I had two nightmares last night.
In the first, I was checking my cervical mucus. It was eggwhite, and as I stretched it between my fingers, I noticed a speck in it. I kept stretching, and the speck grew and grew, and began to resemble a baby. I knew I had to be very careful, to stretch this baby into existence. I slowly widened my fingers, holding my breath, and the baby began to grow. It was a fully-formed baby, with a perfect face, perfect everything. I slowly kept stretching, and the baby grew and then my fingers couldn't stretch anymore (I was using one hand). But I knew the baby wasn't big enough to live, so I needed to stretch more. I began to transfer the sticky mucus end from my thumb to my left hand, so I could stretch the baby between both my hands. I was too scared to even breathe. I'd almost made it, when the mucus fell off, and the baby snapped like a rubber band into nonexistence.
I woke up crying, knowing I'd lost my baby. I'm sure this dream comes from the fact that, well, I've lost any chance at even trying for a baby for at least 2 months. And I am heartbroken over it.
I was able to fall asleep again. In my 2nd nightmare, my older sister (C.) was getting married. (She actually got married this June, however, the rest of the details of the dream, specifically the fact that her husband, R., has been living out-of-state for this semester while he finishes his PhD, and so they only see each other a few days a month.) All of the women in my family were upstairs at my mother's house, getting ready. I was putting on my bridesmaid dress, and needed a pin, so I went to the bathroom, where I heard C. confiding in my younger sister K. that C. had just found out she was pregnant. I went back to the room, sat on the bed, and pulled out my phone to text my husband, to tell him he needed to come now. K. and C. came out of the bathroom and C. began saying, "I don't know how to tell you this..." and I interrupted her with, "I know, I heard." She began jumping up and down and clapping her hands, crying "Isn't it wonderful? Aren't you so happy for me!" and I said, "No, I am furious, some of us can't get pregnant at ALL, it is so totally unfair that you get pregnant when you hardly ever see R and he doesn't even want kids yet anyway!!" And then my mother starting yelling at me, and soon all the women in my family were telling me how horrible I was, how I was ruining her day, how I should just be happy. I finally said, "Well, I'm not, and D. and I are moving anyway, to a state that has mandated infertility insurance coverage and so I will not throw the baby shower!" And I ran out of the room.
That one...well, C. told me a few months ago that, when her husband gets back (middle of December), she wants to start TTC. Last I heard, he did not want children yet. In fact, last I heard, he was uncertain he wanted them at all. C. and I have not been getting along very well lately. When I told her in June about my troubles getting pregnant, she told me she thought it was funny. Because I'd tried to plan a pregnancy around work and school and it had backfired. I didn't know what to say to this, so I stayed silent. C. has always been very socially inept. However, when she told me a few hours later that she wanted to have a baby while she and R still lived in Utah, because her work throws such great baby showers, I about lost it. The notion that planning a baby around work and school (I had a 6 month window where I would only be working, not doing both, so I wanted to give birth then. It didn't happen, obviously.) is ridiculous and that it's hilarious when it backfires, but planning around a baby shower, well then.
But I know that my sister will likely start TTC this month or next. And that she will likely get pregnant before I do. And that I will not be able to deal with that in a nice, mature fashion. That jealousy will eat me alive. That when my unsympathetic mother tells me, as her sister, that I have to throw the baby shower (which she will, she tried to make me throw a baby shower for my step-brother's wife last winter, but thankfully my step-sister took on that task), I will break down.
And lastly, D. and I have considered moving. We've only lived in our house for 18 months though, and we got the new home buyer's credit, so we have to live here another 18 months or else pay it back. And if we had $8,000 just lying around, it would disappear into my RE's wallet, not the coffers of the IRS.
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