3dp5dt: Infertility Monopoly

Because I am an idiot, I tested today. I then proceeded to stare at the test for so long that my eyes blurred and I imagined a shadow of a line. At which point I chucked the test. It's still very very early, especially for a FET. I plan on testing daily, but I really shouldn't have started until at least tomorrow.

Anyway. Remember my OB sister? She's in her 3rd year of residency and almost done with her RE/I rotation. She's not learning much, frankly. Her program does Clomid IUIs but no injectibles and certainly no IVF. She told me she's getting pretty good at counting antral follicles. Take a back seat, sis--I'm probably better and have been doing it for longer. Anyway, she told me that, in OB/GYN, there are two very competitive fellowships: gyn/onc and RE/I. Gyn/Onc because...well, that's cancer, and you need to be pretty smart and able and dedicated and such to deal with all the "lady cancers". And RE/I because....they make so much money.

Yeah. I've long suspected that the embryologist is the true hero of the clinic. I figure I could run an IVF cycle myself, except for the egg retrieval. (Pretty sure I could do transfers.) I don't actually begrudge doctors for making a profit off my infertility. But...such a huge one?

Which got me thinking. Melissa Ford, our lovely blogger at Stirrup Queens, compares infertility to an island in very wonderful book. And she's right. But I kind of figure, what with the doctors making so much money off my pain, infertility is a lot like a board game. Specifically:



Monopoly.

You build little clinics on the properties. Once you have 4 clinics, you build a "Famous Center", like CCRM. You can then charge a shit-ton more and insist on even more bullshit hoops for patients. (Which is not to say that I may not land at CCRM's doorstep myself one of these days. They're that good. Alas.)

For the pieces, it'll be the standards: a syringe, a dildocam, a little gown, paper booties, a calender, an 8-cell embryo, an OPK, and an HPT (you can tell them apart because the HPT only has one line. Duh.)

"GO" is obviously Cycle Day One. Every time an infertile passes Cycle Day One, they collect 200 tampons.

"Jail" is a cyst. You have to stay in there for three turns while you wait-and-see (and roll the dice on Lupron or birth control--doubles and it works, not-doubles and you just wasted even more money!) or else you can pay a tidy sum to have it aspirated and continue along your way.

"Free Parking" is insurance coverage. Good luck landing on that one.

The dark purple properties are "birth control mishap" and "we weren't even trying!"

The light blues: no birth control, vacation, and "we'll see what happens".

The light purples: pre-natal vitamins, basal body temperatures, and charting.

The oranges: cervical mucus (and who DOESN'T want to own cervical mucus??), cervical position, and the ClearBlue Fertility Monitor.

The reds: Pillow-under-ass, PreSeed, Instead Cup. (See, you don't have to own them all. I never did the Instead cup thing, but judging by the posts on Fertility Friend, this wouldn't be a bad thing to invest in.)

Yellow: Infertility spells, acupuncture, infertility meditations.

Green: Cycle Day Three work-up, Clomid, IUI

And finally, the dark blues: IVF and PGD.

The utilities will be the man stuff: semen analysis and sperm wash.

The railroads: Domestic adoption, international adoption, foster-to-adopt, and take-those-damn-people-who-say-"you can have one of mine!"-up-on-their-offer.

And I'm having a field day coming up with Chance and Community Chest cards.

Gotta make this whole thing fun somehow...