I think, honestly, that the hardest part of infertility is, for me, the uncertainty. If someone could say to me, "You will have 3 failed IVFs but get a baby on a FET from the third", I would say "ok". If someone could say to me, "No matter what you do or do not do, you will get your baby in exactly ten years", I would scream with impatience and then get on with my life. If someone could say to me, "You will never, ever, ever get pregnant, not with your eggs and embryos, and not with anyone else's either", I would cry and then begin adoption proceedings.
Instead I get "53%" or "40%" or "most women..." or "usually, in such cases..."
All of which means exactly nothing. Or rather, it means that every cycle not on birth control (or Lupron, birth control pill's ugly, wicked step-sister) is plagued by hope and riddled with despair.
Take me, for example. Here is what we know:
My lining is 13.3mm.
My estradiol is 521.
My progesterone is (or was, before I inserted some lovely Crinone) 0.7.
Today is "ovulation day".
I've got 4 frozen embryos. Upon freezing, I had 2 5AA blasts, 1 5BB blast, and one 1BC blast.
Blastocysts frozen with the new vitrification technique, like mine, have about a 90% survival rate.
On Wednesday, February 23rd, my clinic will thaw my 2 best embryos. They will continue thawing until we have 2 that survive, or until we run out.
My clinic has, as of the most recent SART stats, a 41.7% pregnancy rate for women of my age.
I guess we'll see what happens.
12 comments:
I know what you mean. Sometimes I get bogged down in the idea that this purgatory will last FOREVER. But I remind myself that this will be finite, in some way or another. Good luck with your FET : )
I feel you. I could deal if when I talked to God he just answered back! I mean clearly he's saying not right now, but when? or is it never? AHH look what you did! HAHA Good luck!
Ugh, I totally get what you mean. If someone said--forget it, you'll never get pregnant, then fine, I'd get on with it and do something else. It's the uncertainty that's so frustrating!
Living with the unknown is so intolerable! And our minds go crazy with statistics and whatever, trying to create some feeling of control over it.
So here's another little scrap to throw to your mind.. My friend V got her lovely son from her frozen cycle after her first fresh. It happens! And I pray that it happens for you!
You are so right. If we could only know what was going to happen, we could start to deal with it. I think most of us started TTC with an assumption (if we thought about it at all) that there would be a baby at the end of the process, probably within a year or two. But what infertility does, is it pulls the rug out from under you. You can't not think about probability and possible outcomes, and you can't ever be sure. And (maybe this is just me) it starts to infect the rest of your life as well, so that nothing feels certain and everything feels like an unknown and a risk.
I agree about the uncertainty. I find it so hard. If I only knew which way the wind would blow, it would make it all easier.
I know it's hard to find solace in statistics. They work, but then they don't. But the truth is that things really do look good. I am hopeful for you.
Uncertainty and all those percentages are the worst in IF. I am really wishing you good luck with your FET.
Just had to say thank you, for putting my feelings into words on a page and in that, giving such support. I don't have my own blog, but I don't know where I'd be without yours. Thanks again. Best wishes in bringing that baby home this year xox
good luck!!! I always thought if I had the crystal balling letting me know when/if it would happen I could breath and enjoy my days until then...but instead we wake every morning still wondering when and if...
I hate statistics. I wish it all were black and white, so decision making would go faster. Also, I hate people who don't understand statistics, and assume that if you're doing IVF then surely you'll get pregnant.
When you go to write a new post you should see at the top (like by where the font and size buttons are) a button that says link- click on that and you should be able to add a link to your post. Hope that helps!
I know what you mean. I always wish I knew how much I had to put up with, so that I could pace myself at least-or know that my goal is close-or far.
Best of luck in the next few days. I hope everything goes well!
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