Saturday, March 26, 2011

No baby

No heartbeat. No baby. Not even a yolk sac. Just a gestational sac, measuring behind, though I don't know how behind.

No progesterone. No estrogen. No hope.

I wait, now, to lose my baby. The baby that isn't there, but should have been. The baby I loved, talked to, planned for.

I am lost.
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35 comments:

  1. tiffany.parcherMarch 26, 2011 at 3:29 PM

    Marissa,

    I am so, so sorry. You don't deserve such heartbreak.

    I know this misery -- I was there last October, in the ultrasound room, where the technician told me it was only an empty sac, at 6w4d. I know the hollow feeling when you go back home and wait for your miscarriage. The sadness still takes my breath away.

    I am so sorry. Please take care of yourself and know that you have done nothing wrong. And know that there are others who understand this misery. (((gentle hugs)))

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  2. WillowMarch 26, 2011 at 3:30 PM

    Oh no oh no oh no. I'm so so sorry :(

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  3. nurslouisaMarch 26, 2011 at 3:31 PM

    Oh no, I'm so very, very sorry. So unfair. Many hugs to you :(

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  4. KellyMarch 26, 2011 at 3:31 PM

    Oh my gosh....I am so so so so sorry. You just don't deserve this at all. I know there are no words to make you feel any better....I am just sorry this has happened. (((HUGS)))

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  5. AdeleMarch 26, 2011 at 3:41 PM

    Marissa, heart, I'm so very very sorry. It is a devastating thing to be told. For me, it was one of the very worst moments on this entire, terrible road.

    It began as a baby. The baby may not be there now. But you had life inside you. Period. Seeing an empty sac on ultrasound does not erase that (though it is one of the hardest of all things to see). Hugs to you.

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  6. ousoonerchickMarch 26, 2011 at 3:46 PM

    Oh honey I'm so sorry. Were here, keep fighting. Love you!

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  7. GurleeMarch 26, 2011 at 3:58 PM

    Oh no Marissa,
    I am so sorry. I know how awful it is. I know how much it hurts. I am sending you love and hugs. It is just so incredibly wrong and unfair.

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  8. AshleyMarch 26, 2011 at 4:09 PM

    I'm sending my hugs and prayers your way. My heart is breaking for you.

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  9. SarahMarch 26, 2011 at 4:45 PM

    Oh Marissa...I am soo so sorry to hear this :( I signed onto blogger this morning and I thought of you right away :( I know there are no words right now to take the hurt away, but just know we are all here for you and that we do care so much. Thinking of you and sending you hopeful and healing thoughts at a time when you can't think them yourself. Hugs...

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  10. RebekahMarch 26, 2011 at 4:52 PM

    Oh no, no. I am so sad to hear this. I wish I had words to somehow help you feel better. This is so unfair.
    Thinking of you as you take the time you need to heal.

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  11. LuluMarch 26, 2011 at 5:05 PM

    FUCK. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I really didn't want you to have to go through this. You don't deserve it. I don't know who does deserve it, but definitely not you. I am so sorry honey. I wish I could make it better.

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  12. RosachkaMarch 26, 2011 at 5:26 PM

    Marissa, so so sorry....((hugs))...

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  13. Baby HopesMarch 26, 2011 at 5:54 PM

    I'm so very sorry, Marissa. Anger, heartbreak... words are not enough to express this. I'm thinking of you... I know that no one can make this better for you, but I am one among many that wishes desperately I could. Sending thoughts, support, and love.

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  14. MelMarch 26, 2011 at 7:27 PM

    I'm so so sorry. No one deserves to feel devastation like that. It is the worst feeling in the world. I'm so sorry. ((hugs))

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  15. LolaMarch 26, 2011 at 7:29 PM

    Oh Marissa I'm so sorry :(

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  16. AnonymousMarch 26, 2011 at 7:59 PM

    That is so unfair. I wish you lots of strength. Hopefully better times will come again.

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  17. KristaMarch 26, 2011 at 8:19 PM

    I'm so terribly sorry to hear this, Marissa. I really wanted this for you....

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  18. RochelleMarch 26, 2011 at 8:39 PM

    Oh, my heart is just breaking for you. I am so very sorry and I wish this world wasn't so fucking unfair. I know how miserable it is. I wish there was more I could do, I hope you're surrounded by love and strength in these coming rough weeks and months.

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  19. AlexicographerMarch 26, 2011 at 9:30 PM

    I saw your comment on Mel's query about spending $300 and clicked over. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss.

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  20. HopeMarch 26, 2011 at 9:49 PM

    I am so, so, so sorry to read about your loss. I just found you through ICLW. (((Hugs))) There are just no words for how sad I am for you right now.

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  21. AnonymousMarch 27, 2011 at 5:51 AM

    I am so, so sorry :( I don't even know what to say--that is just not fair. Hugs.

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  22. SummastarletMarch 27, 2011 at 6:03 AM

    Stopping by for ICLW and so, so sorry to read your news.

    I know nothing I can say can take the pain away or make you feel any better right now, but just know that I am thinking of you. This is such a sad time. Just take the time to grieve, to cry and make sure you look after yourself. Surround yourself with people who care about you and who can look after you.

    I know how hideous this is. I was there myself in January and I am slowly picking up the pieces. Know you are not alone. xx

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  23. BridgetMarch 27, 2011 at 6:04 AM

    I'm so sorry Marissa. There is nothing I can say to make you feel better but I am thinking of you and praying for you and your husband.

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  24. AnonymousMarch 27, 2011 at 7:54 AM

    Oh, Marissa, I am so sorry!! There really are no words in this situation. You are not alone, and we are all sending you thoughts, prayers and good vibes. Be good to yourself, be gentle with yourself, and may your grief pass quickly. My deepest condolences for your loss!

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  25. TeamBabyCEOMarch 27, 2011 at 9:01 AM

    Marissa-I'm so sorry. Please know that I'm thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers.

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  26. Kristen {www.buckupbuttercup.net}March 27, 2011 at 4:39 PM

    Oh, wow, I am so, so sorry. Wishing you peace during this difficult time...

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  27. BirdMarch 27, 2011 at 6:40 PM

    heartbreaking. My heart aches for you. But please don't give up on your dream. It is a beautiful and honorable desire. Don't give up Marissa.

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  28. LuluMarch 27, 2011 at 6:54 PM

    Thinking of you tonight. I wish you lived nearby so we could talk.

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  29. Two People in LoveMarch 27, 2011 at 7:32 PM

    I am so sorry for your loss. I was diagnosed with a Blighted Ovum a little over two weeks ago and it was the most awful moment of my life. I am stopping by from the LFCA to offer my condolences. Please stop by or email me if you have any questions or just want to chat. (((hugs))) and prayers to you and your Jimdear.

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  30. ~stinkb0mb~March 27, 2011 at 7:55 PM

    i'm so sorry, hearing that news is so hard to hear.

    ~x~

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  31. A Shadow of My Former SelfMarch 27, 2011 at 7:59 PM

    I know how horrible and awful this is. I am so very sorry.

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  32. AnonymousMarch 28, 2011 at 1:17 AM

    I am so sorry for your loss. What totqally inadequate words those seem to be, if only there were words to bring that baby back and ease your broken heart. Sending you strength as you come to terms with this devastating loss.

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  33. DanaMarch 29, 2011 at 5:14 AM

    Marissa, I'm so sorry to hear this. My third loss was a blighted ovum, which was diagnosed in early-mid November. I then had another ultrasound to confirm it a week and a half later to confirm and I lost the baby/placenta/tissue on November 27, 2010. It was hell. The miscarriage hurt, but it was nothing compared to the inner turmoil. It is such a cruel joke that your body acts pregnant and develops everything but the baby itself. I'm here if you hever want to talk about it.

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  34. A m a n d aMarch 30, 2011 at 8:15 AM

    I'm so so sorry. This breaks my heart. I know there are no words, but I hope you are able to take comfort in the love and support of your family.

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  35. KathleenApril 3, 2011 at 6:29 PM

    oh god marissa. i just got back from a week vacation and am catching up. my heart is breaking for you. god this is so hard. hugs.

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