My Sister, The Gyno

My sister, K., is a 3rd-year OB/GYN resident. I will give you a moment to be jealous.

Now get over it.

When I first began trying to conceive, I thought how lucky I was. Because I would be able to call her and ask all my pregnancy questions. Now, granted, she couldn't be my doctor, because of ethics and because, well, at this point she was just out of her intern year. But surely should would help, would take time to answer my questions about what I could or could not eat, wear, do...

Last February (or was is March? I honestly can't remember), I went to my own ladydoctor (or "ladynursepractitioner", I suppose), for my annual and also to discuss TTC. She ran the following tests on me: thyroid stimulating hormone test. She gave me the following prescription: expensive gelcap prenatal vitamin (which I took for 3 months, and then the "get it free" card expired and I went back to generic). She said the following, "It's normal for it to take up to two years." Two years. I was 30. I left her office nearly in tears, and fired off an email to my sister. Who said normal isn't two years, but she didn't see any reason why I couldn't get pregnant, and no, I didn't need to give up being a vegetarian.

Over the summer, I wrote my sister several more increasingly desperate emails. Some she answered. Some she said, "I don't know enough about this {this being charting temps, OPKs, and all my own natural fertility signs, lying little bastards}" Most of my emails she just ignored. She did, at one point, tell me she thought I was going slightly crazy. I was, but that wasn't exactly the diagnosis I was looking for. I stopped asking her questions at that point. I felt betrayed. I had thought that my sister would treat me...well, like her sister. That she would do everything within her power to answer my questions, to point me in the direction I needed to go. That she would want me to get pregnant as badly as she herself someday will want to get pregnant. I didn't, and still don't, understand why she isn't.

On August, my husband and I began working with an RE. When I found out I had a blocked tube, I asked my sister about it, over the phone this time. She just said, "it's not a big deal". When it was clearly evident that we'd have to do IVF, I asked her about it. She gave me the link to the SART webpage, and printed out some things for me (she was in town at the time), and that was it. When my doctor told me I could pick for my very own self which stims to be on, I called her right away. She said she hadn't learned anything about IVF. I told her they use the same drugs for IUI sometimes. She said she didn't know, but she'd look them up and get back to me. She didn't. I called and emailed, and she came to town again, but nothing. I ordered them on my own, a month later. Bravelle, the cheapest. When my cycle was cancelled, I told her. She was apologetic but not helpful. I asked her about Lupron. She repeated that she didn't know anything about IVF. I told her it was also used for endometriosis, so had she ever heard of people being unsuppressed on it? She said she'd get back to me. Never did. I called her again with my cyst, and again she repeated her line about IVF. I was asking her how to get rid of a cyst, and she wouldn't answer. Even if there is no answer, couldn't she tell me that? No.

She was in town when I had my last appointment, last Friday. I didn't even ask her if she wanted to come with. I figured there was no point.

Throughout all this, the rest of our relationship remained the same. We talked about other things. She came into town, multiple times, and we hung out, had fun. Whenever we didn't talk about my desire for, and lack of, a baby, everything went well. K. and I have been close, sisters-and-friends-cliche, all our lives. I haven't worked up the courage yet to ask her what the hell is going on. About a month ago, she told me she is going to the Philippines in January, with an outreach program. She and 2 other doctors from her hospital will be performing gyn surgeries on women who wait all year for this. Instead of thinking how noble my sister is, or what a neat program it is, or how blessed we are to live in a developed nation, I thought:

She will go all the way to the Philippines to help complete strangers but won't even answer a few questions for me.

K and her boyfriend were here for over a week. They just got on a plane back to California a few hours ago. We had a pretty good time. We did not once discuss my inability to get pregnant (except for a few snide remarks by me, and her telling me that if I'd wish on the wishbone with her, she'd wish for what I would wish for). But it was always there, in the back of my mind, the fact that this woman who actually had an honest-to-god "trust me, I'm a doctor" moment at the movies the other night (complete stranger had a seizure, my sister to the rescue), (1) still hasn't answered questions I asked her months and months ago, and (2) didn't get me a birthday present this year.

I have heard that infertility can be hard on a marriage/relationship. What I did not know, did not fully realize until a few hours ago, was that it can also cost you sisters.

Before leaving, my sister gave me the email address for the REI (that's reproductive endocrinology/infertility, not the outdoorsman store of the same name) fellow, saying maybe she would have some answers for me. I eagerly emailed her...and it bounced. My thought? "Figures." I have no desire to call my sister, to email her, to ask her for the real email. I do think this was an honest mistake, but I just don't have the emotional reserves to navigate these waters. The facts are: I can't get pregnant. Someone who is supposed to love me very much has access to information (and does, I know, possess some of that knowledge, because for god's sake, it's not like ovarian cysts are some huge rare thing that only result as complications from IVF) and doesn't want to do what it takes to get that information to me. For whatever reason, she would rather fly around the world to perform hysterectomies on women she's never met than look up a few journal articles for the sister who taught her to tie her shoes, taught her math, went to bat for her countless times, flew across the country to comfort her when she didn't get into the program she wanted...all of those things.

It blows my mind (and aches in my heart), and I don't know that our relationship will ever truly recover.