3) shitty luck.

Umm, fourth, I don't trigger on my FET protocols (does anyone?), so the positives weren't from that.

I think that's about it...I still want to get into the donor sperm discussion, but I need to be in the right space to write about it.

Thanks for sticking with me.

10dp5dt: Future Planning

BFN again today. I didn't test yesterday--I was running late and just didn't feel like it. I didn't want to see a negative, or, frankly, another damningly faint positive. I was done. Today was just a confirmation, so I don't feel guilty for not re-filling my estrogen prescription.

So. The Future.

We will be changing clinics. We have a free WTF appointment at our current clinic, so we'll go. But I've already spoken to the new clinic on the phone several times. In about a month, we'll be going there. We'll be getting all fresh testing and I'm going to ask for an SIS and some RPL (why not?) and thyroid (I've had it, but it was 2 years ago) testing as well. Our insurance might cover some of this.

We're considering a DNA frag test for him, or some karyotyping. But honestly, we're not sure. PGD is so very expensive, and I've read very mixed reviews in literature. (It seems healthy embryos are often mis-read, either due to sampling one abnormal cell, or to miscounting chromosomes--eg, saying it's a mono-17 and tri-18, when really it was normal.) So we probably won't pursue that.

We currently plan on doing one more fresh and all the frozens we get. Unless we get a loan, that will all be on our credit card. It's a bit nerve-wracking. If that fails, we'll see. We discussed donor sperm last night. Which is a whole post in and of itself, and one I want to write with as much thought and care as it deserves.

I'm doing ok with all this. I really didn't expect this cycle to work. I think it was a chemical, what with the disappearing-reappearing lines, especially since I'm not even spotting yet (and I'm on the same progesterone that I was for my last failed cycle, where I started spotting at 13DPO and had full flow at 15). Very unusual for me.

We're going to spend the summer focusing on getting healthy (I've gained about 30 lbs in the two years of TTC, and he hasn't fared any better) and enjoying each other. And then try again, in August.

8dp5dt: Throwing in the towel.

Another BFN today.

And happy 2 years of TTC!

I'm bummed. We probably won't try again until August due to finances and such. I'm just sad and angry that 12 high-quality embryos resulted in zero babies. *sigh* It makes me think we're pretty much fucked.