I gained a pound!!! I'm beyond thrilled. I've decided to take this is my new "start" weight. There's simply no point in dwelling on the weight I puked away the first half of my pregnancy. I'm tired of feeling guilty for not having gained the '1/3 to 1/2 of total pregnancy weight gain' by 20 weeks. That's impossible, and by all indications, my boys are doing well, so you know? Fuck it. I'm up a pound and everything's going to be better from here on out.
My HG does seem to be getting better. The meds change or just time, I'm not sure. But I usually only puke 3ish times a day now, and one of those is right when I wake up, so it hardly even counts. I could still sleep about 20 hours a day, but really, I'm feeling so much better.
I'm also feeling my boys. I celebrated my birthday with my grandparents the other night. Damien loves cake. It's awesome. I'll be so sad when it's all gone (I've eaten a piece 3 days in a row now, which might have something to do with the weight gain), because it's like a magic trick. Eat cake, 20-30 minutes later, Damien goes nuts. Atticus gets a bit more active, but it's not the same. (Then again, his placenta is anterior, so I may still be missing some.) My husband thinks Atticus is holding out for pie, taking after Daddy that way. We'll test that theory around Thanksgiving I'm sure.
I went back, believe it or not, to Babies R Us yesterday. This time, I actually set up a registry. Kinda. I put about 20 crib sheets on there (I've heard you can never have too many), two carseats, a bunch of pacifiers, and, after starting at them forever trying to decide "which is best", one of those lay-flat baby bouncy chair things. Progress.
I'm measuring at 26 weeks. I wouldn't have been surprised if she'd said "30", honestly. I feel huge. I also almost tipped over when putting on my socks this morning--I guess I'll be doing that sitting down from now on.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
19w2d: Names?
We think we have names. We're trying them out (talking to the babies and just saying them over and over) before announcing them to the world, but I figured I'd go ahead and start using them here as part of that process. It's been 2 days, after all, and I think we're good.
Itsy=Atticus Lawrence
Bitsy=Damien Elliot
Lawrence is my father-in-law's name. He goes by Larry. I'm not overly fond of the name, but my husband wants to use it (especially since neither of his nephews is any way named after his dad), so of course that trumps all. And it's not an awful name, I just don't like it with my husband's last name (which sounds like, but is not, 'Lame').
We're using my husband's last name instead of mine, because mine is long, ugly, and always misspelled. Seriously always misspelled. It ends in -son and more than half the time gets -sen. Including, which drives me fucking nuts, on half of my school records. I kept my name for career purposes, and also because we went to Jamaica for our honeymoon and I didn't want to worry over the logistics of a name-change and a passport, and then when we got back, well, driver's licence, social security, car, house, etc. Easier to just keep it, even though I've never really loved it.
I do love our boys' names, though. We wanted names that were not extremely common but also not weird, names that could be pronounced in French and English, names that sounded good together but not matchy, and names that we felt they could grow up.
Atticus was originally a middle name, in my mind. After Atticus Finch, of course. I simply cannot imagine a better role-model, and To Kill a Mockingbird just might be my favorite book ever. (Might. I do have many favorites, but it's always consistently in the running.) But the more we said it, the more we liked it. It turns out that Atticus has been in the top 1000 names since 2004, and is currently at about 550. So he won't be the only one. And most people have heard of it (from the book or movie), so I don't think it will get a "ummm, ok, whatever" response. We think it might be a touch nerdy, but we don't think it's a name an athlete could never have. We think he might get called "Atty" when he's little (probably not by us), but that's pretty neutral.
Damien carries a bit of the "devil child" stigma. But we love it anyway. I've never actually seen the movie--I just know he's the devil's kid and thus, presumably, is very naughty. But it's a pretty popular name (70s in the Social Security rankings), and I can think of several famous Damiens (including the awesome musician, Damien Rice), so it's not like we're actually naming him Lucifer or Satan. And it's such a pretty name. In fact, if it weren't for the evil connotations, I might think it was a touch girly.
Elliot is just a name we both like and think flows well. We tried, for a while, to come up with middle names to honor my step-father, but we eventually gave up. In no small part because he hates his own name (and I actually really love it) and always tells people it's something different, and goes by his initials anyway. So we figured, in the end, that it was ok. And also, my step-brother and sister-in-law are having a boy and won't be sharing his name, and it's likely he'll be named after my step-dad (and let's hope, because when they were pregnant last time, they said after the birth that had she been a girl, they would have given her my husband's name, which is also my SIL's dad's name, and I just really hate that, because although it's clearly after her dad, it's my husband who is in our family and would be sharing the name).
Anyway.
We talked about waiting until they're born to assign the names to each baby, but part of the joy of having names is using them. And Damien, my little kicker, my speed-grower, just seems to fit Bitsy, whereas Itsy, my little fighter, my measuring-behind, my almost-no-heartbeat but then BOOM--heartbeat, never looking back, and will be first-born if vaginal, well, that's clearly Atticus, fighting the good fight and leading the way.
I love my little frat boys so very much. And I want them to stay safe inside for a while yet, but I'm so very much looking forward to holding Damien and Atticus in my arms.
Itsy=Atticus Lawrence
Bitsy=Damien Elliot
Lawrence is my father-in-law's name. He goes by Larry. I'm not overly fond of the name, but my husband wants to use it (especially since neither of his nephews is any way named after his dad), so of course that trumps all. And it's not an awful name, I just don't like it with my husband's last name (which sounds like, but is not, 'Lame').
We're using my husband's last name instead of mine, because mine is long, ugly, and always misspelled. Seriously always misspelled. It ends in -son and more than half the time gets -sen. Including, which drives me fucking nuts, on half of my school records. I kept my name for career purposes, and also because we went to Jamaica for our honeymoon and I didn't want to worry over the logistics of a name-change and a passport, and then when we got back, well, driver's licence, social security, car, house, etc. Easier to just keep it, even though I've never really loved it.
I do love our boys' names, though. We wanted names that were not extremely common but also not weird, names that could be pronounced in French and English, names that sounded good together but not matchy, and names that we felt they could grow up.
Atticus was originally a middle name, in my mind. After Atticus Finch, of course. I simply cannot imagine a better role-model, and To Kill a Mockingbird just might be my favorite book ever. (Might. I do have many favorites, but it's always consistently in the running.) But the more we said it, the more we liked it. It turns out that Atticus has been in the top 1000 names since 2004, and is currently at about 550. So he won't be the only one. And most people have heard of it (from the book or movie), so I don't think it will get a "ummm, ok, whatever" response. We think it might be a touch nerdy, but we don't think it's a name an athlete could never have. We think he might get called "Atty" when he's little (probably not by us), but that's pretty neutral.
Damien carries a bit of the "devil child" stigma. But we love it anyway. I've never actually seen the movie--I just know he's the devil's kid and thus, presumably, is very naughty. But it's a pretty popular name (70s in the Social Security rankings), and I can think of several famous Damiens (including the awesome musician, Damien Rice), so it's not like we're actually naming him Lucifer or Satan. And it's such a pretty name. In fact, if it weren't for the evil connotations, I might think it was a touch girly.
Elliot is just a name we both like and think flows well. We tried, for a while, to come up with middle names to honor my step-father, but we eventually gave up. In no small part because he hates his own name (and I actually really love it) and always tells people it's something different, and goes by his initials anyway. So we figured, in the end, that it was ok. And also, my step-brother and sister-in-law are having a boy and won't be sharing his name, and it's likely he'll be named after my step-dad (and let's hope, because when they were pregnant last time, they said after the birth that had she been a girl, they would have given her my husband's name, which is also my SIL's dad's name, and I just really hate that, because although it's clearly after her dad, it's my husband who is in our family and would be sharing the name).
Anyway.
We talked about waiting until they're born to assign the names to each baby, but part of the joy of having names is using them. And Damien, my little kicker, my speed-grower, just seems to fit Bitsy, whereas Itsy, my little fighter, my measuring-behind, my almost-no-heartbeat but then BOOM--heartbeat, never looking back, and will be first-born if vaginal, well, that's clearly Atticus, fighting the good fight and leading the way.
I love my little frat boys so very much. And I want them to stay safe inside for a while yet, but I'm so very much looking forward to holding Damien and Atticus in my arms.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
19w0d: Half-way
Yes, I know a singleton pregnancy is 40 weeks (actually though, anywhere from 38-42 is "normal") and so 20 weeks is the acknowledged half-way mark, but not for me! My OB has already said she won't let me go past 38 weeks (and my doctorsister agrees with that call), so for me 19 is my max-half. 37 weeks is full-term (for any baby), so I'm already more than half-way to that. And my personal goal is to keep Itsy and Bitsy (who might have names--we've got one, just unsure on the 2nd, and I'll share once we've decided for sure!) inside until February, which is about 35.5+ weeks.
So halfway! Hang in there, baby boys, we're doing great!
My baby brother's birthday is today. Which means October Birthday Fest is officially upon us. My doctorsister (Oct 15th) was in town, and so we celebrated her and my brother together. Normally, I would be thrown in too (Oct 20), but it was deemed too soon. My grandparents, however, are celebrating with me on Tuesday. And everyone wants to know what I want.
Baby stuff.
Baby stuff is what we're asking for my birthday, Christmas, and my husband's birthday (Jan 23). And for the two showers I'm apparently having (more on that later).
So, equipped with two internal penises (penes, apparently, is the correct plural), I decided to man up.
My husband and I hit Babies R Us yesterday. (SPOILER: We didn't buy anything.) It wasn't as bad as I'd feared. I did stay clear of clothing and toys (the awwwww-inducing areas of the store). We focused on: carseats, strollers, cribs, boppys, bouncy seats/swings.
So up first, carseats. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, and yeah no. We took my husband's car, to determine which infant seats could fit in it. Answer? None! At least, not comfortably. The clerk kept arguing with us, saying "it fits just fine behind the passenger seat though". We did explain about the whole twin thing, and believe it or not, twins need separate car seats (despite sharing a uterus, which does seem rather unfair). So we're just going to go with the ever-popular, extremely safe Graco, and a new car for me. We might get an extra base, possibly two, for my husband's car, but we've decided we'll just switch cars with frequency, and whoever's not at work (or whatever) gets the babymobile, and whoever's leaving takes the Carefree Car.
Especially since we might have more kids.
I'm not making that decision now, obviously, since I don't know what raising twins will take out of me. My husband, when we found out it was twins, said "we're done". It broke my heart. I haven't nagged him, figuring he would come to a decision on his own, and I'd rather all our children be wanted, even if it meant only two (please let these boys both live!), than to get my wish at the expense of my husband. And we did have a serious conversation about it a few weeks ago.
Growing up, I wanted 6 kids. When I reached my mid-twenties and was unhitched (and developed my plan of using a sperm-donor at 30 if I wasn't in a serious relationship with a man at that point), I decided on 4 instead. I told my husband this very early on in our dating career. (He wanted kids but had no firm ideas on amount.) Infertility made me reconsider. By the time of our last transfer, I had mentally down-sized to 2. I mean, two years, six embryos transferred, an awful fert report, at my emotional end, no baby in sight--2 seemed down-right greedy, and more seemed shameful and, frankly, a journey I didn't think I could endure.
But as challenging as this pregnancy has been, everything now seems easy again. I mean, 2 babies in just shy of 3 years (counting from tossing the Pill towards hopeful delivery) really isn't that bad. And I'm convinced that the emotional mess of IVF and trying for another baby will be very different than trying for a baby at all. Finances won't change, and that may prove to be a limiting factor. But aside from that...I see know reason to have a cut-off at 2 anymore. (Again, might change my mind once they're here.)
And my husband, and I am sooooo lucky!, is now on the same page. The wait-and-see-but-possibly page.
I read an absolutely hilarious sentence that immediately made it clear that the Salt Lake Tribune had just full-out copied the article from the AP. It was about Mitt Romney. The sentence described his family as "huge" (or maybe "enormous"). The dude has 5 kids. 5 kids, in Utah, is not a big deal. 5 kids for Mormon families is pretty much expected. All of my Mormon friends growing up came from families with 6 or more kids. 8 kids is not unusual. 10 is where we start saying "big". 12 plus takes you into "huge". And yes, I know families like that, more than one. My family, until we acquired the step-siblings, was on the smaller side, at 4. Most of my non-Mormon friends, whose parents chose to live here for whatever reason, came from families of 3+ as well. I only had one friend who was an only child, and she moved her from England at 11. (And she's one of my baby-shower-throwers, and is very awesome.)
So I might be a bit biased when it comes to "perfect family size". But I loved growing up with my siblings, and playing with all the siblings of my friends. We never "didn't have enough kids" to play a good game of kick-the-can, hide-and-seek, basketball, Monopoly, Rook, whatever. It only took a handful of calls to organize Capture the Flag, full-fledged soccer games, huge camp-outs in someone's back yard. I want my kids to have the same experience.
Which, by the way, is why I was so surprised at the dearth of double strollers at Babies R Us. I know twins are still kind of rare, but seriously--BIG FAMILIES! And they didn't even have the much-recommended Double Snap and Go! They only had 2 side-by-side doubles, one of which was a very cheap, flimsy sort, which I believe is called an "umbrella" stroller. And they had maybe 3 back-to-front ones, which looking at solidified my decision to go side-by-side. (They also didn't have any other twin stuff--no twin boppies or Pack N Plays (ugh, we will bypass that entirely, thanks)--which wasn't a total shock, but was a disappointment anyway.)
So we'll be ordering a few key things from the internet, apparently. Although we plan on checking out Target and the like too, but aren't hopeful they'll have everything we want.
I've got to run, so I'll finish all this up later.
So halfway! Hang in there, baby boys, we're doing great!
My baby brother's birthday is today. Which means October Birthday Fest is officially upon us. My doctorsister (Oct 15th) was in town, and so we celebrated her and my brother together. Normally, I would be thrown in too (Oct 20), but it was deemed too soon. My grandparents, however, are celebrating with me on Tuesday. And everyone wants to know what I want.
Baby stuff.
Baby stuff is what we're asking for my birthday, Christmas, and my husband's birthday (Jan 23). And for the two showers I'm apparently having (more on that later).
So, equipped with two internal penises (penes, apparently, is the correct plural), I decided to man up.
My husband and I hit Babies R Us yesterday. (SPOILER: We didn't buy anything.) It wasn't as bad as I'd feared. I did stay clear of clothing and toys (the awwwww-inducing areas of the store). We focused on: carseats, strollers, cribs, boppys, bouncy seats/swings.
So up first, carseats. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, and yeah no. We took my husband's car, to determine which infant seats could fit in it. Answer? None! At least, not comfortably. The clerk kept arguing with us, saying "it fits just fine behind the passenger seat though". We did explain about the whole twin thing, and believe it or not, twins need separate car seats (despite sharing a uterus, which does seem rather unfair). So we're just going to go with the ever-popular, extremely safe Graco, and a new car for me. We might get an extra base, possibly two, for my husband's car, but we've decided we'll just switch cars with frequency, and whoever's not at work (or whatever) gets the babymobile, and whoever's leaving takes the Carefree Car.
Especially since we might have more kids.
I'm not making that decision now, obviously, since I don't know what raising twins will take out of me. My husband, when we found out it was twins, said "we're done". It broke my heart. I haven't nagged him, figuring he would come to a decision on his own, and I'd rather all our children be wanted, even if it meant only two (please let these boys both live!), than to get my wish at the expense of my husband. And we did have a serious conversation about it a few weeks ago.
Growing up, I wanted 6 kids. When I reached my mid-twenties and was unhitched (and developed my plan of using a sperm-donor at 30 if I wasn't in a serious relationship with a man at that point), I decided on 4 instead. I told my husband this very early on in our dating career. (He wanted kids but had no firm ideas on amount.) Infertility made me reconsider. By the time of our last transfer, I had mentally down-sized to 2. I mean, two years, six embryos transferred, an awful fert report, at my emotional end, no baby in sight--2 seemed down-right greedy, and more seemed shameful and, frankly, a journey I didn't think I could endure.
But as challenging as this pregnancy has been, everything now seems easy again. I mean, 2 babies in just shy of 3 years (counting from tossing the Pill towards hopeful delivery) really isn't that bad. And I'm convinced that the emotional mess of IVF and trying for another baby will be very different than trying for a baby at all. Finances won't change, and that may prove to be a limiting factor. But aside from that...I see know reason to have a cut-off at 2 anymore. (Again, might change my mind once they're here.)
And my husband, and I am sooooo lucky!, is now on the same page. The wait-and-see-but-possibly page.
I read an absolutely hilarious sentence that immediately made it clear that the Salt Lake Tribune had just full-out copied the article from the AP. It was about Mitt Romney. The sentence described his family as "huge" (or maybe "enormous"). The dude has 5 kids. 5 kids, in Utah, is not a big deal. 5 kids for Mormon families is pretty much expected. All of my Mormon friends growing up came from families with 6 or more kids. 8 kids is not unusual. 10 is where we start saying "big". 12 plus takes you into "huge". And yes, I know families like that, more than one. My family, until we acquired the step-siblings, was on the smaller side, at 4. Most of my non-Mormon friends, whose parents chose to live here for whatever reason, came from families of 3+ as well. I only had one friend who was an only child, and she moved her from England at 11. (And she's one of my baby-shower-throwers, and is very awesome.)
So I might be a bit biased when it comes to "perfect family size". But I loved growing up with my siblings, and playing with all the siblings of my friends. We never "didn't have enough kids" to play a good game of kick-the-can, hide-and-seek, basketball, Monopoly, Rook, whatever. It only took a handful of calls to organize Capture the Flag, full-fledged soccer games, huge camp-outs in someone's back yard. I want my kids to have the same experience.
Which, by the way, is why I was so surprised at the dearth of double strollers at Babies R Us. I know twins are still kind of rare, but seriously--BIG FAMILIES! And they didn't even have the much-recommended Double Snap and Go! They only had 2 side-by-side doubles, one of which was a very cheap, flimsy sort, which I believe is called an "umbrella" stroller. And they had maybe 3 back-to-front ones, which looking at solidified my decision to go side-by-side. (They also didn't have any other twin stuff--no twin boppies or Pack N Plays (ugh, we will bypass that entirely, thanks)--which wasn't a total shock, but was a disappointment anyway.)
So we'll be ordering a few key things from the internet, apparently. Although we plan on checking out Target and the like too, but aren't hopeful they'll have everything we want.
I've got to run, so I'll finish all this up later.
Monday, October 3, 2011
Maybe I'm allergic to testosterone?
Because, you know, my TWO BOYS could be producing that...
Two boys! My house will be overrun by trucks! I'm psyched.
And they seem to be doing very well. Itsy continues to measure behind (5 days, 10% smaller) but Bitsy is a day ahead and right about at 50% for all his measurements. Itsy's placenta is partially covering my cervix, but the doctor really seemed to think it would migrate off. The cervix itself is long and closed, so that's good news.
We couldn't get the proper measurements on either heart, but again the doctor wasn't concerned--he said it's early to get them on twins, but wanted to do the rest at 18 weeks while they still had room to move around.
And I am indeed feeling movement! I wasn't sure, but I could totally feel some (but not all) of the big kicks Bitsy (posterior placenta) made.
Next MFM scan in 3 weeks, then every two weeks for cervix checks.
Two boys! My house will be overrun by trucks! I'm psyched.
And they seem to be doing very well. Itsy continues to measure behind (5 days, 10% smaller) but Bitsy is a day ahead and right about at 50% for all his measurements. Itsy's placenta is partially covering my cervix, but the doctor really seemed to think it would migrate off. The cervix itself is long and closed, so that's good news.
We couldn't get the proper measurements on either heart, but again the doctor wasn't concerned--he said it's early to get them on twins, but wanted to do the rest at 18 weeks while they still had room to move around.
And I am indeed feeling movement! I wasn't sure, but I could totally feel some (but not all) of the big kicks Bitsy (posterior placenta) made.
Next MFM scan in 3 weeks, then every two weeks for cervix checks.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
My sister is pregnant
And I don't know how I feel. She told me yesterday. Well, rather, she "hinted" yesterday, asking me which pregnancy book I had and telling me she didn't like the ones she had and...[pause]. So I asked, "Are you?" and she said, "Am I what?" Which, come on. "Pregnant?" "Yes."
I'm not sobbing about it, which is a huge improvement over my SIL's pregnancy (which I "discovered" while doing my last IVF cycle, but the whole family already knew...) I expected it--they were trying for about 5 months, and she'd asked me for my RE's number "just in case". I've blogged about her before, and why...well, I'm not all that certain that she'll make a very good mom. Which sounds horrible, I know. But there it is. She lacks empathy and patience. She means well, but she can be incredibly cruel unintentionally. And she's never liked kids, never worked with them, never even baby sat. So.
I'm still kind of pissed off. It was so easy for them. Sex. Not even charting. Just sex. And the last we talked about it (which was well over a year ago), my sister only wanted a girl. Now, she didn't "sway" or anything, but I just know she'll be "disappointed" if it's a boy. In fact, she kind of alluded to this yesterday, saying she hadn't had any morning sickness yet and she'd heard that means boy and is that true? I did not take the bait.
But it was so IRRITATING, because she knows about my HG and I had told her earlier (before she told me about her pregnancy) that I'd puked out of my nose in the morning and have lost another 3 lbs. So it was like a one-two punch of "I don't have any sickness" and "God I hope this baby isn't a boy".
Her husband just got his PhD and still hasn't found a job yet--and isn't working at all, even in a "lesser area".
I dunno, I guess I'm just frustrated at the unfairness of it all, and really not looking forward to "bonding" with her over pregnancy and newborn issues. (She lives about 15-20 minutes away from me.)
She doesn't know how far along she is but thinks she's due at the end of May.
I'm not sobbing about it, which is a huge improvement over my SIL's pregnancy (which I "discovered" while doing my last IVF cycle, but the whole family already knew...) I expected it--they were trying for about 5 months, and she'd asked me for my RE's number "just in case". I've blogged about her before, and why...well, I'm not all that certain that she'll make a very good mom. Which sounds horrible, I know. But there it is. She lacks empathy and patience. She means well, but she can be incredibly cruel unintentionally. And she's never liked kids, never worked with them, never even baby sat. So.
I'm still kind of pissed off. It was so easy for them. Sex. Not even charting. Just sex. And the last we talked about it (which was well over a year ago), my sister only wanted a girl. Now, she didn't "sway" or anything, but I just know she'll be "disappointed" if it's a boy. In fact, she kind of alluded to this yesterday, saying she hadn't had any morning sickness yet and she'd heard that means boy and is that true? I did not take the bait.
But it was so IRRITATING, because she knows about my HG and I had told her earlier (before she told me about her pregnancy) that I'd puked out of my nose in the morning and have lost another 3 lbs. So it was like a one-two punch of "I don't have any sickness" and "God I hope this baby isn't a boy".
Her husband just got his PhD and still hasn't found a job yet--and isn't working at all, even in a "lesser area".
I dunno, I guess I'm just frustrated at the unfairness of it all, and really not looking forward to "bonding" with her over pregnancy and newborn issues. (She lives about 15-20 minutes away from me.)
She doesn't know how far along she is but thinks she's due at the end of May.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Friday, September 30, 2011
17w5d: Belly rub
I'm still kind of in shock. A complete stranger asked me how far along I was, and if she could touch my belly.
I think the weird part is that she knew I was pregnant. So...maybe I really am? Or something?
I mean, look, anyone who knows me (and by "know" I mean has spent more than an hour with me) knows I'm pregnant. It's the puking. There's no way to hide that, so yes--work, school, acquaintances, even some of my patients (if I've had to quickly leave their room, or if the nurse I was with just felt like sharing, which one of them did, to everyone)--they all know. But they know because I (or someone else) told them. Not because I just somehow radiate "pregnant".
But apparently, now I do. I'm not even in cute clothes, empire waist frilly stuff. Just a black t-shirt. My boobs, up until recently, outpaced my belly. But yes, I suppose I have become quite large. The weightloss doesn't really help, since it comes from the rest of my body, meaning I'm shrinking while only my belly (and boobs) grows. I'm still not skinny, but it wouldn't surprise me if I've dropped 2-3 sizes (which, who knows, since I'm not exactly wearing cute, fitted clothing right now).
So yes, pregnant. Weird.
I let the woman touch my belly, by the way. I love touching pregnant bellies. I've never asked a stranger, but friends and family, I have asked. I love to feel the babies move, especially. You can't feel my babies yet--not their movements or even their positions. But you can feel my uterus. I wonder about that woman. It was a one-sided exchange--I told her 18 weeks with twins, she touched me and moved on. She was maybe 50? I wonder if she has children, or if she never did. If things were easy or difficult for her. I wonder what she thinks of me (does she assume fertility drugs?).
It's the complete opposite of infertility, where I could scream about it all I wanted and no one (for the most part) wanted to hear. Pregnancy invited everyone in. My reproductive status has transformed from "personal" or "shameful" or "we just don't want to know, thanks", to everyone else's business.
Maybe I should get a sticker that says "IVF babies", so that the part society was reluctant to acknowledge gets some focus too (and so infertile women don't hate me on sight).
I think the weird part is that she knew I was pregnant. So...maybe I really am? Or something?
I mean, look, anyone who knows me (and by "know" I mean has spent more than an hour with me) knows I'm pregnant. It's the puking. There's no way to hide that, so yes--work, school, acquaintances, even some of my patients (if I've had to quickly leave their room, or if the nurse I was with just felt like sharing, which one of them did, to everyone)--they all know. But they know because I (or someone else) told them. Not because I just somehow radiate "pregnant".
But apparently, now I do. I'm not even in cute clothes, empire waist frilly stuff. Just a black t-shirt. My boobs, up until recently, outpaced my belly. But yes, I suppose I have become quite large. The weightloss doesn't really help, since it comes from the rest of my body, meaning I'm shrinking while only my belly (and boobs) grows. I'm still not skinny, but it wouldn't surprise me if I've dropped 2-3 sizes (which, who knows, since I'm not exactly wearing cute, fitted clothing right now).
So yes, pregnant. Weird.
I let the woman touch my belly, by the way. I love touching pregnant bellies. I've never asked a stranger, but friends and family, I have asked. I love to feel the babies move, especially. You can't feel my babies yet--not their movements or even their positions. But you can feel my uterus. I wonder about that woman. It was a one-sided exchange--I told her 18 weeks with twins, she touched me and moved on. She was maybe 50? I wonder if she has children, or if she never did. If things were easy or difficult for her. I wonder what she thinks of me (does she assume fertility drugs?).
It's the complete opposite of infertility, where I could scream about it all I wanted and no one (for the most part) wanted to hear. Pregnancy invited everyone in. My reproductive status has transformed from "personal" or "shameful" or "we just don't want to know, thanks", to everyone else's business.
Maybe I should get a sticker that says "IVF babies", so that the part society was reluctant to acknowledge gets some focus too (and so infertile women don't hate me on sight).
Monday, September 26, 2011
17w1d: Hang-Ups
I've recently become obsessed with the question of cars.
Specifically: Do I need a new one?
Background: I drive a wonderful Honda Civic. It's my first car, and I've always thought I would drive it right into the ground. I'm tall. My husband is taller. Rear-facing infant car seats are not small. Double strollers really don't fold up into nice, tiny contraptions. I want a dog. I might want another kid. My kids might have friends, who won't be able to ride in the front seat until they're, what, 10? I should probably have four-wheel drive, considering that last winter (and every Utah winter...) I called in sick to work at least once since I couldn't make it up our un-plowed residential road.
My step-dad drives a Subaru Forrester, my doctorsister a CR-V. So maybe I could copycat and go for more trunk room, at least? Or go balls-out and get a minivan?
This is a very practical concern, and one that requires a lot of thought. My husband (who drives a Ford Fusion, but won't be the primary kid-driver, and doesn't particularly want to switch with me, at all), is one board with whatever.
So hooray, it's all up to me! How much can we spend, would I get for my car, would it be worth it, etc.
But I kinda think I'm making this up so I don't have to deal with the true reality: I haven't bought a damn thing for these babies. At some point, I'll need to kick my ass into gear, and get the essentials: car seats, cribs (I wanted to co-sleep, but I don't think that's feasible with two babies in our queen bed, with a very restless-sleeping Daddy...), a breast pump or bottles or some sort of feed-babies device, and probably some onesies, at least a million since they'll probably puke all over them, taking after their mom and all.
It seems so much easier to say: well, we need to figure out the car thing first, rather than...well, I can't emotionally afford to buy stuff for babies who may not ever get to use it.
God damn infertility. God damn miscarriages. They ruin everything.
Specifically: Do I need a new one?
Background: I drive a wonderful Honda Civic. It's my first car, and I've always thought I would drive it right into the ground. I'm tall. My husband is taller. Rear-facing infant car seats are not small. Double strollers really don't fold up into nice, tiny contraptions. I want a dog. I might want another kid. My kids might have friends, who won't be able to ride in the front seat until they're, what, 10? I should probably have four-wheel drive, considering that last winter (and every Utah winter...) I called in sick to work at least once since I couldn't make it up our un-plowed residential road.
My step-dad drives a Subaru Forrester, my doctorsister a CR-V. So maybe I could copycat and go for more trunk room, at least? Or go balls-out and get a minivan?
This is a very practical concern, and one that requires a lot of thought. My husband (who drives a Ford Fusion, but won't be the primary kid-driver, and doesn't particularly want to switch with me, at all), is one board with whatever.
So hooray, it's all up to me! How much can we spend, would I get for my car, would it be worth it, etc.
But I kinda think I'm making this up so I don't have to deal with the true reality: I haven't bought a damn thing for these babies. At some point, I'll need to kick my ass into gear, and get the essentials: car seats, cribs (I wanted to co-sleep, but I don't think that's feasible with two babies in our queen bed, with a very restless-sleeping Daddy...), a breast pump or bottles or some sort of feed-babies device, and probably some onesies, at least a million since they'll probably puke all over them, taking after their mom and all.
It seems so much easier to say: well, we need to figure out the car thing first, rather than...well, I can't emotionally afford to buy stuff for babies who may not ever get to use it.
God damn infertility. God damn miscarriages. They ruin everything.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
16w4d: Spinach artichoke dip
Sometime last weekend, I started craving spinach artichoke dip. The craving simply did not go away. So on Tuesday night, I made a whole huge things of it. (I have a really good recipe from Cooking Light, to which I've added a ton of garlic.)
Holy.
Fucking.
Shit.
I've eaten it for three straight days now, and am very sad that it's gone. :( My husband had some the first night, but, after seeing that, well, I had an amount of success with it, he's wisely laid off.
I don't know if I wanted the iron (spinach), calcium (dairy), or, well, the fat. But it's like magic. I'm putting it on plain French bread. It has (alas) not cured my vomiting, but it's something that doesn't cause me to puke either. In fact, I usually don't puke until 2ish hours after eating it.
I'm so excited to have found a real food. I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow morning--I bet I've gained something, which will be super exciting to see. And I'll probably buy a bunch more cheese and do it again.
Do you guys know any other dips, since this was so successful? I'm thinking maybe I could look up a bean dip? Mabye if I puree them first, it would fool my body into accepting them?
Holy.
Fucking.
Shit.
I've eaten it for three straight days now, and am very sad that it's gone. :( My husband had some the first night, but, after seeing that, well, I had an amount of success with it, he's wisely laid off.
I don't know if I wanted the iron (spinach), calcium (dairy), or, well, the fat. But it's like magic. I'm putting it on plain French bread. It has (alas) not cured my vomiting, but it's something that doesn't cause me to puke either. In fact, I usually don't puke until 2ish hours after eating it.
I'm so excited to have found a real food. I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow morning--I bet I've gained something, which will be super exciting to see. And I'll probably buy a bunch more cheese and do it again.
Do you guys know any other dips, since this was so successful? I'm thinking maybe I could look up a bean dip? Mabye if I puree them first, it would fool my body into accepting them?
Sunday, September 18, 2011
16w0d: And now, for something completely different
Aside from the obvious positive (BABIES), pregnancy is doing one awesome thing for me: my hair is growing at an astonishing rate.
I usually have very long hair. I occasionally cut most of it off and give it to Locks of Love or some equivalent charity. Last summer, shortly after my older sister's wedding, I went from hip-length (which really was too long) to almost-chin-length. Which was way too short, and not what I wanted. It wasn't cute, because I didn't want to lose even more length to layers or "style". I just waited for it to grow out. Which it sort of did, reaching pony-tail length. And frankly, I just stopped caring, because between depression, IVF failures left and right, work and school, and an all-around dissatisfaction of my physical body, my hair was the last thing on my mind.
And now, all of the sudden, I'm trimming my bangs weekly (and shaving my armpits daily and my legs far less than I should), and my hair falls past my bra-strap on my back.
Rock on.
I wonder if I could somehow harness this magical hair-growing power and use it to draft an agreeable CBA so I could actually watch my beloved Jazz this season?
I usually have very long hair. I occasionally cut most of it off and give it to Locks of Love or some equivalent charity. Last summer, shortly after my older sister's wedding, I went from hip-length (which really was too long) to almost-chin-length. Which was way too short, and not what I wanted. It wasn't cute, because I didn't want to lose even more length to layers or "style". I just waited for it to grow out. Which it sort of did, reaching pony-tail length. And frankly, I just stopped caring, because between depression, IVF failures left and right, work and school, and an all-around dissatisfaction of my physical body, my hair was the last thing on my mind.
And now, all of the sudden, I'm trimming my bangs weekly (and shaving my armpits daily and my legs far less than I should), and my hair falls past my bra-strap on my back.
Rock on.
I wonder if I could somehow harness this magical hair-growing power and use it to draft an agreeable CBA so I could actually watch my beloved Jazz this season?
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