So last night was my last Lupron injection. Hopefully forever. (The nurse said I don't have to buy more, that the idea was just to keep my ovaries quiet, that I start the Pill after I get my period, which...well, today is CD28 and there are no signs, so we'll see.) I had a tad more than the 20IUs I needed, but I just drew it all back and stabbed it in. After disposing of the needle, I hid the red bio hazard container. That's the 2nd one I've gone through, with not so much as an egg to show for it. But I realized...I spent all of November on Lupron. Every single day of it. God I hate that drug.
And another thing about November: I didn't pee on a single stick. I realized this when cleaning out the 2nd bathroom. I found half a box of OPKs under the sink. I guess I'd stashed them there so I wouldn't accidentally pee on one of them instead of a pregnancy strip? I don't know. But I stared at them for a very long time, and felt very sad. I had such hope when I bought my first OPKs. And in fact, OPKs have never once failed me. I ovulate in a timely manner every month (except, you know, the Lupron or BCP months...). I've never once missed my fertile window. I started out with just temping, and got a nice happy rise, but quickly backed that up with OPKs. I was such a different person then. Seeing that box made me kind of sad.
What made me even more sad was to realize I hadn't even taken an HPT in November. I did the whole BCP+Lupron thing, and got my period right on time. No need to even pee on a stick to urge it along (which yes, I did when I came off Provera after my last cancelled IVF). November was a month of dismay, of no hope. I hate November. This December is not proving much better, but at least it's not worse.
I read So Close yesterday. Seriously, that's what I did yesterday. I'd originally bought the memoir thinking I would read it and then pass it on to my friends and family, so they would understand. The concept behind the book is that, with each IVF, she gets closer and closer to a take-home baby. It was a very good book, and it made me cry. But I won't be passing it on to friends and family, because it is a very different journey from my own. The author...well, she gets pregnant. Lots. I do feel bad for her for having so many pregnancy losses, but well over half the book is spent with her being pregnant. She even muses at one point that May is the only month of the year in which she has not been pregnant (and then goes and gets pregnant). Her situation was heartbreaking, but for someone who has never seen a positive HPT, even from a trigger shot...well, it's just different. I don't want to give the book to people who I wish understood me (except perhaps the wonderful email she wrote to her pregnant sister), because my baseline ultrasounds have brought me nothing but heartache. She was never stopped at that point (although she was once stopped prior to egg retrieval). It just made me a bit sad that almost all of her "so close" journey is steps and steps further than my own. But it was a wonderful book and I honestly could not put it down, so I do recommend it to anyone who is actually infertile themselves, or who has dealt with RPL.
And finally (yes, the "f" word, but I mean "the last thing I will talk about today"), my sister, the gyno. After writing my post about her last Saturday, I did indeed send her an email simply saying "the email address you gave me for the REI fellow doesn't work. Hope you made it home safely". I didn't hear anything from her. A week later, last Saturday, I asked my mother if she'd heard anything from (oh, let's just call her) Kate. My mom said she had. I said I hadn't. My mom said Kate was probably very busy, what with being a doctor and all. Indeed. Then the next day, I did get an email from Kate, with a different email address for the fellow. I sent the fellow the same email I'd written before, but I don't know whether she'll answer or not. I'm not her sister, after all, just some infertile stranger. I've decided to just let it all go. To never bring up my infertility to Kate again, even in passing. If she broaches the subject, I think I'll just tell her I'm opting to keep everything to myself for now. Maybe in a few more months I'll be able to tell her how much her non-responses have hurt me, but not right now. Maybe if I ever get pregnant, I'll be able to let go of it entirely.
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