O Minus Two: Quiet

I deleted a comment on my last post, calling me a hypocrite for thinking an 11/11/11 due date is "cool for me but not for anyone else". I now wish I hadn't. Obviously, that commenter (who did not have a blog of her own) missed the point. The date is fine. The jealousy and antagonism comes from perfectly fertile people calling fertility doctors and wanting to mess around with their cycles just to have a neat birthday. It also comes from knowing that people will act against the best interests of their baby when November 11th rolls around, and will be inducing when they do not need to (which leads to a much higher need for C-sections, by the way) or scheduling unnecessary C-sections and all that shit. It's because all these people are treating a baby as a novelty when it is my deepest desire, and also because people like this get what they want when I very likely will not. It's because life is fucking unfair and they don't even realize it.

And, frankly, because it trivializes fertility doctors and fertility treatments. Why should insurance cover, say, IVF when it's just used to go about picking favorite due dates? Or PGD when people just use it to pick the gender of their baby (for no medical reason--I have no quarrels with people who have an X-linked defect and so choose to have girls, for example). It's so hard to want acknowledgement for infertility as a horrible, horrible medical condition that deeply affects quality of life when it's constantly catching media attention for things like picking due dates and Octomom and such.

But aside from that, not much is going on.

Hopefully, I "ovulate" on Friday. My temperatures are still down, so OPKs be damned. I hunted all over for digital ones and couldn't find them. I have one left, because I took so many to "double check". I figure I'll use it today. Then...nothing tomorrow. Because if I get a positive tomorrow, it would mean I actually ovulate on Friday (or possibly Saturday) instead of just fake ovulating. Which shouldn't make a difference to my cycle, right? Sure, I could go out and spend another $20 for 7 more stupid tests, but I really don't want to. I'm sick of throwing money at my uterus.

I did ask (I may have posted about this already, I can't remember) my clinic what happens if I got a positive OPK. They said "call us". No, really? They continued to be cagey about it. The most I ever got was "assuming all blood tests and ultrasounds indicate ovulation, you sit down with the doctor and discuss where to go from there".

And it would suck to be cancelled. But on the other hand, it would not suck as hard as my cancelled IVFs. Taking estrogen is nothing. I'm already taking my pre-natal vitamin, baby aspirin, and antidepressant. What's throwing in a few more pills? And I've had hardly any scans. It would mean no baby this time, but...

I didn't expect my IVF to fail. I honestly didn't. When I made it to transfer, I really thought it would work. Well, it didn't. So now, while I'm not all doom-and-gloom, I'm just not at all excited for this FET. Maybe things will change once I transfer. But my RE gave us a 40% chance. Which really is not that great. So...whatever, I guess.